Should I end it before it begins?

[troobleflooble]

Been chatting to a guy online and arranged a first date for last night.

Date went wonderfully, he was interesting, great conversationalist and it seemed like we had a lot in common. He made an effort and treated me very nicely.

However, it transpired during the course of the evening that he has a young child. I had written in a previous post that I really wasn't keen to get involved in a relationship with someone with a child because I wanted to be someone's priority for once and didn't want to (eventually) help raise someone else's child or be involved (albeit indirectly) with someone's ex. I am a realist though and it's very likely that men around my age (mid thirties) are likely to have kids so I'm limiting myself to a very small pool if I only go for someone with no children. I also feel very hypocritical as I have kids myself so I'm wondering if I should reconsider the 'no kids' stance entirely.

The only other thing that came out that gives me pause is that he mentioned he is currently going through court proceedings with his ex as she keeps breaking court orders to let him see his child. He has to keep taking her back to court and paying for solicitors as he does not want to be kept from his DC. I really don't know anything else as I didn't want to pry on the first date but is this all a red flag that I should run away from?

On the one hand I feel unfair to him that I'm reconsidering even getting to know him because his situation is complicated, difficult and out of his control. My own life isn't exact easy or uncomplicated so if I expect someone to take me and my issues on then shouldn't I also expect to deal with their stuff? On the other hand I wonder if it's all too much and is a car crash waiting to happen. Should I get out now before I invest any time or emotion in him?

I think you should be true to yourself and also in a way kind to the man concerned and end any relationship. He could be 100% truthful about child access but that is not the deal breaker.

Well I don't think you can use having dc as a reason as its selfish to expect them to take on your dc but not the other way around. I'd date but not move anyone in I your situation so their DC are kind of irrelevant.

I'm.not sure him fighting his ex in court is a red flag. Mean to assume he's the one in the wrong. Can't you just keep him at arms length and be sceptical about his family set up.

But if you CBA you CBA...

Don't get involved. Its not fair on the kid if things progress as you will resent the child. That child deserves to have adults in their life who like and value them, instead of seeing them as an incumbrance. Not having a dig by the way, just that you have an idea of what you want your life to be like and it doesn't involve that child so don't involve that child for their sake, as well as yours.

@CroneAVirus it's been about 6 months and I'm actually fine now. We were only together a year so I'm honestly well and truly over it. There's some scars I carry from previous stuff which I don't think will ever fully heal but that's just life really isn't it.

I've learnt that I have to be much more choosy and walk away from people the first time they fuck up (not the 25th time), that some things cannot and should not be forgiven and that, unfortunately, sometimes love just isn't enough. That doesn't necessarily mean I have to pick someone who has absolutely no drama or baggage in their life, I have plenty and if I would expect someone to take all that on, then I must be prepared to do the same.

I do completely get what you mean though. I am proceeding very carefully with anyone I meet. I won't be blending households for a long time, if ever!

It does help a little I suppose that my kids are much older (teenagers) and in a few years will be off doing their own thing. They already are to an extent.

@sortingout I see what you mean but I don't think it's that. It's partially that I was in a LTR relationship with someone before who had a child. I met him at a young age and spent a lot of time with him. Got to know him, bought him presents on Christmas/birthdays, cooked him meals, did activities with him and really bonded with him. Then his dad broke up with me really suddenly and I never saw him again. In the space of a week went from having family days out to nothing. I'd watched him grow up and it was heartbreaking to lose that. I still think of him sometimes. I don't want to have to go through that again 😞

Sorry but does seem a bit hypocritical when you yourself have kids.

@OliveToboogie

Sorry but does seem a bit hypocritical when you yourself have kids.

So what though? Why can’t the OP aim to have what she wants? Who gets to say whether OP is allowed to be hypocritical or not?

OP,

He has drama going on, whatever the reasons and it wont end with a court judgement.

Do you want to invite drama into your life?
Hearing about it?
Endlessly?

Who needs that?
Move on.

His fighting to see his children and you think its a red flag

You have kids yourself

Do the man a favour and cut ties with him

@BoredOfThisShit I don't think it's a red flag particularly, I actually think it's a positive. Certainly better than the alternative which would be that he had kids which he couldn't be bothered to fight for.

I'm just unsure if I'd be inviting a lot of hassle into my life and if it's ultimately worth persevering with in other people's experience. Having never been in this situation I thought I'd try and gather opinions. I suppose no one can know that though, since it very much depends on the person and the circumstances.

I'm not sure, you need any advice anymore, but I'll add my two cents :) I would give this relationship more time. I don't think it will be hard to stop seeing him after the third or fourth date. But you should decide whether you are ready to be with a man who has a child. You know, people are different. My sister met a good man on EliteSingles. This is a site for 40+ people (here is a review of elite singles if someone is interested). He was 42 and had a son. You know my sister and his son became friends very fast. Now they have two children together, and his son spends almost all weekends at their place. His ex-wife also got married. Everyone is happy. This is just a story to consider. There are different scenarios when dating a man with children. But having read your story, I understand why you need to think twice before going into it again.