Can a trauma bond feel like love?

[bitsyitsy]

Just this really.

I have some confusing feelings for an ex, who I dumped because he was so toxic and behaved in a lot of very abusive ways, but I struggle with feelings of craving him and missing the good times.

This is particularly confusing because I wasn't in love with him during the relationship, and the relationship was partly lovely with him being really attentive and great and partly absolutely awful with him being very emotionally abusive.

I was really happy to be out, and have a lovely new partner now who is a million times better and who I feel "in love with". So why the cravings and difficulty letting go of the crazy ex?

It's been suggested to me I have a trauma bond. Can this feel like love? IE: longing to see the person, looking back on the good times and almost rewriting history?

It's more like being a dog with an abusive owner, locked in a crate. But he feeds you. The owner is shit but they give you something you can't get elsewhere because they've locked you in a crate.

So basically your body becomes accustomed to associate them with your needs. And if the crate suddenly opens, you have no idea wtf you are supposed to do and you may even look for the owner to show up again so that theres some sort of parameters.

I think it's like that thing when people fall for their kidnappers. It's not love, more... dependency.

This is why me longing for the other douchebag and at times acting on it by contacting him is making me feel so bad inside.

Definitely delete his number and block on everything. It does help as it makes it a bit harder for you to contact them.

@bitsyitsy Do you have/see many close friends nowadays? Maybe what you're missing is the friendship. Make time to chat to friends and/or try and make some more.

It wasn’t and isn’t love.

My ex and mine relationship was like a rollercoaster. Almighty highs and crashing lows, highs where everything was amazing the electricity, then the low of the fights, cheating etc and the make up after. It’s like drugs. The high being worth the low, but it isn’t. I got out not longer after a serious self harming event.

It still took years to not feel that kind of pull to him and turned me into a bit of a monster at the beginning of my next relationship because I couldn’t understand why we where not having these highs and I acted rather poorly because my brain just couldn’t comprehend it.

Thanks everyone, this is helping. No, I don't have any close friends really. I relocated for my job, so my ex was really my only proper friend at the time and we did everything together. I have friends at home but they were not there for the day to day. It's a good idea to try and build intimate relationships with others and I'll take the advice given. I was thinking of changing job now to remove myself from seeing him as it seems to be seeing him and having a chat that makes me go down the rabbit hole.

Hi op just want to say I completely get how you’re feeling, I could have written your post.

I always felt he liked/loved me more than me him when we were together, but in reality he was lovebombing me to the point where I started to question reality. He clearly didn’t miss me as within a few months of splitting he was seeing 3 different women yet wanted to kill himself after I dumped him as he wanted to marry me…

I think the question you also need to ask yourself is why you went for him in the first place. I realised after a lot of soul searching that I based a normal relationship on what I’d grown up with which was far than normal. Both parents hate each other but refuse to split up and treat each other terribly (married for decades).

Once you figure out why, the rest will click into place. I still have moments but they are fewer and further between. Good idea to get more friendships if you can, sounds like he isolated you so all you’d have is him to rely on. My ex did the same with me, it’s part of their tactics.

Best wishes to you, it’s so hard.