Building resilience about rejection when dating

[Sandra15]

I joined Mumsnet originally to get some help with my friend and how I was being affected by her issues - here is my original post.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4211283-Friend-losing-the-plot

She's having a lot of therapy now and talking about her issues. She's moved on from talking about men in a childish way now, and is really getting to the bottom of her problems with her therapist, but finding it painful and uncomfortable but is willing to talk to me in a more sensible manner now.

She said last night that he had asked her about what she wanted from a partner (previously she said she just wanted to be loved, and I told her that didn't mean she could just accept any old bit of scrag end). She's come up with a few thoughts which are all sound, really, and what we all want from a good long-term relationship or marriage.

But she said last night that when she is ready to start dating, how will she cope with rejection? If she goes out with someone a few times and he ends it? She does become way overinvested and attached far too early (she was doing this weeks after her husband died, all with blokes she had met on Facebook and one of them called her a stalker and a bunny boiler, then giving her more ammunition to beat herself up with that she always 'messes things up'.

I know she needs to work on self esteem, but it's about building resilience in the world of dating and she is as resilient as a melting snowflake and would be crushed if someone, however unsuitable, chucked her. She would say she mucked up, it was all her fault, and be in floods of tears and then just loll about the house doing nothing and achieving nothing, which is a vicious cycle.

So what would be your thoughts about this? How do you do it??

Advise her to speak to her therapist?

Why are you so invested in this? The tone of your post sounds extremely condescending towards her. No offence but this is your second thread on a similar subject and it’s starting to seem like you’re rather judgemental and almost smug about this when the poor woman has recently lost her husband!

@RosieGuacamosie - I am invested because she has asked me to be. She asks questions, shares information about her background and her therapy with me that she doesn't with anyone else. I am sharing info that she has told me. Not making judgements, repeating her own judgements about herself.

Why on earth would I be smug? I am not a counsellor, I am her friend. I get nothing out of this. Except, perhaps, eventually seeing her happy and sorted. I really don't understand the smugness assessment at all. I am not that childish, actually.

You really aren't here, don't know her or the situation and can only see what I write. I've written a great deal, but even that is not enough to spell it all out, which I'm not really going to do.

For your information, she bitterly regrets marrying her husband and is furious and angry about staying with him. She says her grieving is not about the loss of him, but it has unleashed a volcano of other concerns, thoughts, etc about many things.

And thank you for your five words of advice in the first line. I'll do that. Cheers.

"No offence but ..." - is that the same as "just saying"?

RosieGuacamosie, not helpful. Think a bit.

@Sandra15, there was a thread the other day about building resilience in children, which might be helpful. The key to resilience is rooted in self-esteem. If you value yourself, and you know you're a good person who is deserving of love and respect.... you stop being so desperate for that approval from others, and if people let you down, you see it as their failing,not yours.

Try not to think too far into the future. This isn't the man to spend your life with, its the man to spend today, tomorrow, next week, next month with. Just hold back a bit.

You do seem rather invested in this friend who you describe as becoming too invested and attached in people.

Unfortunately you can't change someone's mindset, she will eventually have to do this for herself.
Nobody likes rejection but it's part of life and going through it makes you stronger, she will learn not to over invest in a man too quickly.
She will also be the rejector at times, maybe this could help her accept the times when she is rejected, not to take it too personally.
There is so much focus on what can go wrong? it's quite negative, she needs to think who would be suitable for her rather than trying to please a man, perhaps if she sees it as a interview like process rather than a emotional one to begin with.

I was looking for some feedback from people with dating experience rather than this sort of remark.

You should have been there a couple of months ago when she was calling and on the phone for hours! It's only about once a week now!!!!

It would be better for her to work on her self-worth rather than her self-esteem - the former comes from herself, the latter from other people.

Suggest she reads Responsibility Rebellion by Kain Ramsay.

It's doesn't seem you're open to any advice, I don't think you're the right 'friend' to be advising her.

@Sarahlou63

It would be better for her to work on her self-worth rather than her self-esteem - the former comes from herself, the latter from other people.

Suggest she reads Responsibility Rebellion by Kain Ramsay.

Really interesting differential thanks for that. I will suggest the book for her as well. Cheers.

@Sandra15

I was looking for some feedback from people with dating experience rather than this sort of remark.

This was in response to @lunettesloupes - not you, @seensome. I don't think the quote function works when I reply on my phone, which I did this morning. Thanks for your first reply, good points. I hadn't thought of dating as being an interview. I don't think she's in the right place for dating yet though, constantly bursting into tears about what she sees as her failings won't really help her. When we were chatting the other day I asked her what good points she had and she said she didn't know. When I named 5, she batted it away.

Thanks for your input. Easy to misconstrue things on here, isn't it?

I did which you completely ignored and then you go on about pp leaving remarks than advice.

I think this friend it actually you and you just can't take the advice given.

@seensome

I think this friend it actually you and you just can't take the advice given.

Firstly, you are totally wrong about this. I've never had any husband, never mind a dead one, and I am not disingenuous enough to lie about something like this especially on a platform where people ask for help particularly when many of them have been lied to.

Secondly, have a look through the thread. I replied to a post this morning, by clicking Quote, but the quote function didn't work. Therefore my post, without the quote function, appeared directly under your post, which looked like I had replied to you, which I hadn't. This then led you to comment that I was not open to any advice. I've already addressed this in an earlier reply to you.