I’ve ruined it

[Collectingdust082]

I have been seeing someone for a couple of months, it became intense quickly because we had a strong connection and knew what we both wanted so we didn’t hold back. Everything was great, we saw each other a lot and spoke all day then one day.. silence. I’m a huge overthinker and assumed he had ghosted me, he was just busy. It triggered my fear of rejection and the stress overwhelmed me, realising I’d given too much too soon and I’d essentially become obsessed with his company.
Since then I have been on edge that he will disappear, I get paranoid he is speaking to other women and that he is lying about how he feels. I know these issues are a reflection of me, not him. I have snapped at him several times and been quite awful in general, he has been patient and tries his best with me, but the communication has dropped recently. It feels like he avoids me these days because he isn’t sure if I’ll be myself or be grumpy. When we’re together it’s fine and we have a great time, but it feels like there is an elephant in the room because of how I’ve acted lately.
For background I had an abusive childhood then relationship. I have attachment issues and fear rejection as in every relationship I have they leave me. I know the pattern makes me push men away anticipating they will do the same thing, and he has been the one to make me wake up and realise how unhealthy and abnormal it is. I am lucky he is understanding and hasn’t run (yet).
However, I now feel I’ve ruined it and make it awkward. I have apologised several times and although he says it’s ok, I feel terrible and guilty because he doesn’t deserve my insecurities coming between us.
We only speak once every 4 days now, which doesn’t sound too bad but compared to our usual hours daily it’s hard. I’m usually initiating the contact and sending the last text too. It feels like I’m a burden and he wants me to go away, but if I ask he says it’s not true. I said I’d give him space but he asked me not to. I’m so confused by what I should do next. I don’t want to lose him and I’m trying hard to work on my issues, but I don’t know if we can go back to how we were now. I know they say if you care about someone to let them go, but I can’t unless he tells me enough is enough. I’m scared that I’m abusive without realising it and if I’ve emotionally hurt him. Any advice please?

Have you had counselling to try and work through the underlying issues you have?

You don't sound ready to be in a relationship and I'm afraid yes some of the behaviour you describe is abusive.

Since then I have been on edge that he will disappear, I get paranoid he is speaking to other women and that he is lying about how he feels. I know these issues are a reflection of me, not him. I have snapped at him several times and been quite awful in general, he has been patient and tries his best with me, but the communication has dropped recently. It feels like he avoids me these days because he isn’t sure if I’ll be myself or be grumpy.

You aren't ready for a healthy relationship until you work on yourself.

This is so unfair on him and will be damaging his mental health.

You say you think he worries day to day whether you'll be 'yourself' or 'grumpy'. The reality is, 1. the you who has been exhibiting controlling / jealous / abusive behaviour at times is you, it's a part of you just like the good bits. A part you need to address. 2. It's minimising to label the behaviour you describe as 'grumpy' as it is much more than that.

It sounds like he's trying to put some boundaries in place and have some thinking time to reassess if he wants to continue seeing you. I think you should respect that.

Thank you for your reply, I feel absolutely awful and ashamed of myself. I do have counselling but they haven’t touched on the subject of how my treatment towards people comes from how I was treated in my childhood. There is no excuse I know, I just wish I wasn’t clingy and controlling. It’s out of fear not nastiness, it’s still not acceptable I know. I am trying to improve myself now I am aware. I just don’t want to lose him.

2 months?? You should still be in the honeymoon period.

What was the reason for the sudden silence? And how was contact resumed?

Do you feel he is stringing you along until someone he is more interested in comes along?

I think counselling would be good for you to build resilience.

It does sound as if you would be wise to take control, end things and work on yourself before looking for a new relationship.

Use your counselling to focus on how you manage relationships. You just don’t seem ready for a relationship right now.

@Collectingdust082

Thank you for your reply, I feel absolutely awful and ashamed of myself. I do have counselling but they haven’t touched on the subject of how my treatment towards people comes from how I was treated in my childhood. There is no excuse I know, I just wish I wasn’t clingy and controlling. It’s out of fear not nastiness, it’s still not acceptable I know. I am trying to improve myself now I am aware. I just don’t want to lose him.

You've been with him for a couple of months.

The reason you've gotten so intense and close so quickly is likely to be because you are predisposed to codependent and anxious relationships, so when you met someone and felt there was a strong connection you doubled down on making it serious quickly.

This means that you haven't done the necessary work of someone with strong and healthy boundaries - getting to know someone at a sensible pace that isn't dragging up unhealthy behaviours, bringing out the worst in you or in this case opening the gates to you exhibiting abusive behaviour.

It's a couple of months. I know right now youll t none of us understand, it's different with you two etc but the truth is it's staggeringly unlikely he is going to be your long term partner. You barely know one another, you're in no headspace for a relationship, he's pulling away and you're determined not to 'lose him'.

You need to really focus on relationships with your counsellor or stop dating anyone until you've had a chance to focus on them if there are other even more pertinent issues that affect your stability like work / finances.

Take a step back and look at it externally - 90 days or so ago you weren't with this man. He doesn't deserve to be treated this way by a new partner (or any partner) and to continue the relationship is unfair on him and unhelpful to you.

Him pulling away isn't an issue for you to fix within the relationship. It's a decision he is making to protect himself, that you should accept and take as a learning - that you aren't in the right headspace for a relationship right now.

Do you know about 'love bombing' ? Is it possible he love bombed you and is now backing off deliberately and appearing cold because he already thinks you are hooked - and this is the test to see if you are?

You mention coming from an abusive background so it is possible you are too quick to jump to the idea that you are somehow 'too needy' or have some something wrong and thats why he has backed off. Rather than considering that he swept you up in a whirlwind early on in order to get you hooked and now he is cooking things down noticeably in order to screw with you.

Of course, you could also be dealing with codependency issues as a result of past abuse.

But make sure that you know how to spot abusive personalities and the tactics they use in dating. Be ause you may be a beacon to them even more so than most because of your history.

*done something
*cooling things down

You've got to calm down, stop mentioning it, and put it out of your mind. No more apologizing. You made a mistake, so just learn from it.

Thank you all I really appreciate your words, it really does make sense what you’re all saying. I definitely think it’s related to ‘needing someone’ and I know 3 months isn’t long but after years of being alone it felt like just what I needed to experience happiness again. I know my priorities and thoughts are all wrong, but it’s hard to snap out of my mindset when it was drummed into me persistently all my life. I do think there may have been some love bombing yes, but I don’t believe he had bad intentions he just wasn’t aware of how attached I get and it probably scared him. We are fine in general I just feel like he feels awkward and doesn’t know what to say or do anymore. If I bring it up it feels like I’m putting lots of serious pressure onto him, when I’d rather keep things positive and fun like they have been to this point. Obviously if I do ‘lose him’ I can’t stop that, I just want to have a normal relationship that doesn’t push him away, but I have never witnessed one nor learnt how to have one in all honesty.

Healthy people dont love bomb though op. So the issue might not be all yours.

Either way don't beat yourself up too much.
We all fuck shit up from time to time. It's just life.

Maybe it would help to have some counciling before dating again. Help you unpick how your childhood issues may still be influencing unhealthy attachments ect..

Thanks umbrella you’ve really helped me