Lost and think want to leave marriage

[Misty7]

Hi, I feel completely lost in myself. The last few months I have realised I am completely at my wits end with my marriage. A number of things over the last few years all adding up to the point I was so miserable. I didn’t know who I was anymore and started to find myself again giving me confidence in realising where I am unhappy.
My DH is not a bad person. He however has a very easy complacent life and no matter asking him again and again to help around the house, change things etc after a few days to a week things usually would go back to how they are. He has no drive with anything anymore where he use to always chase to be the best, he has no self care (I do not find him attractive anymore). We have a toddler who he is great with now but as a baby I struggled with everything as he worked and was not helpful. Now I am back at work he has him more evenings and nights but it’s how it’s easiest for him to deal with it. Like I said now he is a very devoted father to our DS now but hard to forget the stuff when he was a baby.
We have spoken and he understands how I am feeling he says it will change this time and he is making a bit more effort around the house (the basics like filling dishwasher putting a wash load on). He says he’s trying but I need to see more.
I dream of living alone how much easier it would be, I really don’t know if I love him anymore. Our sex life has been bad for years and he’s trying now but I just feel like I don’t want him touching me even though longed for it for so long but he just did not care for sex. I feel awful he is not mean, abusive or anything. Our life is great we do nice things, have nice house but I am not happy with him anymore. I want to get out I actually dream of renting somewhere little of my own even though money would be tight and budgeting excites me!
I went away for a few days last week with our DS whilst he worked to see my family but I did not miss him. Made sure our DS had contact with him everyday but I wasn’t keen to make conversation. I know this is breaking him and I feel awful but I want to be happy too. Anyone else felt similar been through similar? Thanks for reading. Mx

He is mean and abusive I'm afraid OP, he just has a different way of showing it.
There is no excuse for not pulling your weight in a marriage so everyone gets time off.

even though money would be tight and budgeting excites me

I had to roll my eyes at this. You must have lived a privileged life until now for this to excites you. Budgeting for exciting fun is an entirely different thing than budgeting because you are down to your last pound. There is nothing exciting about having to choose how you spend your last fiver in your bank account, whether to use it for food or fuel. This the reality for some single mums and the flippant way you call it exciting is naive and I'm wondering if you've really thought about the realities of that kind of situation.

That said, it sounds to me like he might be very knowingly leaving you to do everything. When some men have babies it doesn't matter to them if their partner works or not. To them, your role is in the home and to look after the baby, and any working is your 'choice', something to add to your plate in addition to any existing childcare duties (which are still yours and not something they're willing to really play an equal part in). Therefore, you get men who are 'useless' at this or that when actually they can do it perfectly well but are choosing not to because they know you will pick up the work. If he was always forgetful or not practical, that's one thing, but if he's suddenly turned into a non-helpful partner, that's another.

The alternative is that you might have some disagreement between you as to how things are done in the house. What would he be like if he was living alone? Someone would need to fill the dishwasher, wouldn't they? In what way is the way he fills the dishwasher 'wrong'? Is there a chance that you might be pedantic or controlling around certain things around the house, where he's always wrong, and he's simply given up doing them as they will never be to your exact standards? Could he be confused as to what his role is? Have you tried having a system where certain things are your responsibility, and certain things are his, like he could be in charge or the bins and dishwasher and you're in charge of bed linen and hoovering?