Am I Overthinking This? Not Considered in Plans at 18 Months In...

[ChangChang]

Feeling really upset following an incident with my boyfriend at the weekend. We’d been out for a lovely day, and on the train back started talking about houses, what we’d do if we designed our own, etc. He went first - and proceeded to describe somewhere perfect for himself and his 2DC. I then asked him if he ever saw us living together, to which he replied he’s ‘never thought about it’. I was shocked and upset - I had thought that I meant more to him by now but it seems not. Am I overthinking this, or am I right to feel hurt?

No, you're not overthinking at all. He clearly plans no future with you. You now have to decide whether you want to be, basically a casual girlfriend or look for someone who wants to share his life with you. Two years is long enough with a time waster.

YANBU to feel hurt and disappointed - after 18 months, it's surprising that this really hasn't occurred to him.

What happened next? Did you go on to have a conversation about your hopes and expectations for the future, as a couple? If not, maybe you need to do that soon.

It is upsetting I don't blame you for feeling like that. I think it's rubbish that he hasn't thought about it, more like he doesn't want to but won't say that as he likes the relationship as it is, to see you weekends.
Dump him if you don't want to be his long term weekend girlfriend.

@Iwantcauliflowercheese thank you - that’s the sort of reality check I think I need!

@LeafBeetle I didn’t see him the next day though we exchanged a few messages. Said he felt awful that he’d upset me so much. He mentioned that he was ‘probably protecting himself’ bu not thinking ahead, etc. We met for a chat last night and he apologised again, then he said again that he just hasn’t thought about the future.

@seensome this is what is so upsetting - I thought we’d been building something really good - we see and speak to each other a lot, we’ve met each other children and we all spend time together. We’ve a holiday planned in August all together - it’s floored me a bit, to be honest

He’s not though about it because he’s not though about it, plenty of people who are together don’t live together, have you previously made any overtures towards living together?
Maybe this is a good opportunity to discuss living plans and where you BOTH see the future

You mention he has children, so I'm presuming he is taking it slowly. He has to put them first, he can't be introducing new people into his kids life unless he is sure.

Presumably you have been locked down for most of the last 12 months and haven't seen each other as much if there hadn't been covid. It doesn't mean he doesn't see a future at all, he's just not there yet.

You are not over thinking it, but I am a bit surprised that it has never come up before and even now only came up during a conversation on hypotheticals.

Anyway I would be very upset if a boyfriend of 18 months had never thought about the future. I don’t doubt that he is sorry he upset you, but it does kind of suggest he is passing time with you.

As pp, 18 months when there's kids involved is very little. They've already seen one family dynamic changed dramatically, they don't want to see another and I think he's actually being a good parent in not rushing things.
That doesn't mean you have no right to be upset etc, or decide you need more, it's up to you whta your line is

I have been with my bf for 2 years and have no plans to move in with him. I don't want to move someone into my kisd home or lives permanently when they get no say in it. I can have a relationship without living with someone and be able to be the best mum I can be at the same time. For me it just isn't on the cards and maybe he feels the same way? If it's important to you thought, I don't understand why it hasn't come up earlier?

I'd now give him a while to think about it. Have your holiday in August and see how it goes once you are together all the time. Then talk again after that. If you really want more commitment (and you have every right to want that) and he doesn't yet want to give that after thinking about it for a few months, then sadly it may well be time to move on.

But it may be just that he genuinely hadn't considered it at all, and will now do so, and you can discuss his trajectory for more commitment and whether it matches yours. He may not have realised that you wanted more until you said so. A lot of men don't think ahead or build dream castles about future family life the way women are conditioned to do.

I've told my boyfriend that I won't live with any man until at least my kids have either left home or are adult and even then I'm not sure. However, I'm completely in love with him and plan to spend the rest of my life with him.

I just want my kids to have a home where they can relax, walk around without having to worry about covering up etc. As nice as he is (and the kids like him) I want my kids to have a haven. Plus when you don't live together, the relationship stays fresher and less likely to take each other for granted or be annoyed by them not pulling their weight etc.

After 18 months, that that would be a big "Uh-Oh" for me.
You are not overthinking.