Fiancee left when baby is 8 weeks old

[Steph865]

Hi, first time posting on here.
My partner and I met and each had a son from previous relationships. We had a fun start to the relationship and ended up all living together after a year. We had discussed marriage and having another child together and after living together a few months, we became pregnant.
We had our baby girl 8 weeks ago and have been happy throughout. Or at least I thought we were.
We were affectionate, loving, continued sleeping together up until the day I gave birth and were talking about our life together. After my baby was born, at 3 weeks old my partner proposed. I felt on cloud 9, that after an abusive relationship in the past and many other trauma in my life, I had finally found my happy ending. We went to speak to the vicar and booked the wedding day and started excitedly planning.
We slept together for the first time since having the baby last Friday after a conversation about him not being happy. He said he wanted us to do more stuff together and has openly said he doesn't like the fact that the baby is "constantly breastfeeding". After that conversation he said he would be happy with us planning more stuff to do. On Sunday I said I felt a bit rocked by the conversation that he wasn't happy as he had been talking as if we were breaking up. He then told me he isn't in love with me and hasn't been since I was pregnant and has left.
I don't know what to do. At first I thought maybe it's a bit of a breakdown, maybe it's too much too soon and the baby and proposal and everything was too much at once even though there was no pressure on me to propose although I would have liked it one day.
He has now turned rather callous and is just demanding to collect his stuff (he has already collected all his and his son's clothes so stuff left is now tvs and golf clubs). He hasn't apologised or given any explanation. I have asked if there is someone else, he says no. I have asked for more information so I can understand, he has just said he fell out of love and relationships break down all the time and talking about it at the time wouldn't have helped.
I realise the relationship is over, I'm under no illusion. But I am heartbroken. I have been through break ups before and have dealt with an abusive ex who is my son's father so I have gotten over things similar. This just feels so much worse as I was blissfully happy, no idea he didn't love me and was in a lovely baby bubble and truly in love. That's the difference, in the past there has been arguing and problems leading to the break up but this time, nothing.
I have children so will never hurt myself but I feel so hopeless and unsure about the future and just broken. I don't know how to deal with this and stay strong. I'm sick of being strong and overcoming stuff. I just wanted to be happy and I really thought we were. What the hell do I do?! I feel like I don't want to be here but I know I wouldn't act on it but I can't shake the feeling of pure despair.

@Steph865

I'm so so sorry to hear this
Please speak to tour health visitor and get some support immediately they get bad press but mine was excellent

Perhaps the reality has hit home and he's thought it isn't what he wants or is in a state of shock

I'd leave it at least 2 weeks before contacting him and let him cool off

If he doesn't get in touch you have your answer and if he does and it was a bit of a blip you can work on it

Sending big virtual hugs 🤗

I wonder how old his son was when his previous relationship ended? This could be a pattern of what he does.
You had a 'fun' start, this could be the crux, he sounds very much like he doesn't want the 'fun' to end. This is a man who should never be a parent, but unfortunately, he finds it fun to talk about it, although the reality is much different.
I think you maybe got caught up in the fun of it too, which is understandable after a past full of misery, that is perhaps why you were so willing to ride this wave at his fast pace. Moving in after a year is pretty quick, and another child just a few months later, didn't give you time to assess his motivations.
I'll bet he's only happy when he's the centre of attention, and could not cope with you giving it to anyone else - hence the breastfeeding comment- he's a man child.
Actions still have consequences though, so apply for CMS pronto. Do you own or rent the property?

How soon after being intimate did he drop the bomb on you? Did you know what led to the separation from his childs mother? There are some men who claim they cant see their partners as "sexual beings" after theyve had babies. Maybe hes one of those

Well isn’t he a prince amoung men!
Did you already register the baby’s birth? If not, make sure she has your surname.
Contact CMS immediately if you haven’t already,
Arrange a time and date (with supervision) for him to come and collect the —shite— stuff that he’s left at your house.
After that, have a good cry, pull your big girl knickers up, chin up and enjoy your children.
Do you have good support in real life? Family?
(I’m sorry he’s a shit)

You poor thing. Most men only leave like this if they have another woman and it sounds like the proposal was out of guilt above all else. I’d strongly suspect he has someone else, however much he protests otherwise. If it genuinely isn’t that then when did he leave his son’s Mum? Maybe this is just something he does.

Were you both actively ttc op, or was the pregnancy just something that happened?

This has broken my heart for you ❤️
I’m so sorry this has happened but he definitely sounds like a man child and wanted all the attention on him.

Never remember how strong you are and you’ve been through pain before you will 100% be okay again. Just need to ride the shit wave 😢

Do you have a good support system?

It's terrible OP, men like him are so cowardly. Planning a child and future then just abandoning the lot because he didn't really want it.

More interested in his 'stuff' than his newborn. His golf clubs and TV are more important aren't they.

It will hurt now but he's not a nice man is he?

You poor thing. You just have to remember that you haven’t really lost anything because he is such a shit that losing him isn’t a loss. Big hug from me, you will get through this and you will be happy again in the future, this isn’t the end, it wasn’t your last chance at happiness and we have no idea what the future may hold or what special good surprises are around the corner for you. Make sure you enjoy your lovely new baby girl and cast this man from your mind.

Thank you for all your comments, made me well up that people are so lovely. I do have a great support system so I am lucky and my kids are the best. He asked me earlier to have her for an hour for father's day which is a joke in itself. Also reiterated that he hasn't loved me since I was pregnant and relationships break down all the time. From what he said, his son's mum left him and was going out all the time prior to this then had a new relationship weeks later. I wonder if he will take her role in this break up. I keep feeling like okay get through today and think what I need to do practically and then I think Christmas, birthdays, next week, next month and I just feel devastated.
I know he's the worst time of man to do this especially when he lied so convincingly and acted as though he was smitten but I'm just so shocked because last week he was the man I wanted my life with.
Ironic everyone has commented on him being centre of attention, that is very true. To feel jealous of your newborn baby is pretty sick to be honest. I just feel a massive idiot and unlovable which is probably stupid but I'm the common denominator in people leaving. Aaaah bloody hell. Really don't want this to be my reality. I know if I was reading this I would think get a grip and be with your kids and I will and I'm not taking away from that, I adore them. I'm just floored and felt so secure and loved that this has just made me question everything. Thanks again for the replies. Appreciate it

He also is on the birth certificate, she has his surname and he is self employed so child maintenance will go out the window. He's not suggested any but desperate for his things. I will ask to double barrel her surname at a later stage and then at school I will just use my surname.

Both trying although when I showed him the positive test he said " well I'm not surprised" zero excitement. Should have known then

From what he said

This is important - you only had his word as to why his previous relationship broke down, I'd be v interested to know his ex's side! Also did he have contact with his child? Pay maintenance?

Why did you rush into this? It all moved very fast didn't it?

Well, for now, focus on ensuring you're ok financially and get the support you need from reliable sources. Don't go chasing him re contact etc (I learned that lesson the hard way) and make a claim with cms anyway, you never know and they date from initial claim not when you split so it's important to get on record.

I'm so sorry this has happened he's a shit! But I think you need to accept he cannot be relied upon.

It sucks but you are where you are.

Don't let him mess you or your child around on contact. If he plays fair all well and good, if he doesn't - legal advice!

He sounds very selfish op.

I am so sorry OP, he has treated you horribly.

It isn’t you who is unloveable, it is him and his behaviour. If you can, find your anger at HIM rather than feeling worthless yourself.

You are not worthless or unloveable, and you are the best mum for your children. Focus on yourself and them, as you say, one day at a time. Use your support networks, get your friends to come over, keep busy.

Yes, I would tell him that as you will not now be marrying the baby needs to have both your surnames so you will find out about the Deed Poll forms. I would do this swiftly, before he finds out you have contacted CMS.

What an utter bastard!

Keep strong OP.

You can change your baby's name within the first year on the birth certificate. I double barrelled DSs name but you could change it completely if you wish

I don't think you can without his consent though can you?
I agree in hindsight it was fast but it didn't feel like it at the time and I truly felt like he was the one I'd be with forever or else I would have never had a baby with him.

He is very selfish, he has asked to take the baby for a walk on Sunday to his dad's house as it's fathers day. I said yes so as to not be seen as a cow but I said as of Monday I need a week of no contact so I can start to process things.

Will be addressing maintenance the week after. I'd say I'm shocked he hasn't brought it up but I'm really not.

He had been separated from his wide 2 years when we met and got divorced while we were together. So his son would have been 7 when they split but he did say they split once and got back together but it was as if it was all about her going out rather than him.

@Steph865

I don't think you can without his consent though can you? I agree in hindsight it was fast but it didn't feel like it at the time and I truly felt like he was the one I'd be with forever or else I would have never had a baby with him.

He is very selfish, he has asked to take the baby for a walk on Sunday to his dad's house as it's fathers day. I said yes so as to not be seen as a cow but I said as of Monday I need a week of no contact so I can start to process things.

Will be addressing maintenance the week after. I'd say I'm shocked he hasn't brought it up but I'm really not.

He had been separated from his wide 2 years when we met and got divorced while we were together. So his son would have been 7 when they split but he did say they split once and got back together but it was as if it was all about her going out rather than him.

No you cannot change the name on the birth certificate unilaterally, assuming he is named on the certificate.

I know it is too late for you, but another reminder for unmarried women to always give the child the same name as your own.

• I think you could be forgiven for being a “cow” (your words not mine!) and not agreeing to Father’s Day this weekend.

Well lesson well and truly learned re the name, again, believed we would all have the surname eventually. How wrong I was. Hopefully he goes for the double barrel name I think it's reasonable.

If you are feeding is it possible for your baby to be away from you?

Will he bring him back immediately if he cries for a feed?

but it was as if it was all about her going out rather than him.

Again you only have his word for what happened

Don't really see what's wrong with her "going out" unless he means she was regularly cheating on him.

The fact you're not shocked that he hasn't raised the issue of maintenance suggests he doesn't pay maintenance to his ex - in which case it seems an odd decision to have had a child with him. Does he see his son?

I think asking for some space to process things is a good idea.

What a cunt. You're well rid

Ah sorry I should have explained. He doesn't pay maintenance as they share 50/50 custody of their son. He is a good dad to his son I can't really fault him on that to be fair. I wouldn't have a child with someone who I thought was an unfit parent.

I only say I won't be surprised he hasn't raised it as he hasn't so far or asked us where we are going to live. We were due to move to a new house today (rented) and so had given notice on our current house. Thankfully I called my landlady and explained and she has agreed to let me and the children stay so that's great but he doesn't know that. He has gone back to his mums so is sorted.

He really is a c* @Bumzoo you are absolutely right!

Ok that makes sense on maintenance side, seems it's relationships with adults he's poor at! Hopefully he'll step up on contact at least. More than my ex did!