Seeing NC family at funeral

[thebemusedone]

Hi,

So I’m NC with my mum and very LC with my gran, her mother.

My grandad on my dad’s side passed away this week and I’ve found out through my dad that my aunty has spoken to my mum and both her and my gran have decided they’re going to the funeral, which obviously, I will be.
My parents have been separated since I was 3, now nearly 30 and my mum and gran have always gone out of their way to pepper my childhood and beyond with talk of how awful my dad is, including my mum saying if my dad didn’t pay any money towards my wedding and was going, then she wouldn’t be, so I do find it a bit strange, but that’s another thing.

I was wondering how others would approach the day. I’m all for keeping NC and avoiding them as it’s not the time or place for anything but respect for my grandad, but at the same time, they’re the type to seek me out and make a dramatic scene. My partner is coming with me for a bit of support.
Is there anything I can do/say to approach the situation should they come up to me? I really do not want to see or speak to them. Thank you

I honestly wouldn’t go. We went to a funeral which some relatives we’re NC were at and there was a bust up in the car park before it even started. While you hope people will behave like grown ups with a bit of decorum at a funeral it’s not a guarantee, emotions run high and you already know they’ll be looking for drama.

Your parents have been broken up for nearly 30 years and your mum and grandmother are going to your dad's father's funeral? What? That's just crazy. I think they are going only to cause drama. That is their only goal.

I would not be going.

I would not go because your mum and nan will in all likelihood make a scene.

If your dad knows that you don’t t get on, why has he allowed them to go ?

Think I'd just go and pay my respects before or after the service.

Or get in just as its starting and hang out near the back so you can make a quick exit at the end.

I've had a similar situation to this, i'm NC with my mother and went to her dad's funeral. She was trying to talk to us and wanted a hug so i just did a half arsed one and ignored her further attempts to speak to me, went to the wake for about half an hour then left when she started slagging our dad off to us, we probably should have avoided that part.

We asked the funeral directors to manage it in a similar situation. If your dad lets them know that you mum and grandma could make a scene they should deal with it. Alternatively don't go, loads of places are doing streaming due to COVID.

Aquamarine - Yes, this is unfortunately part of why I’m NC. Everything has to be about them. I recently told my gran about my PND after having my son, the awful time I’d had because she couldn’t grasp how I’d be so horrible to not want to speak to her so much, aside from everything else I feel and have experienced. She ignored all of that and continued on about how I’m treating her so badly.

DinosaurDiana - He found out off my Aunt as he doesn’t speak to them either.

Thank you for your replies so far, giving me something to think about at least.

I am sorry for your loss.

I suspect given that they haven’t been in contact with the deceased for over 30 years that they are only attending this funeral to door step and harass you as you have recently gone NC.

If you know that they will make a scene and you are feeling vulnerable (still have PND?) then I would seriously consider not going at all but honouring your DGD in another way.

Protect your own emotional self.

Don’t risk them behaving in a undignified manner at your DGD funeral.

Don’t give them what they want.