Can this really be because DP is on the spectrum?

[Cornyflake]

DP is known to be on the spectrum. Communication has been difficult over time, but we slowly established a normal for us and it worked. But something has happened recently that’s thrown me.

Around 2 months ago, work said to him they couldn’t renew his contract. This was sort of expected in the industry, and DP has had other things in the pipeline because of this. it’s always been a source of some stress as he loves his work and takes it very seriously. Anyway, since it’s been confirmed that it won’t be a re newed contract on the same terms (though another will be offered with terms tbc), DP has gone into what I can only describe as overdrive.

I get that anyone would be keen to secure another job ASAP and that it would be stressful. I totally get that. But what’s happening is the following (and bear in mind that two places, and the place he is currently at, have all indicated a role will be offered on a contractual basis and all three have said they want him to interview - he’s very very good in his field, from a outsider’s view like mine, it’s obvious a job will work out):

• he’s working all weekends and evenings after work to search for jobs and prepare for interviews. He says he can’t stop during this time, not even for us to share dinner.
• when we have seen each other, usually at the end of a three day stint of him ‘preparing’, (he takes annual leave once a week to have more time to prepare) he will often disappear back into his office room to check something, send an email or just ‘to think’
• this has now gone on for weeks and last night I suggested we had dinner tonight, that I’d cook and then he could carry on sat/sun working. He said he couldn’t do that and he had to focus until a job was sorted.

This has massively upset/annoyed me, though I’ve not expressed it to him. I work in a hugely pressured job and yet I manage to organise my time to see him and always have done. I have sympathy with the job situation, it’s unsettling. I wouldn’t like it either. But I wouldn’t hide away for 3 days straight and literally do nothing more than that without a break or night off with my partner. It’s not that we are not seeing each other, we are, but it’s very short periods, his mind is clearly elsewhere.

I wish a contract would just get sorted as it’s affecting me now too, it’s been nearly two months of complete obsession into this situation which seems completely disproportionate to me. He knows various places want him as well, so he knows he will have a job. His answer to that is ‘yes I will probably have a job but until I have it sorted I can’t stop preparing.’ That means we are basically waiting on interviews to be organised, attended, to hear back. Could be a while yet.

I did wonder at one point if he was seeing someone else, even friends and he wasn’t that arsed about me. But I’ve heard him on the phone saying he can’t meet family, cancelling friends etc.

I guess my question is could this be attributed to the spectrum? Given he’s on it. I cannot imagine anyone having the reaction he’s had to this...stress , yes, panic even, yes, needing time to work and prepare, yes...but hiding away for days and having to sit and think (I’ve even seen him go into that thought process staring into space), all seems so irrational to me. For the first time im wondering if I can deal with this every so often when his work will inevitably evolve in this way.

Yep. Spectrum ALL the way. It’s uncertainty that’s driving him crackers. He can’t put it to one side because “what if”.

I have ASD. As pp says its the uncertainty. I need a plan for every eventuality. Never use these plans as I work very hard on making sure nothing goes wrong but I need them for my peace of mind.
I have a very secure job. One of the most secure you can get. I had no concerns about losing it. But when my dream role in the same job came up it was all I thought about. From October of one year to May of the next. All I did was study and prepare. It was almost all i thought about. I got the job, deep down I thought I would but I didn't know so I had to prepare to ensure I would.
Its the not knowing. Other people being sure isn't enough. He doesn't know he will be OK and until he does it will consume him.

How long have you been together? It doesn't sound like you live together?

It seems quite obvious it's because he's on the spectrum but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that's not making you happy.

I’m autistic and I can totally relate to this. I cannot cope with any level of uncertainty. For example, I’m waiting to hear about whether I’ve been approved for a mortgage - it’s all consuming, the anxiety, it’s all I can think about. It’s completely out of my control, I know that, but I waste so much time researching mortgages, trawling the Internet forums for other peoples experiences to try and work out what the answer will be. I can’t get it out of my head or focus on anything else. I don’t know how not to be this way.

It does sound like it’s to do with him being in the spectrum. Have you been together long? Because I’d say he’ll probably get like this about other stuff too. So it might need to be something you can handle as is, something you can discuss so he can hopefully be aware of how it’s impacting you, or something that might be a deal breaker long term. There’s no right or wrong, how a relationship works (or doesn’t) is up to the two involved.

Totally typical. Hell, I'm not on the spectrum and I suspect I would respond very similarly.

It's not my best trait or a thing I particularly like about myself but I dont do well with uncertainty and the thought of not knowing that my next pay cheque was secure would not be positive for me. I couldn't stand the thought that I hadnt done everything I could to "fix" the situation.

Can you look at this as him being responsible?

If, as people have said, this is all about his uncertainty… then maybe he needs to realise that his behaviour is bringing uncertainty into the future of the relationship?
If he won’t stop and eat with you or talk to you then maybe you need to put your thoughts and frustrations into a note/letter and give it to him. Then he can read it and process it in his own time.
I would find this impossible OP and you are to be respected for your patience.
I think that he needs a gentle reminder that relationships flourish where there is communication and shutting himself away is counter productive.

The other way things can go is absolute certainty that things will go as expected, and no ability to be flexible or wait and see about which option will work best.

DH has twice gone for the first job he was offered, with no consideration of the impact on the rest of the family.

This can happen over holidays, outings, shopping for a sofa... it has a plus side- there will be spreadsheets of information available to inform your choice, for example. But the choice may well be made regardless of your preferences because the spreadsheet says so.

Over time, I've got my priorities built in to the spreadsheets too, but heaven help me if something takes my fancy that doesn't meet the criteria.

Also, bear in mind the communication issue you are having here. This isn't just about this situation, it's about how you manage a difference of priority. At the moment he can't hear what you need and adapt himself to a compromise.

That will happen again and again about things big and small.