My mum died and I've got over it too quickly

[ellieboo9]

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer just days before the first lockdown and as she lives in another country I wasn't able to see her all during her illness, partly because she was shielding, and also because it would have involved leaving my 6 year old daughter for weeks on end while quarantining on arrival/return.

About six months in, i.e. last August, my mum's treatment was going well but she needed to go into hospital for a drain procedure, where she developed pneumonia and was suddenly told she had only days to live. At that stage we had thought she would at least make it to Christmas, if not another year. I went from being told not to go and visit her to suddenly being told by the doctors to jump on a plane. I managed to get to the hospital a couple of hours before the morphine properly kicked in but she wasn't really lucid. The doctors thought she might last another few days so I went back to her house that night to sleep, only to be phoned a couple of hours later with the news that she was gone.
The funeral was a couple of days later and I was back home in England within a week.

Since then I've started a new freelance business, sorted out my mother's probate and tax affairs, and homeschooled my daughter for 3 months. I've done anything, it seems, but grieve – or at least it feels like that.
I've barely cried and it feels like it never even happened. I'm worried that I'm basically a cold, pragmatic and possibly selfish person, and starting to have horrible thoughts that I might be like this even if my daughter died. Is there something seriously wrong with me if I'm crying more about newspaper stories than things happening in my own life?

there is no right or wrong here.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Please don't worry. You are dealing with it in the way that you are able to. A lot of people go into practical mode. It's normal and understandable and doesn't mean you didn't love the person.

I am sorry to hear about your mum.

Everyone handles grief differently though. You're not "wrong " if you're not prostrate with grief for months, same as you're not wrong if you are. Some people cope better by finding things to distract themselves, while other people are reflective.

I am a do-er by nature, i dealt with my dad's death by sorting things out. My sister literally fell apart. We're just different people who deal with things differently.

honestly there's no timeline. sometimes it hits you straight away and sometimes it takes years. when i lost my mum my councillor said your brain will let you process it when it's ready to do so and there's no right or wrong to how long it takes. and you shouldn't feel guilt about it.

In all likelihood it will hit you and you will grieve but some people just never do. and that's fine too

My mum died when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant about two years ago. She was an utterly amazing mum but I only cried on the day of her death and her funeral.

Life just continued especially with a newborn and I felt awful for not feeling more awful. However, suddenly two years down the line, my head has been freed from baby and I am finding myself grieving for her in small little ways i.e. a new book came out from a series we both loved and I had a little cry.

I don't think grief is linear especially after such a shock to the way in which you did not get to see her in person.

Grief isn't linear and it can pop up totally unexpectedly, even if you've not felt it for ages.

I'll see something I think mum would like, and then remember I can't buy it for her or tell her about it. And it just washed over me. Then I might not even think about her for months.

OP, when you have time and space, if there is grief to express, you will express it.

When my mum died, though we had fair warning and it was a release for her, I was numb, and just did the practical things. After a year or two, I was quite impatient with her for still being dead! When I needed her, I missed her very much. Now, seven years later, I feel she is around me a lot of the time. I talk to her if I need to.

Grief is different for everyone. Your way is fine.

I haven't grieved for my mother actively and she's been dead for over 20 years now. It seems to be more the small things that I miss and having to do so many things without her. We don't all grieve in the same way, like you I had a young family and I kept going for them. There is, for me, a residual sadness which never fades. You will never forget your mother but you're also adjusting after Covid and homeschooling, on top of dealing with your mother's practical affairs. Please don't worry about the way you experience loss, it is different for everyone. The experience is universal but reactions are unique.

There are no rights or wrongs here. Everyone processes things differently and at different speeds.

My Dad died in March. I know it is still early days, but I still don't feel as though I have really begun to process it yet. I've felt numb a lot of the time. Shell shocked maybe. That seems to have been my main coping mechanism.

It does hit me at times, like when I go to visit my mother. I'll be approaching their house (now her house, and my childhood home) and realise that he will never be there to greet me again.

I still wouldn't say I have started to deal with it though, apart from practicalities like registering his death (still find it hard to believe that I actually did that), helping my mother to organise his funeral, driving her into town and helping her get to the bank or funeral directors in her wheelchair so that everything could start to be sorted out.

Will I ever? I don't know. I always have him in my mind, and have conversations with him that way.

You are not cold or selfish at all. Like others have said, we all grieve differently and there is no time line or right/wrong way.
When I lost my Mum to cancer I grieved totally differently to when my Dad died suddenly from a heart attack. I was close to them both and they were both my parents but with my Mum we knew she had terminal cancer and we grieved every day for what we were going to lose. My Dads death was such a shock and I honestly thought I would never smile again.

You've had a lot to deal with and sorted all the practical things. The emotion might come later but you can't force it and it may never happen. Either way, you are totally normal. Take care

Everyone is different in their responses to the death of a close relative or friend.

My beloved mum died after a short illness (6 days) at the end of 2019. I cried very briefly on the day she died, because I had a sense that she wouldn't make it (she was having an operation). But I've hardly cried for her since then.

Like you, OP, I find myself sometimes in tears when watching the news and seeing the suffering that others are having to endure. But my own loss and grief for my darling mum seems to be firmly locked away.

My dad died 6 months ago and my mum 3 weeks ago.
I’ve been busy and also home educate. I just feel numb and like it’s not actually real.
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve

As PPs have said, everyone grieves differently. Mine died 25 years ago when I was 23 and it still bites me on the bum every now and again. But like @DoingItMyself, I feel mine around a lot - for me I kind of feel her around my right shoulder (I know that sounds really weird, but it's like she's literally got my back), and she does make herself scarce if I'm having sex or something, but it's a really lovely feeling to have. I don't really feel alone or scared because I know she is somewhere close by.

I’m the same as you really, sad briefly when parent died but I am a practical problem solving person and logically reasoned with myself that’s how nature works. I wonder if as well, you don’t live nearby so on a day to day basis nothing has changed for us so you don’t have lots of reasons to think about it. I don’t feel too bad though as I think I’m quite similar to the parent I lost and they would have been the same.

Sometimes we grieve for strangers. Our own pain is too much and gets safely locked away.

Another voice agreeing that everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Take it easy on yourself. You are doing great in very difficult circumstances.

Be kind to yourself. You will grieve when you are ready, perhaps a thought or a few tears or maybe a full on breakdown. You will never know until your mind tells you its time to release the pain. You are doing brilliantly and stepping up and continuing on.

How close were you? I'm guessing if you lived in different countries she wasn't part of your day-to-day life?

My DF died right in middle of when we were repatting to the UK after several years overseas. He had been ill for some time and it wasn't a shock. When I say right in the middle I mean literally that week - I was flying back for the funeral at the same time my husband was working with the removals crew to pack up our home, get the container loaded and move with the children into local temporary accommodation. We were leaving much loved jobs and schools and friends: it was a chaotic time of so many "endings" and so many things to do that processing my father's death became another thing on my to-do list.

Over two years later I think that I actually somehow skipped grieving for him. Its hard to explain - I do miss him and would rather he was still alive, but somehow I just moved from him being alive to accepting he wasn't. Perhaps it will hit me one day, but I don't think so.

I occasionally wonder that I am utterly heartless - I don't think I will grieve deeply for any of my family - but I know that if anything happened to my children I would be utterly and totally broken.

It's not unusual; on the bereavement board, similar threads pop up every few months, including mine.
I lost Mum over 18 months ago and was more or less fine, though we loved each other dearly. It felt like the grief was dammed up behind a thick wall and seeped out drop by drop.
Just recently it feels like there's a tiny hole in that wall and now I'm getting puddles and can cry sometimes.
So no you're not "wrong", it's a pretty normal variation. HTH.

My way 30 plus years ago was very much like yours. Got on with things, finished degree, travelled for 6 weeks in the US, started phd and had a part time job and new boyfriend. I got on with things. It hit me years later and I would say I have found it harder in the last ten years when she would have been retired than I did the first ten years.
We all cope with things differently. I got fed up of folks telling me I should have counselling for infertility and later for miscarriage- I couldn’t have stood that. But for other people it is vital. We’re all different.

Mu dad died 9 years ago. I've never cried and I don't miss him. He just isn't here anymore.

Same with my grandma who died the year before and I was very close to her.

I don't feel bad about it, it's just the way I am.

Equally, I don't understand people whose lives just stop when someone dies. It's 'normal' and will happen to all of us.

I feel the same OP. I loved my Dad so much but haven't really cried much since he passed last year. I've seen my older brothers in tears, but less so me. Life has just been hectic and stressful ever since. It's been a strange time and I've surprised myself with how I've just gotten on with it.

Lockdown might have something to do with it, being in a siege state, it might flow a bit more when it's all over and some of the normal practices can fully return, seeing family, acknowledging his absence when we're all together and he's not there, Christmas, birthdays etc

I’m sorry for your loss grief can be different for different people - my mum was very like you when my grandma died - practical and powering through - I on the other hand was crying multiple times a day in the work toilet for months - even though it was her mum if you see what I mean? You may find the crying grief comes later, it may not - bottom line is no 2 people grieve the same way so look after yourself and try not to put pressure on yourself that you’re not grieving the ‘right’ way if you see what I mean?