Dp depressed again..

[Threetree123]

Name change. Just need a moment so am writing here.
We’ve had some tough times in the last few years and it seems as a family we are heading into others. I’m finding it harder and harder to keep going and to cope, quite frankly. I can feel myself sliding into depression and obviously need to get a grip. Dp offloads onto me evry day, every time we meet by the kettle. He hates his job, he’s going to resign, we will have to move..
How do I keep my mojo up? It’s getting harder and harder to jolly myself up and keep my own motivation going. The future looks so bleak and hard work.I’m finding that I can’t get the head space to deal with it all. And am losing confidence. I spend far too much time being exhausted and anxious.
I know I need to take time for myself so went on a lovely walk yesterday, but it’s not enough. Dp has just sighed and said he’d had another awful day, could I get wine.
I’ve sent him out, suggesting a change of scene might be good, but honestly its cos I can’t stand another moan. And my anxiety levels are creeping up .
Now I’m moaning, its catching!
Thanks, just needed to off load, and I’m probably hoping for a ‘there there, you can do it,’ 🤪 who’d be a grown up?

If he's really going to resign is he looking for another job.

You are not the emotional support magic porridge pot, you have to keep some energy reserves for yourself.
Could you tell him that? That you're finding it all a bit of a battle right now too but you'd be happy to support him seek external help? Has he been to the GP or have a therapist he could contact?

Sometimes people brain dump onto those around them and have no idea of how their words are affecting those they're speaking to.

Good luck to you I know how draining it can be even though you want to be loving and supportive.

@crosshatching

You are not the emotional support magic porridge pot, you have to keep some energy reserves for yourself. Could you tell him that? That you're finding it all a bit of a battle right now too but you'd be happy to support him seek external help? Has he been to the GP or have a therapist he could contact?

Sometimes people brain dump onto those around them and have no idea of how their words are affecting those they're speaking to.

Good luck to you I know how draining it can be even though you want to be loving and supportive.

Agree with this.

There is nothing to be gained by staying silent and becoming depressed by his endless complaints.

Tell him actually I don't feel great and need some time to decompress after MY day.

Have you children?

He needs to take responsibility for himself.

If you have children you need to mind yourself.

Stop protecting him, it will bite you on the ass.

Thanks all, really appreciate your comments as I feel a bit..well not sure actually. Yes, we have teens, who have challenges and also dump on me ( I suppose that’s good tho) also elderly relatives who would like me to entertain them. I have one who nags me for not getting in touch, but on the other hand she is in a horrible situation, so I would like to help.
He says he’ll get counselling but is always ready with an excuse. Why? I’d love to talk about me for a whole hour! 😀 instead I grumble at you guys!
Yes he chatted to someone about work today and was told there are a zillion 30 year olds that will work twice as hard for less. Ironically he didn’t believe me when this happened to me recently. So a bit of me thinks, ‘ ha!’ .
You are right tho, I need to protect me, so I can help them. Thanks for pointing that out, it’s easy to forget. I think I need to be a lot more ..focussed.. is that the right word? On how I spend my precious time. I feel like I’ve been listening to him moan for centuries. I’m sure he’s put up with a lot from me tho.

Sounds like he’s in a rut where moaning is his default. My DH was like that during a depressive episode. It was every day at dinner (he wasn’t WFH then), he’d get home from work and nonstop complaining, moaning. I told him in nicest way that I can’t support him if he’s monopolising every conversation we have to moan. I said, you get two minutes each night to get your moan out and then you stop, don’t spoil your free time reminding yourself howvhorrible your job is. Two minutes to moan and then, we are on to talking fun stuff.

It worked. He has a much better job now....so also encourage him to think about what he’d like to do for next job and get him actively looking and applying for jobs that he finds attractive. Life is too short to put up with a toxic job.

OP,
By allowing him to whine endlessly 🙄, unfortunately you have given him the Ok to do it.

Stop that.
Have a list of replies ready.
I AM tired.
Headache.
Can't listen to this.
MY day wasn't great either.
You know what, I'm not feeling in great form either.

Stop him and say after 2 minutes, one of the above....EVERY time.

We ALL whine but allowing anyone to whine ar you endlessly is not good for them and definitely not you.

Not good for teens either.

Of course they should talk about worries but allowing anyone to talk AT you endlessly and whine is giving them a bad habit.

Some people are just whiners.

Start looking after yourself before you explode and he has a real problem on his hands.

You need to stop being the bucket that everyone pours their woes into. It isn't fair on you. Your DP is an adult - he needs to get a therapist and be active about changing jobs. If it's really bad, he needs to see the GP and be on medication for a while.

Your teens - fair enough, you're their mother, but you're allowed to say no to them as well from time to time. As for the other adults who need you - pace yourself, set boundaries, make sure you aren't just enabling their helplessness and allowing them to offload it all on you. It's time to look after number one.

You are enabling his behaviour by listening to it. I couldn't be with someone like this it's so selfish. How can he not see it's just not fair on you You have to do what's best for you now. You've tried to help him and it hasn't worked so focus on yourself. The only way he will sort himself out is if he realises he will loose the people closest to him if he carries on. Have some time away for yourself it will do everybody the world of good.

Thanks guys. It’s so amazing to have your kind posts.
Have just told him he needs to stop making excuses and see a counsellor, that I can’t help ( apart from listen) and that he’s been doing the same thinking for years and not moving on.
Somehow I now feel like I’m to blame and not pulling my weight and it’s all a catastrophe and there’s no way out and we’ll have to move. I now have to motivate myself to get on with MY work. And this is filling my head again. FFS.
You are right, I need to unhook and get MY thinking sorted.
Have re read your posts about 5 times already, it’s very calming! 😊

Omg op I could have written your post. I have had to go back into the office to escape it. It was really getting me down.

I am doing a mix of WFH and office and it has been good for me. I feel I have a bit more capacity to deal with him. But still gets to me.

& sympathy is all I have to offer. Good luck. Keep strong xx

Thanks mikethenight2good. So appreciated! Sympathies to you too, am so glad you can escape. Maybe I’ll get a spoon and a poster like that film ( shawshank redemption?) For what it’s worth, he’s been ok this afternoon. Maybe he’s taken on board what I said....how do people stay married?

Skyla2005 I didn’t realise it was selfish, but it is. Thanks all of you for helping me see I don’t have to put up with this. Or I will be the one in trouble.

Update - to say thanks.
I told him I couldn’t do this any more, it was dragging me down. I don’t think realised. We now chat more about kids/ house etc than his awful job/ mates/ whatever and the change is amazing. I now am beginning to feel more positive and that I can cope.
Thanks 💐

Try working through this guide together - it has sections for his depression and your anxiety.

Sarahlou63 that’s really kind of you, thank you! I’ll start reading it now. Certainly could do with a break from anxiety!

I feel for both of you. I’ve been feeling quite terrible as am burnt out and am currently off work as quite frankly I can’t go on in this state inflicting myself on others!
I’ve had a very stressful role for the last 3 1/2 years and despite wanting to keep going have had to stop before I completely lose my marbles.
So I feel sorry for DP and for you.
I wonder how much of this is due to the pandemic as well? I think it’s affected us all more than we realise

Sorry Lurcherloves I only just saw this. Big hugs for putting up with stress, and even more for realising and taking action. Hats off to you!
Sarahlou63 thanks for the guide it’s very useful if anyone else is interested? Of course Dh tells me he doesn’t need it cos he will go to counselling, he’s just got to do x..oh and now y...🤨

Don't slip back.

He needs to be told to sort himself out.

He needs to stop boring the arse off you.

You have children that need one well parent.

Thanks Billy1966.
He IS boring the arse off me. I hadn’t realised!!! I sat next to him in the sun and it was like a mosquito moaning on and on. Your comments are super helpful, thanks all. I keep re reading them.

@whyMrsRobinson

Thanks Billy1966. He IS boring the arse off me. I hadn’t realised!!! I sat next to him in the sun and it was like a mosquito moaning on and on. Your comments are super helpful, thanks all. I keep re reading them.

You will get there.

He's a whine.
Hes dragging you down.
He's the type of person that whines for hours at a friend, gets up feeling better having unloaded, and their friend feels like shit.

He's a boring drain.

Now you know this, you need to protect YOU.

Make a plan.
See what your options are.
Tune the fxck out of whatever he is twittering on about, and keep your eye on your goal....
Which is YOU minding YOU.

You sound like a great woman....

But lose the bore!!😁