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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable?

18 replies

Moshiii · 15/06/2021 11:20

I’m 24 years old. I have 2 kids (1) & (3) and currently pregnant- due in 3 months. My partner (25) plays games 24/7 with his friends.- wakes up and turns the console on and is on it till he eventually falls asleep at night. Spends zero time with us. I do everything alone for the kids. If he isn’t playing games he’s constantly glued to his phone messaging his friends and if he’s not doing that then he’s out with them. I haven’t been out in a very long time. He goes to the pub every weekend. He will drop the plans we have for his friends. The kids ask to play games or go park and he says he’s playing with friends and it’s his time. I try to plan things as a family and he says last minute his friends have invited him out and he can’t let them down. He now plays football with his friends every week but it upsets me that he can’t take the kids to the park and play football with them. He gets annoyed when I try tell him how I feel. I struggle to go out on my own with 2 children especially as my 1 year old constantly wants to be held. I tell him I feel left out and it’s not fair that he’s out so much while I’m in doors 24/7 and he says I will never meet his friends & I’m selfish, controlling & toxic when I don’t actually have a problem with him going out but he gets excited to go out with friends but plans nothing as a family or for just the 2 of us. When I said to him he shouldn’t be cancelling our plans for his friends he also says ‘there are single mums out there doing it alone so I’m sure you can’. Why is it fair he gets to go out when he pleases and I don’t? I haven’t been out on my own since I had my first child. I have been feeling so down and had no support. I feel he takes advantage of me when I am pregnant and sees it as he can do what he wants. Any advice guys?

OP posts:
Twilow · 15/06/2021 11:21

Leave him. That's my advice.

Justcallmebebes · 15/06/2021 11:29

When I said to him he shouldn’t be cancelling our plans for his friends he also says ‘there are single mums out there doing it alone so I’m sure you can’

He's right, you can and should as he is bringing absolutely nothing to the table as far as I can see. Does he work?

Do you want to stay with him?

Mabelene · 15/06/2021 11:30

Yep, you may as well be on your own

Umberellatheweatha · 15/06/2021 11:32

How far along is this pregnancy?
I mean...you're struggling with two as is.

Either way though, get yourself out of there. Before the new baby arrives and you'll be too tired to go.

He is nasty and has zero respect for you and children shouldn't grow up in an environment where their mother is treated like shit.

He sounds like he may be abusive. But at best he is a lazy, nasty shit and a bad father who thinks caring for kids is womens work. A misogynist.

What do you need to do to get away from him? Start taking practical steps. Citizens advise and womens aid might be useful to talk to. Ad would the jobseekers place about what you would be entitled to when out (Which is quite a decent amount with two or three kids btw).

CrazyCatsAndKittens · 15/06/2021 11:37

He won't get any better. Whatever you do, don't have any more kids with him. I don't know what you can do though. Struggle through the next few years and hope for the best?

FatCatThinCat · 15/06/2021 11:37

He does what he does as he cares about spending time with his mates, online or in person. He doesn't care about spending time with you or his children. You'd be better off as a single parent without this millstone round your neck.

missmopple · 15/06/2021 11:40

How far along is this pregnancy?

@Umberellatheweatha it is literally less than 20 words in to the OP

currently pregnant- due in 3 months

PurpleBiro21 · 15/06/2021 11:41

He is not interested in being a family man and quite frankly should have waited before planning children - what did he expect?

I bet you do all the housework as well.

My advice is you’ll be happier doing it alone as you won’t be resentful with whatever he is doing (or not). It will be hard but at least you will be in full control.

Umberellatheweatha · 15/06/2021 11:49

@missmopple

How far along is this pregnancy?

@Umberellatheweatha it is literally less than 20 words in to the OP

currently pregnant- due in 3 months

My bad.
Gilda152 · 15/06/2021 11:53

He's an absolute joke.

Smallredclip · 15/06/2021 11:56

What is he for? I mean, what purpose does he serve in your life?

Weedoogie · 15/06/2021 12:00

@twillow, the first comment, says all that needs to be said

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 15/06/2021 12:01

You leave him. You build a better life for you and your children without him. He is a waste of space and that isn’t going to change. He isn’t interested because he’s a selfish twat. Your kids don’t need to grow up with a dad who ignores them.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 15/06/2021 12:03

You would be better on your own.

Honestly, do you not believe you and your children are worth more than this?

Would you want your DC to grow up emulating his behaviour and be a lazy, game-obsessed man-child? Because that's what will happen if you continue to live with him.

Send him on his way and enjoy the freedom you have from not having to factor him into your plans and being continually let down.

NinaBernina · 15/06/2021 12:11

this guy sounds like a right catch! how does he actually enhance your life? what does he contribute?
I know it seems impossible but you can leave and build a better life for your children - they don't deserve to grow up in an environment so toxic.
You can seek help from the CAB or women's aid, they can help you apply for benefits and housing and get you on your feet on your own - you're already doing most of the work by the sounds of it - why look after a man child as well?
Don't spend the next 18 years wishing you'd done it

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/06/2021 12:16

Did he want three children?

Why doesn’t he work?

It’s amazing you’ve managed to pin him down to conceive three times.

He’s pathetic, useless, lazy, selfish. It’s a wonder you’ve stayed with him so long.

What advice are you after? He won’t change. You’ve repeatedly made your life harder by having more children and the work and cost that brings when he was obviously like this with your first and presumably before that.

You should leave him. You won’t get any child support as he doesn’t seem to work but you already knew that. You’ll get universal credit to support yourself and you won’t be disappointed by how useless he is because you’ll stop expecting him to step up.

You need to take some responsibility for finding yourself here. Choose a relationship with such a deadbeat and give your kids a disinterested dad and life will be difficult.

Unanananana · 15/06/2021 15:48

@AnneLovesGilbert

Did he want three children?

Why doesn’t he work?

It’s amazing you’ve managed to pin him down to conceive three times.

He’s pathetic, useless, lazy, selfish. It’s a wonder you’ve stayed with him so long.

What advice are you after? He won’t change. You’ve repeatedly made your life harder by having more children and the work and cost that brings when he was obviously like this with your first and presumably before that.

You should leave him. You won’t get any child support as he doesn’t seem to work but you already knew that. You’ll get universal credit to support yourself and you won’t be disappointed by how useless he is because you’ll stop expecting him to step up.

You need to take some responsibility for finding yourself here. Choose a relationship with such a deadbeat and give your kids a disinterested dad and life will be difficult.

This exactly. What on earth possessed you to have THREE children with this deadbeat?

How is he attractive? Doesn't work, plays games all day, neglects you and his children? What does he contribute?

He'd have be on the Fuck Off Train to Singleville two kids ago if that was me! You are worth more! Pick up your self respect!

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 15/06/2021 20:58

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