How do you cope when you find out about a parent's past affair

[WannabeNun]

I recently found out that my Dad had a long running affair when I was a child. My mother knew and never told a soul. But during the long conversation I had with my mother the other day I found out lots of things about his behaviour that I hadn't noticed or have forgotten about, things like him not coming home for days on end, not being there for key moments in my childhood, rushing off on his birthday to see her and not having time for the presents and cake we had for him. And yet I always remember him through childish eyes as such a devoted father when clearly he wasn't. I feel like it's shaken my entire childhood and that it wasn't what it seemed to me. Facts where presented to me fairly calmly so I have no reason to doubt that I was told. How do I not remember these things happening?

I know it's their life, their marriage and not my business. But I feel discombobulated, and betrayed if I'm honest. And unbelievably sad and angry for my mother. I don't plan to say anything to my dad at this stage, my mother doesn't want me to. It's hard though, she's sworn me to secrecy so I can't tell DH and therefore I'm just stewing on it. My head is scrambled. How do you move past this?

It's hard, but I guess you've experienced what most people do - the realisation that their parents aren't just mum and dad, but individual human beings with all the associated marvellous qualities and disappointing shortcomings.

The fact that he was unfaithful to your mother does not take away his other qualities of being a good father. Disregarding the specific things you mention, there would have been countless hours he would have spent being a good father and a good husband I expect?

This realisation is hard for you, and it will be painful for your mother to know that you will be experiencing these emotions. It was obviously important to her for you to know the truth, so take comfort in the fact that she feels confident that you will be able to process this new information.

Sorry OP, what a horrible shock. What led your mum to tell you about this now? It's interesting she has chosen to tell you at this point, years down the line and in particular to swear you to secrecy. By doing that she has ensured you can only ever have her side of the story, and that she has complete control of the narrative. The fact is you will never really know what really went on in your parents' relationship - you can't and you shouldn't.

Btw it's crazy that you feel you can't even tell your DH - your mum is not within her rights to demand this of you and you should be telling her so.

The thing is there's never a good time to find out about an affair. I realise that your Mum must've been (and clearly still is) desperately hurt, but why has she told you about this now? Also why are you sworn to secrecy?
It's only natural that you feel the way you do right now, but don't allow yourself to be drawn into a dysfunctional dynamic in someone else's relationship. Take care of yourself and remind that child inside you that they did absolutely nothing wrong. All best.

Sorry to hear this OP. It's bound to make you feel weird. You should definitely ignore her swearing you to secrecy. She must've felt the need to share with you and she doesn't just get to dump it on you with no outlet.

So sorry, OP. This is a very tricky one and must have blindsided you completely.

My husband had an affair, and because we were going to try to reconcile, and also at the time it came to light, one of our older children was in the middle of very important exams, I decided it was in their best interests not to be told.
I did not do it to protect him, I could have put it on billboards in ten foot high letters at the time, I was so hurt and angry. Rightly or wrongly, I did it to protect them.
I thought that there was no point in ruining my older child’s future, damaging the relationship of all our children with their father, and damaging the family as a whole, if we were going to stay together. Except for the very obvious, he has been a very good father for nearly twenty years. He was not a good father during the affair, whatever anybody says about such things. I have read on MN before that you can have an affair and be a good parent. Not during the affair you’re not, as far as I’m concerned, you’re putting your needs first, not theirs as they deserve. He risked their well-being, future and mental health for his own selfish kicks at the time. Not exactly in the Parenting 101 manual. He has been a good father before and since.

It initially took acting of a Meryl Streep standard from me, because mentally I was on the floor at the time, but it was worth it. We are happy and it all worked out.
However, once I decided to do this I knew that however I might feel, I could never, ever divulge this to them as it would in all probability feel like a double betrayal. If their father ever does anything like that again I am divorcing him and in those circumstances I would tell them the truth and hope that they would forgive my silence and see that did everything I could at the time to keep our family together. Tell my children in any other circumstances? Never. Totally unfair.

I understand your mum’s secrecy initially, but not her decision to finally tell you. Having decided to be silent, unless unavoidable circumstances dictate, I think she should stay silent. What was her motivation?

How she can’t see that this would be a twenty megaton bomb exploding in your head is beyond me. I’m so sorry for all the hurt and confusion you are no doubt feeling with no outlet at all. You really do need to talk to someone about this, you can’t keep the mental fallout to yourself. Please take good care of yourself XX

Very similar happened to me a few years ago. Mum revealed dad’s affair from over 30 years before. Myself and siblings had had NO IDEA. Especially as my dad has a reputation in family and community for being of great integrity, dutiful etc.

They are still married (in 70s and 80s now), and I would say happily overall.

On of my siblings had a difficult convo with my dad about it. Just due to circumstances at the time I have never spoken to him about it. But he knows we know, and I expect that is hard for him, esp given the image we knows we had had of him all this time.

And it took a few months but I don’t think of it much anymore. My parents are content to carry on as they are and I don’t see any value in upsetting that. It has made me more sympathetic to things about my mum that I struggled with more before, and that’s probably a good thing. I’m absolutely amazed that she kept it quiet for all that time. We always thought my dad was the dutiful one but turns out it was her! And it explains the vigour of some of the rows they had when I was little.

I also see it as something of it’s time. If my husband did the same nowadays he would be out of his ear. But we grew up in more liberal times and had plenty of fun before we married. I think my parents were quite sheltered and innocent when they married, so perhaps less surprising that there were things to be got out of the system. I suppose I do trust my dad a little less now. What else don’t I know? But there’s not much I can do about that - what I’ll never know I’ll never know - so might as well just crack on.

It’s really hard. I also found it massively discombobulating at first. But it does kind of help that these things were long long ago. I hope you are able to move past it in time too. Best wishes.

Not my parents but to give you an alternative view , my children needed therapy after their dad left the family . They are not in a good place but are getting there . The psychologists and therapists involved in their care would not accept the children as clients/ patients unless they knew the truth as they felt that the children's therapy and treatment would be based on a lie and ultimately more damaging . My ex would not tell them so I did. I lied and told them that I have forgiven him and told the truth by saying I have moved on and want him to be happy ultimately and explained that him having an affair was nothing to do with them and all to do with him and his wants and needs.
It. Took a while for it to sink in , they were feeling very guilty as they blamed me for the separation as we moved out of the family home to another property . They believed , as we were originally told to sun , that we had fallen out of love blah blah.
It was an awful thing to have to say and it cut so deep but ultimately I hope they would prefer that to finding out in adulthood as they invariably would .

Well I had a go at my dad and really Bollocked him

Couldn’t stand him anyway and they were getting divorced anyway so I had nothing to lose

But I was completely heartbroken and have never forgiven him

I wonder why your Mum suddenly chose to tell you this?

To be frank, I think it was wrong of her to do this; and even more wrong to swear you to secrecy, particularly from your DH, who is your partner in life and the person you turn to for support and comfort when upset. What purpose has it served to tell you? It has made you unhappy and you will be uncomfortable around your Dad. She was wrong to do this.

My OH has died now, but there are things that my DDs do not know about him and never will know. Retaining their happy memories is part of what helps to make them secure adults, and I would gain nothing by telling them, and they would lose a lot. They only see the good things, and I too see those, but balanced with other problems of which they are not aware.

TBH I think it would be in order for you to talk to your OH about this, if you have a close and secure relationship with him. I do not think your mother can tie you to keeping it secret from your own source of support - frankly that is simply not a kind thing to do.

My secrets will go to the grave with me and I will simply enjoy seeing the happy secure adults that my DDs have become. I did have some counselling after he died and it helped me to get it all off my chest - you really do need someone to offload to. The idea that you are now an adult and this knowledge will not harm you is a fallacy. You are looking at the sweeping away of your own history.

I'm sorry to hear that, however it doesn't change that he was a good dad to you. My ex may have been a shit husband (because of his narcissistic parent) and he could make better parenting decisions, but he loves the kids I wouldn't want my kids to think any less of him as a parent.

Also just to add i totally agree with other posters that you have every right to tell your DH. My DH was the first person I told and he was a great support. In addition, I’ve told the tale to a few friends who don’t know my dad, just to get different perspectives and get it off my chest. But I haven’t told any of my friends I grew up with that know him, as I don’t particularly want to tarnish their view of him, if that makes sense….

My dad had multiple affairs when I was younger. My parents subsequently divorced & my survival strategy was that it didn’t affect me so I didn’t think about it. Unfortunately my mum still struggles with it over 30 years later & goes through phases of slating him to us. I just let it go over my head I think.

When I say it didn’t affect me, obviously the divorce did but his affairs didn’t so much.

I found out as an adult that my mum had an affair prior to divorcing my dad. I didn't really give it much thought, it's none of my business. I've never told my mum I know this, I'm not sure it would do any good

Haven't read the replies properly yet but thank you. Just quickly wanted to say that I more or less forced it out of her. They have never really been happy under the surface and during all the lockdowns it's all bubbled up again so I was asking about that. She made a throwaway comment about him not being so great and as soon as she said that I knew what she meant and made her tell me.

The only reason she doesn't want me telling DH is because she doesn't want a huge family fall out at the moment, DH is a fab bloke but an actor he isn't. I have a feeling it's all going to come out soon anyway, she's had enough.

Anyway, back to read the replies properly.

Hi @WannabeNun

Am so sorry, it's so very de-stabilising to learn something like this. My parents have been divorced since I was fairly young but my Dad confessed to 3 affairs to me when I was early 30s. He'd never been an amazing Dad but it still rocked me. I don't know if my mum knows but it had never been mentioned (despite other reasons for their divorce being made abundantly clear). Still I would never tell her because no good could come of it.

However, I hate having it as a secret and imagine this must have been horrible for your mum to carry around all these years. With that being the case though she should absolutely not be expecting you to carry the burden of it either, if you need to tell someone especially your dh you should.

When my dad told me it really knocked me for 6 and I think you need to get over the shock and then have space to process it. It doesn't necessarily mean your childhood memories are wrong or that he loved you any the less than you thought. Once the world stops spinning then maybe you can come to terms with him being a very different husband, though maybe not a very different father, than you thought.

My mum has been quite open with me that they've both been unfaithful, (I think her more in short-term flings, him in a few LT side relationships), but it was sort of an open marriage for a bit, although she said that nearly ended badly!

So I didn't find it that hard to deal with, but obviously very different if it is with consent of both sides as opposed to without it, and only one partner is hurt. Sorry you're dealing with this OP.

Reading with interest what people have been through!

My parents were happily married for 60yrs (both passed away now) and I have recently found out that my Dad is not my Dad and my Mum was having a relationship with my biological father for at least 20 years!!

Mind blowing and so many questions that I will never get answered now. As someone wise said earlier- it’s the ultimate proof that your parents are more than just “mum and dad”.

Love to all. Xx

OP,
The fact that you recall your father's many absences so long ago confirms that he really must have left your mum to carry the load.

What a bollix.

How has she kept silent and at what cost to her soul.

I feel very sorry for her.
The humiliation and helplessness she must have felt.

The one really good thing is that perhaps you will judge her behaviour more kindly.

She must have been desperately unhappy and lonely.

Now that it has come out to you, maybe deep down she actually wants it out there.

This is different to a confidence from a friend IMO.
I think you can tell your husband.