What does respect mean to you in a relationship? *title edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

[Everydayisawindingroad]

Apologies for the slightly random play on the song lyrics for the thread title. But as it says, what does respect mean in a relationship to you?

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a loving respectful relationship in my life. Parents were toxic/abusive ,early relationships were toxic and now my marriage is abusive.

Anyone?

Talking to me in a considerate tone of voice. Taking my point of view into account even if it strongly differs from their own. Listening to my concerns. Not being dismissive of either my hopes or fears.

Being treated as a valuable equal - and it’s wonderful. As someone with some dodgy relationships in the past, and having parents whose relationship had lost respect for each other, it is a wonder to me that respect in a relationship is a basic right. But respect does have to be earned/deserved in my view. (Eg my mum thought children should respect their dad just because he’s their father even though he was clearly a complete twat and they were old enough to see that).

If your marriage is abusive get out and get some therapy so you understand what respect means (both giving and receiving). It’s well worth the investment.

@Trisolaris

Talking to me in a considerate tone of voice. Taking my point of view into account even if it strongly differs from their own. Listening to my concerns. Not being dismissive of either my hopes or fears.

@Trisolaris yes tone is so important isn’t it. My DH has said some horrific things to me over the years but what I probably struggle with more is the less offensive often inoffensive things said in a really unpleasant manner.

@Purplewithred it’s disheartening to even need to start the thread. My DH was incredibly unsupportive of me having therapy in the past, made it so unpleasant for me logistically that it undid a lot of the good of going . It’s something I will definitely need to revisit once we part ways,

Being kind and gentle with each other, physically and verbally. We don’t shout. We don’t really argue. We check in with each other about how we’re feeling, and we let the other person experience their feelings e.g. if I’m having a sad hormonal day, my DP just recognises that and does what he can to make me feel safe and comfortable and knows it will pass, he knows fundamentally that it isn’t something he has caused or that he needs to fix. We don’t take our negative feelings out on each other. We are tactile without all touch needing to lead into something sexual. We laugh a lot, at external things and at each other. We are supportive of each other’s hobbies and ambitions. Our relationship feels like home, and wherever I am with him I feel safe and comfortable.

@Everydayisawindingroad
When people dismiss you like that, like you are worthless it can just erode your self esteem. A key thing that dp and I try to hold onto is just the very simple idea that words matter and they hurt so that even if you apologise to someone it’s much better to never say something you can’t take back. We try and always take a break if it feels like either of us is getting too irate about something because we want to wait until we can express ourselves better.

Teamwork is respect. Loyality. Support. Honesty. No lies. No games. Not checking out other women on Facebook. Sharing the bulk of housework and childcare. Doing nice things for eachother. Such as bringing a hot drink without asking. Not belittling or putting you down. Reassuring you of good points within yourself.

I've had four relationships over 16 years. Only one that lasted 8 years was good. The others last 8 months- 3 years and were all cheaters. Liars. Disrespectful and full of themselves.

Someone who considers my needs, my wants and my hates when talking to me, loving me and supporting me. Someone who I can trust to be generous in spirit and protect my vunerabilities. Someone who sees me and chooses to listen.

Supportive and caring.

Takes your thoughts, needs and feelings into account.

Communicates in an honest way rather than play guessing games.

Shows vulnerability.

Speaks and treats you as an equal rather than someone less than and thinks you should be grateful to have them.

Someone who respects your boundaries and doesn't try to pressure you into doing anything you feel uncomfortable with.

A place where you can be your true self.

If there is a disagreement, then you work together to find a solution rather than work against you in order to win.

Someone who brings out the best in you.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts/experiences. It’s very sobering to see the way things should be done in black and white. I know I should be able to determine myself what a healthy respectful relationship should look like but it’s not intuitive.Everything pp’s have said makes sense but without this thread it just seemed like this illusory concept.

No name calling. Always listening and caring about my perspective. Never railroading. Always working to find something we are both happy with. Always being honest. Never trying to control or be manipulative.

That is basic respect.

There are all kinds of wonderful things on top that you can also have.... like someone always trying to help you, caring about what you want and need, gentle, loving, funny, kind.... but the first paragraph should be the minimum.

It's out there, OP. I hope you can experience it.

@BraveGoldie thanks. I really hope I can experience it one day too. I thought it was there at the start of the relationship but looking back he was even in the very early days being disrespectful of my boundaries