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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is not being in love enough reason to leave?

16 replies

Helen812 · 15/06/2021 23:35

I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have a son. My husband has depression, and has had alcohol dependence issues, he can be moody and paranoid and he has issues with family that he just can't seem to get over.
Long story short, I have just fallen out of love with him. We haven't had sex since forever, I just don't see him that way anymore. We bicker and he just gets on my nerves and I find I prefer it when he's not here.
But he is a good person and loves our son and has never been abusive so I feel guilty that I am wanting to separate. But we are living like house mates and I feel that there has to be a better life for me than this.
So is it fair to leave someone when you no longer want to be with them romantically? Even if they are a good decent person and not abusive?

OP posts:

BuddleiaBlooming · 15/06/2021 23:49

Alcohol dependency
Family issues he won't get over
No sex
Moody
You bicker
He gets on your nerves
Depression on top of that...

I'd say that's plenty of reasons to leave tbh.

BuddleiaBlooming · 15/06/2021 23:50

If the nest you can say about him is that he's not abusive...

Sillawithans · 16/06/2021 00:50

There's a better life for both of you op.
I suspect my partner has fallen out of love with me as no sex. Be brave and rip the plaster off.

Anordinarymum · 16/06/2021 00:54

@Helen812

I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have a son. My husband has depression, and has had alcohol dependence issues, he can be moody and paranoid and he has issues with family that he just can't seem to get over. Long story short, I have just fallen out of love with him. We haven't had sex since forever, I just don't see him that way anymore. We bicker and he just gets on my nerves and I find I prefer it when he's not here. But he is a good person and loves our son and has never been abusive so I feel guilty that I am wanting to separate. But we are living like house mates and I feel that there has to be a better life for me than this. So is it fair to leave someone when you no longer want to be with them romantically? Even if they are a good decent person and not abusive?

It's not fair on either of you. It's also not fair on your child who will know everything because children do. Only one life. Live it well. You will regret not leaving if you simply stay for the sake of being fair

0zzyfan · 27/06/2021 18:52

How are you feeling OP?

I am feeling v similar to this.
The thought of leaving makes me happy, but the thought of hurting him keeps me here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2021 19:08

Indeed the best thing you can say about him is that he is not abusive. Just how low is your relationship bar here?. You need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did your father treat your mother like this?.

How exactly is he a good decent person here?. He really is not.

He is self medicating with alcohol as many alcoholics do but alcohol itself is a depressant. That is reason enough to leave let alone the rest of it from him towards you people.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?. Would you want him to behave similarly around his wife/partner as an adult?. No you would not but what you're showing him is that currently at least all this from his dad is acceptable to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2021 19:10

Ozzyfan

I daresay he has not considered at all how much he has and continues to hurt you all. He does not deserve your consideration.

If the thought of leaving him makes you happy then feel the fear and do it anyway. And as Ozzy himself wrote in one of his songs, "life won't wait for you my friend".

Redruby2020 · 27/06/2021 19:11

@BuddleiaBlooming

If the nest you can say about him is that he's not abusive...

Yeah exactly, it's like 'settling' or making do, or saying 'at least'

Redruby2020 · 27/06/2021 19:11

@BuddleiaBlooming

Alcohol dependency Family issues he won't get over No sex Moody You bicker He gets on your nerves Depression on top of that...

I'd say that's plenty of reasons to leave tbh.

I agree!

Ladylokidoki · 27/06/2021 19:14

I think if 2 people no longer love eachother but respect eachother and are genuine friends it can work.

But the reason you dont love him is because of a long list of problems. Not that you have just fallen out of romantic love, but still care about him.

billy1966 · 27/06/2021 19:16

@BuddleiaBlooming

Alcohol dependency Family issues he won't get over No sex Moody You bicker He gets on your nerves Depression on top of that...

I'd say that's plenty of reasons to leave tbh.

This.

Get out and move on.
He sounds awful.

Redruby2020 · 27/06/2021 19:20

Yeah, agree with a few other posters, that you are looking at what the worse case scenario could be. That's not the answer, I do realise that any reason might not be the ultimate reason to separate, as we often hear that people don't try hard enough in relationships these days. But you have one factor especially where I don't think anyone should have to, and that is with the alcohol problems.
My mother has normalised it all of our lives, and I grew up and have gone on to meet others who had similar problems and knew it is not right, but used to it, so you do again, kind of normalise it.

It's different if it were one or two little things that you could deal with and were happy and in love otherwise. I was told by someone that they realised that relationships are not a fairytale, and that many experienced the problems they were having, so basically saying it's normal, when they know it's definantly not!
I stayed with someone who was abusive, and so many things that were wrong and that I didn't like.
I also for most of the relationship did not want to have sex with them.

Please think of yourself and your happiness, you might go on to stay on your own, but it is better than being in the current situation.

Original poster

Helen812 · 01/07/2021 12:09

Thanks so much everyone

OP posts:

Dawninrealisation · 01/07/2021 12:14

He sounds like he needs help.
You say he's a good person and he's not abusive. If I was in your position, I'd try to help him a bit more before I decided upon finally leaving him. In marriage we agree to take the best and the worst times. If you're content that you've done everything you possibly can to help him, and he's still not improving, then that's possibly the time to end the relationship if it's not making you happy.

whichwayisup · 01/07/2021 12:17

@BuddleiaBlooming

Alcohol dependency Family issues he won't get over No sex Moody You bicker He gets on your nerves Depression on top of that...

I'd say that's plenty of reasons to leave tbh.

This.

Dawninrealisation · 01/07/2021 12:21

What if he has depression because of family issues he can't get over? What if he has turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism?
What if his dependency has affected his libido?
What if the lack of intimacy has created tension so that bickering occurs?

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