Not satisfied with sex life

[firehaven]

Hi please give me some opinions or maybe someone in similar situation.
I've been with my partner for 10 years. I've always had high sex drive and I've always initiated sex. I would be the one to talk about it, talk about fantasies, tell him what I would like to do try etc. Obviously it was more exciting at the beginning, but my husband does not try anymore. He watches porn and masturbates a lot, I've talked to him about this, Over the years I've cried, I've been mad, I tried to support him, I brought him to therapy. But nothing has worked. Now we have less sex than ever, yet he continues to watch porn. He never tells me when he is horny, every time I try to talk about sex he doesn't want to. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so unhappy I've started fantasising about other men actually wanting me that way.
Apart from the sex life we are good friends, partners, we have a house, two year old daughter and another baby on the way. And no pregnancy has not made things worse, this has been going on for years. The only thing now I'm a bit less confident about my body after the first baby so I don't initiate as much but I'm also tired of it. Tired of being unwanted. Of always having to ask for it.

Oh op, I really feel for you. I'm in the same boat. Been with my partner for 8 years and as hard as it is to admit it the bottom line is he's just gone off me but doesn't have the balls to say it.
He hasn't come to bed in a week and for that week has slept in our garden shed.
My life is madness right now.

It is sad to hear of so many women feeling rejected, and families literally falling apart due to the effects that porn has on intimacy.
Porn rewires the brain and has devastating impacts on desire.
Have you looked at the website 'Fight the new drug'? Lots of quality information on there.

Of course I have looked at fight the new drug, but it is very one sided. I know I've read about a lot of women going through similar things because of porn.
I do genuinely think that my partner has a problem with intimacy and connection, he escapes to porn because it's easy. He said himself he prefers to be "almost anonymous"
He doesn't ask for anything ever. He comes from very emotionally distant family, I think asking for your needs being met was not allowed, so he learnt to suppress them or just deal with them on his own. I think he needs a therapy, I tried suggesting it but with lockdown it has been extremely difficult.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum, mean it, and act on it if he can’t change. He gives up the porn (which may mean he puts child locks on his devices if necessary), you both commit to go again to some kind of therapy where you can both talk openly and honestly about your relationship and his attitude towards / difficulties with sex and intimacy, he works with you to try and get sex back on the menu again; or you will be instigating a divorce. You say this has been a problem for years and he knows it’s a problem because you’ve told him over and over; but you’ve stayed and had two babies with him and essentially told him that you’ll accept his behaviour and however much you cry and rant at him, you won’t actually do anything further and will just put up with it. What impetus does he have to change? At the moment he gets to do as he pleases, avoid addressing the problem, and still have you around.

I’d have walked long ago - I don’t think he wants to change and I couldn’t be bothered trying to make it happen. But if you do want to make a last attempt, it needs to be crystal clear in both of your heads that it really is that and this is the end of the road for tou.

You said it yourself - he has a problem with intimacy and connection and escapes to porn. He is failing to provide one of the basic requirements of any partnership namely a mutually satisfactory sex life. Choosing porn rather than you is not quite cheating perhaps but it is demeaning and not something a truly loving partner would contemplate.

I can't fathom why he would be satisfied with porn and masturbation but never want the real thing? Not just satisfied but choose it, a lot.

What is it like when it does happen, which assuming it must as you're pregnant. Does he put effort in and seem like he's enjoying it himself?

Would you try a sex therapist? I met one once she was lovely, studied at the Tavistock if you need a place to look. As a last ditch attempt? Seems a shame to throw the relationship away over this one issue, but I also know you cant do anything but if it doesn't get resolved. Too much unhappiness down that path.

It depends. It's mostly the same old boring stuff. He never seems to be super horny he's all over me. In the past we tried some bdsm which I thought we both enjoyed but when I mentioned it now he just nods but never brings it up.
We tried couples therapy but when lockdown started we quit.

I think most people’s sexual needs and wants change over time and circumstances, some people want more sex / less sex / different sex / sex with different people.
It sounds like your expectations of a good sex life are worlds apart from what your husband expects., I think your comment below sums it up,

It's mostly the same old boring stuff. He never seems to be super horny he's all over me. In the past we tried some bdsm which I thought we both enjoyed but when I mentioned it now he just nods but never brings it up.

Probably time to call it quits as neither are you sound very happy

Agree with pp by staying and having a 2nd child with him you're sending the message you're actually fine to put up with it all.

Nothing stopping you buying some toys and developing a solo sex life tbh