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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I make new friends ?

22 replies

Dailydingo · 17/06/2021 07:59

I need to start building my own social circle away from H and his circle of friends. This is in readiness to leave H.
Where do I start ? People say hobbies but all I can think of are exercise classes. Im not really into anything else.
Anyone got any ideas ???

OP posts:
mdh2020 · 17/06/2021 08:01

I would suggest volunteering - charity shop, food bank or whatever. Join a choir or a book group. My sister built a large circle of friends by attending exercise classes and staying for coffee afterwards.

LoopTheLoops · 17/06/2021 10:34

I’ve heard people suggest “meet up” but I’ve never used it, do you have children?

Original poster
Dailydingo · 17/06/2021 10:53

@LoopTheLoops - I've joined this in my local area BUT I'm worried that as I start to make new friends through meetup then my best mate will ask how I suddenly know all these new people and I don't want to say I joined meetup as I think it would look incredibly sad. I need to be able to meet people naturally.
I previously joined an exercise class and there was a meet up every 3 months for members in the pub/dinner etc but I couldn't afford the cost of the classes as they were quite £££
My best mate has several wider friends and she includes me on stuff with them. I need to make friends with these people without the need to go through my mate all the time. But I think it would be weird for me to suddenly start messaging these people independently, and not on the group chat ? also, my best mate would see this as her being passed over/left out.
All my life I have relied on my partner at the time (and throughout all my adult life) to have the circle of friends for us. This has always prevented me from being on my own and been an issue. I now need to branch out, stand on my 2 feet and get my own social circle in readiness to leave H. Yes i have children - 11 & 14. the eldest is SEN and has no local friends as he goes to a school which is miles away and the children are scattered. The youngest has a good circle of friends.

I'm hoping to get involved with the PTA when my youngest starts secondary school this year. That's a starting point I guess.

I have lots of male friends, but I know they want something other than friendship and I don't feel that way towards them and never will.

I'm really outgoing, I love to go out and socialise. I talk to anyone. I'm not self centred and def not shy. I go out of my way to speak to people/help others. I don't think I have the time for volunteering as I work every day. Just someone I can have a laugh with/go for a drink/coffee/pop over and chill etc.

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 17/06/2021 10:57

Meetup isn't incredibly sad, OP!

LindaEllen · 17/06/2021 11:00

Have a look at your local college and see what classes there are in the evening. I've done cake decorating, sign language, French and Spanish and you'll meet people there AND learn new skills!

LindaEllen · 17/06/2021 11:01

It's not 'incredibly sad' to use an app to meet people. If you were able to meet people naturally, you wouldn't have had to post a thread on a forum to ask strangers 'how do I make new friends?'

reader12 · 17/06/2021 11:02

Your friend sounds bossy and controlling. Just join meet up! Or what about a choir? Singing is wonderfully therapeutic and they’re often very sociable.

Moonshine11 · 17/06/2021 11:05

There's an app called bumble which is for meeting friends

Original poster
Dailydingo · 17/06/2021 11:11

I don't think its sad at all to join meetup, but I worry my friend will think it's odd I have joined. I've joined meet up already but not been to any of the meet ups as yet.

I feel so lonely. I have joined an online language course but the people on that are scattered all over the south east, so no scope to meet up.

Its so hard, as people at my age (45) are already in their defined friendship groups.

I will have a look at bumble, thanks

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 17/06/2021 11:14

but I worry my friend will think it's odd I have joined

It's none of her business what you do. It's your life, not hers.

LoopTheLoops · 17/06/2021 11:15

Tbf I get what you mean it always seems a bit awkward and difficult making friends through apps which is why I haven’t tried it myself, but I find it so difficult making friends irl as an adult, my sister is the opposite and makes friends wherever she goes but that doesn’t come naturally to a lot of people and you have to put yourself out there

Original poster
Dailydingo · 17/06/2021 11:32

@LoopTheLoops - my friend is like this. She is extremely outgoing and I cannot get a word in edgeways in many social situations with her. In reverse to what I said upthread about befriending her friends, she befriended one of my friend's, they met through me and in the end felt comfortable enough to meet up without me/if I wasn't there. Which I was totally fine with. That all exploded though as they fell out a few years ago.

Long term, I want to split with H, have my own house and friends. Invite friends round for a BBQ/dinner/chill and meet a new fella eventually. I would be so embarrassed to say to a new fella that I only have 3 close friends, although I would go out with the wider group. It would soon be obvious they were not my friends and in fact were my friends friends.

I feel so sad

OP posts:
GloriousMystery · 17/06/2021 11:46

You seem terribly concerned with what other people think, OP you don't want to use Meetup because you think your friend would consider it weird, you don't want to have to explain to a hypothetical new boyfriend that you only have three close friends. What do you think? It also sounds as if you have an entrenched habit of allowing other people to provide you with friends your husband and your best friend. Do you actually want new friends, or is it just that you think you need to, in preparation for leaving your marriage?

The one other thing that strikes me is that this all sounds a bit as though anyone will do to fill these friend-shaped vacancies in the new life you envision for yourself, rather than you forming a bond with new people you meet because of specific qualities that attract you to them? And are you really saying that you plan to drop all your male friends as soon as you end your marriage, because you don't trust them not to make a pass at you as soon as you're single?

Shoxfordian · 17/06/2021 11:49

You’re so worried about what everyone else thinks of you, even about what a potential future boyfriend thinks of you

Start making decisions for yourself and making yourself happy

Misunderstud · 17/06/2021 11:51

Im the same when it comes to meeting new friends. Ive got friends at work but we never see eachother outside of work. Im a single mum to 3 children and have no o e to babysit at all so my social life is pretty dim. Cant have any hobbies or go to any classes through lack of child care. How do other single, parentless mums manage?!

Original poster
Dailydingo · 17/06/2021 11:53

@GloriousMystery - I have a lifelong history of other people providing me with a social life. I don't want that. I want to meet people I can connect with and have things in common with. I'm not looking for people just to fill a void for me. There have to be connections and common ground, as a starting point.

Yes, I plan to still be friends with the blokes in my life, post separation. There is no reason why I shouldn't be.

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 17/06/2021 11:56

@Shoxfordian

You’re so worried about what everyone else thinks of you, even about what a potential future boyfriend thinks of you

Start making decisions for yourself and making yourself happy

You are also open to abusive men/relationships if you are a people pleaser AKA doormat, and value other people's opinions of you, rather than your own.
CarnationCat · 17/06/2021 11:57

Don't worry what other people think. Do what you want to do and what will make you happy.

The gym is definitely a good place to meet people.

Do you ever drop your children off/pick them up from friends' houses? Go and ring the doorbell and chat with their mum? PTA is also a good idea.

I think just live your life and do things you enjoy. You'll meet friends along the way. Don't get hung up on having friends.

LoopTheLoops · 17/06/2021 11:58

Make friends with other single mums Misunderstud Sadly not something I’ve managed!

Sakurami · 17/06/2021 11:59

Don't worry about what other people think and you do you. If you want new friends then do whatever you need to do to meet them and don't worry what people think. If you want to chat to friends you met through your best mate, you don't need her permission. I am really outgoing and sociable and have introduced a lot of friends to other friends and I'm more than happy if they contact them and meet independently of me - actually doesn't even cross my mind. I don't own them just because I may have met them first!!

And when I've split up with my exes I've still remained friends with people I met through them.

YarnOver · 17/06/2021 12:16

@Dailydingo

I don't think its sad at all to join meetup, but I worry my friend will think it's odd I have joined. I've joined meet up already but not been to any of the meet ups as yet.

I feel so lonely. I have joined an online language course but the people on that are scattered all over the south east, so no scope to meet up.

Its so hard, as people at my age (45) are already in their defined friendship groups.

I will have a look at bumble, thanks

Why do you have to tell your friend how you met anyone else? That's not a conversation I ever have with people ... It's not relevant
EmsRose · 10/09/2021 22:16

Meet up. Hello I've just seen this old thread. How do you arrange a Meet up please?. I live in Huddersfield.. Many thanks. Xx

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