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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How have I got here?

17 replies

EllieStartingOver · 16/06/2021 20:03

Last year, after my divorce I found myself in a relationship with a younger man. He’s 24, I’m 35.

We had been friends first, he was kind and attentive and what started as a bit of fun got serious quite quickly, or it did for me at least. Since Christmas, the relationship has become increasingly toxic. He is aggressive, gets angry at the slightest thing, he has thrown things at my walls and pulled the hand break up while I was driving last week. I suspect he was also sleeping with other women for the first few months we were together.

I ended the relationship, but we have been in this cycle before where it ends and then we get back together. I know he’s not right for me, I know this relationship is not safe and that I have done the right thing in leaving but I feel awful, it physically hurts today.

Time will heal I’m sure but I need to really look at myself and do some work around why I let myself be treated this way.

I miss him, the sex was amazing as it always is in a toxic relationship and there were so many times when it was so good. We would have one good week then one awful week and the cycle would start again. I know he’ll already be talking to other women, and I’m here thinking I’ll never get into another relationship again. I don’t even really want him, I just want him to want me I suppose. I know how awful that sounds.

I’m scared that if he contacts me I’ll be sucked back in. I have blocked him, but he has previously used other numbers to text me. I see how pathetic is written down I am an intelligent woman, I KNOW how fucked up this is but I need help staying away.

I can’t afford therapy, I’m going to do the freedom program, I’ve downloaded women who love too much…are there any podcasts or anything I could try? Please help me.

OP posts:
lonelySam · 16/06/2021 20:08

Oh shit that sounds tough and I was coming to suggest therapy. Sorry, don't have any advice, just want to offer solidarity.

gonnabeok · 16/06/2021 20:10

Research books on love languages and relationship attachment types you may discover why you are drawn to this person

Cam2020 · 16/06/2021 20:13

I’m scared that if he contacts me I’ll be sucked back in. I have blocked him, but he has previously used other numbers to text me. I see how pathetic is written down I am an intelligent woman, I KNOW how fucked up this is but I need help staying away.

The problem is with toxic relationships, is you often get sucked into the drama and hooked on the cycle. I never answer a phone call from an unknown number - if it's something important, they'll leave a message. It's not that hard - what is hard, is resisting the temptation to answer that call if part of you wants it to be him.

When are you going to start this programme? I'd suggest starting immediately before you have time to talk yourself out of it.

How have your friends and family been? If they're supportive of you, I'd definitely suggest telling them everything and having a support group you can message if you feel yourself wavering.

The more distance between you and this horrible man, the earlier it'll become and the clearer you will be able to see.

seensome · 16/06/2021 20:19

Well done for ending it, remember going back to him will never work it just delays the healing process, stay strong.
When I came out of a bad relationship, I know I've learnt that isn't what I want and I must aim higher for myself.

EllieStartingOver · 16/06/2021 20:28

@Cam2020 unfortunately I’m self employed and so my phone is always ringing with unknown numbers.

My family don’t know, and neither do my friends bar one. I felt ashamed and I know people were already concerned about the age difference.

I intend to buy the freedom program as soon as I log on tomorrow morning. Will it help me to process this relationship and stay away, or is it more for recognising the signs of a toxic/abusive relationship in the future?

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Cam2020 · 16/06/2021 21:07

@Cam2020 unfortunately I’m self employed and so my phone is always ringing with unknown numbers.

That definitely makes things more tricky.

How do you think people would rewct if you told them? Can you trust them to be supportive, or are you worried about their judgement? I really think the more support and people who know, the better.

I don't know anything about the Freedom Programme unfortunately, other than what I've read on herebut I do know that these sorts of relationships thrive on the secrecy and shame and the more you talk about it the easier it becomes to see it for what it is and believe it's not your fault that this has happened Flowers

EllieStartingOver · 16/06/2021 21:21

Thank you, I really appreciate your post it made me quite emotional.

I will go and speak to my mum at the weekend I think x

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klangers · 16/06/2021 22:56

Pulling the hand break whilst driving could have killed you. Next time instead of hitting your wall it could be your face. Just remember that when you feel like you are getting sucked back
In

MerryChristmasToYou · 16/06/2021 22:59

Block him on all numbers and social media accounts. If you get an unknown number calling you, let the caller speak first if you suspect it is him.

Losing business is better than a toxic relationship.

EllieStartingOver · 17/06/2021 07:26

Thank you everyone for your responses, I keep reading them.

I’ve been searching for podcasts on toxic relationships but I can’t see to find anything decent, I was hoping someone might have a recommendation?

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 17/06/2021 07:49

I found some podcasts on relationships useful, these aren’t specifically about toxic relationships but might suit - Friendshipping! and Big Mood, Little Mood

ABBC · 17/06/2021 07:52

He pulled the handbrake up while you were driving?

This man hates you with a murderous hatred.

Ruminating2020 · 17/06/2021 07:54

Well done for removing this person from your life. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He abused you and he is responsible for his behaviour.

Have you tried looking up narcissistic abuse when researching toxic relationships? There are hundreds of YouTube videos explaining why they do xyz and what you can do to recover.

EllieStartingOver · 17/06/2021 07:54

@ABBC

He pulled the handbrake up while you were driving?

This man hates you with a murderous hatred.

Yes, at 50mph down a country lane.

I feel so stupid reading it all back, and really ashamed that it’s actually hurting me to walk away.

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EllieStartingOver · 17/06/2021 10:32

Thank you @Ruminating2020 x

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ChristmasFluff · 17/06/2021 13:38

The Baggage Reclaim podcast by Natalie Lue is really good on all aspects of relationships.

Melanie Tonia Evans is far and away the best on toxic relationships IMO - really focusses on self, and not endless regurgitation of red flags.

EllieStartingOver · 17/06/2021 13:39

@ChristmasFluff thank you so much, I’ll check both out x

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