How to feel good enough

[fruitywaves]

Advise/tips etc would be good.
DP almost left me couple yrs back.
I was blindsided as unexpected and didn't see any big issues in relationship. Just normal relationship, no big arguments and rare if there were some.
We stayed together but I compare to women he went on outing with and still has professional contact with and any other younger attractive women as he said back then had wandering eye. All made me feel terrible as best friend etc etc
Used to do nice things for him but now although he is nice to me sometimes I sense he knows I feel needy/insecure and he has a smug/cocky/smirk look which he might not realise but he's confident of himself and my feelings for him. Knows I was feeling very bad when relationship on way out.
We are getting on well now and things good but I would like him to get that needy desperate feeling I have had and still have now as don't feel secure anymore.
How to I get back that confidence and self esteem.
Want to be with him but want to feel like I'm special like I used to feel.
He says all the right things but I just don't feel like I used to. Anxiety is bad now and there hasn't been a day since he wanted out that I don't think about what previously happened.
Lost my faith in human nature to be honest. I know I can't control someone else but just want to feel confident and not scared and safe like I used to.
Don't know if that feeling will ever return.
Hope it does. He has let down so much.
He Really shocked me.
Any help to not think negatively and be happy positive and how other people moved on with same person.
Coping strategies for when feeling bad.
Will feel happy then a wave of sadness/uncertainty will come over me and my mood will flip 360.

Op he is a vile and abusive man. Yes, abuse.

No sane man smirks at the suffering of others.

The stuff in the beginning was all a con to reel you in. It's not coming back because it was a lie. A mask. That version of him does not exist.

Read up on how to spot abuse.
Gaslighting, love bombing and 'the narcissistic smirk' might be particularly useful for you.

If you want your confidence back in yourself and in human nature, get as far away from him as you can as fast as possible.

Oh and the complementing other women ect...is called 'narcissistic triangulation' it is deliberate and done to make you feel insecure. Let that sink in. He planned to make you feel like shit.

Actually rereading, you might have meant you compare yourself to the other women? Not him comparing you.

But still, if he is giving you the smirk when he knows you are dealing most insecure, he is not a nice man.

*feeling

Sounds unhealthy.

We are getting on well now and things good but I would like him to get that needy desperate feeling I have had and still have now as don't feel secure anymore.

You can never CONTROL or FORCE another adult to feel a certain way. The fact that you have given him the power over you to crush your self esteem means you need to lool for the reasons for that in yourself.

How do you mean I have given him the power?
I don't understand as I didn't ask to be treated this way. Can you elaborate if you have time?
He is treating me well now and did before just that time.
Just can't get rid of worry!
Thanks

But you're kinda hanging around even though he has treated you that way op. So as far as he in concerned, he can treat you shaudily and you'll just stay anyway. For his table scraps.

I wouldn't feel secure if my partner was hanging out with a bunch of young women and telling me he has a wandering eye. That's essentially him saying he is thinking about shagging other women to you. And even though it made you feel like shit, which was the intention, you're still with him, tolerating that nonsense!

While cares if he is treating you well now! He already made you insecure. And he knows it.

I understand what you are saying rereading your message. It is unhealthy. What I meant is I want him to understand how bad I felt back then and now sometimes so he knows how much he hurt me.
I don't want him to feel like I do all the time as you are correct that is not healthy but just so he has some understanding of how bad I feel sometimes.
When you care for someone a lot it is like a kick in the stomach when they are disloyal.
He has apologised so I just somehow need to move on

Thanks for your advice.
Some people like yourself really strong personalities and won't take any crap and rightly so.
Hard when you love someone but I agree with you in some ways.

@fruitywaves I understand where youre coming from and its really easy for me to type "youre in control of how you feel" when Im not in your shoes, but at the end of the day, that really is what it boils down to.
You say you feel needy because of the perceived imbalance in your relationship, he seems more confident than you are, thats because hes chosen to not let your neediness affect him in any way. Some men in his position with a needy partner might feel guilty, or sad or irritated, hes CHOSEN not to feel anything (atleast anything which you can see) which means he is in control of how he feels. The only way to take BACK your power, is to really believe deep down that his behaviour towards you doesnt affect (increase or decrease) your worth.

It's easier said than done but you need to try and get your validation and reassurance from yourself. Start being nice to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you talk to your friends. Look at yourself in the mirror and name all the things you like about yourself, tell yourself you are beautiful, smart, worthy. Really mean it. Because you are. Try writing down positive affirmations. Find a hobby that you enjoy and do only for you. Soon you will notice a shift in the way you think. You shouldn't be with someone who you feel desperate for, you should be with them because they make you feel happy and secure. You don't need to be with him, you survived before you met him and you could survive again. Once he starts to realise you don't depend on him for your happiness he won't feel so smug. And by this point you might feel confident and secure enough to leave this abusive relationship and not look back

Thankyou for good advice everyone

I will try and take it