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Original poster

Was I being controlling?

53 replies

AmIControlling · 15/06/2021 09:45

DS is unwell today , meant to go to nursery but they wouldn't take him. DH said he would call into work and say he couldn't go in, I have an important meeting today for two hours this morning remotely but could watch DS for the rest of the day as my other work can be completed this evening or can be easily rearranged. So this is what I suggested. We live around a mile from his office.
To complicate things further we work in the same industry but I am more senior, his manager is my level. He is in a senior practioner role so he needs to be in the office for his appointments this afternoon (6). Apparently me suggesting this compromise is controlling, he just wants to take the whole day off because I'm so busy. My feeling is he just wants the day off work, he has a heavy caseload. We've not long gone back after annual leave. So am I being controlling?

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIControlling · 15/06/2021 13:26

@Bufferingkisses I agree, I was in this field long before he was and have worked hard to get to where I am and I'm passionate about the work. He's completed additional professional qualifications etc but is regularly negative about the work, which isn't without it's challenges, but I don't want to hear it all the time. I've said many a time I don't care what he does for work and have actively encouraged him to look in other areas but he doesn't.

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 15/06/2021 13:32

@AmIControlling

I'm afraid I'd be telling my H that the next time he tries to pull a 'sickie' because he fancies a day off work, I'll be telling anyone who asks, including my manager, the bloody truth !

He's putting you in an impossible situation and expecting you to cover for him !

Who would be responsible for dealing with his absences when he 'triggers' ?

If it would be you, or he would be expecting you to lie for him in that situation, then he's actually putting both your career and your marriage at risk, isn't he ? For a sickie ? Hmm

I'd be pointing this out to him, and telling him the time had come for him to move jobs asap !

Original poster
AmIControlling · 15/06/2021 13:51

I don't line manage him so it would be his manager who would have to put him into process, but incredibly awkward for me.

OP posts:
Bufferingkisses · 15/06/2021 14:52

Honestly, it sounds like this situation has thrown into light some other, more difficult to resolve, issues.

saraclara · 15/06/2021 15:01

I think one of you needs to move to a different company. You're his wife, not his boss. You'd have had absolutely no involvement nor opinion on the affect of his childcare decision on his work, if you didn't work at the same place and your work roles intertwined.

It's absolutely unhealthy for you to talk to him like his boss and not his spouse when it comes to domestic decisions. For goodness sake, one of you needs to apply somewhere else.

Bluntness100 · 15/06/2021 15:05

I have to agree, you’re dealing with him like a manager not a spouse, and you’re putting your work first. The two of you need to find a better way to manage this.becayse this can’t go on.

If he wants to pull a sickie out whinge quite frankly he should be able to. But you don’t react to it like a partner, you react to it like your his boss.

Original poster
AmIControlling · 15/06/2021 15:18

He doesn't consider the impact of his choices on me, expects me to lie to protect him risking my own professional reputation, he came into my organisation moans about it and won't leave, he is using our son as an excuse not to work and then when challenged leaves everything to me. I am professionally accountable for his performance. I agree someone needs to look for other work but given her claims to hate it so much and I don't, why should it be me?

I also don't find someone who is avoidant and lazy very appealing as a partner wherever they work. But acknowledge I must be completely unreasonable for wanting my husband to go to work and not let down the very vulnerable people he works with, not put me in a professionally difficult situation, and not lie about my capacity for childcare to my colleague. I've actually managed to have a fairly productive day today and there's nothing i can't finish tonight. So what I'm actually realising is what is he adding to my life?

OP posts:
Bufferingkisses · 15/06/2021 15:39

A very good question based on what you've put here Flowers

saraclara · 15/06/2021 15:45

I am professionally accountable for his performance.

How is your company allowing this to be the case? This is terrible employee management. Surely HR should be avoiding this kind of situation

PineappleMojito · 15/06/2021 15:49

You two clearly need to not work in the same place. Like, that’s all I can say really.

Original poster
AmIControlling · 15/06/2021 16:01

@saraclara I don't directly line manage him but I am responsible for the overall performance of the team on all performance measures, some of which would have been impacted if he hadn't gone in today. His role is in short supply so they thought giving him a different line manager would be fine....

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/06/2021 19:56

OP,

YANBU

He sounds like a stroppy teenager.

I think it is time to look at separating your professional lives.

I wouldn't trust him not to deliberately embarrass you.

He sounds extremely unprofessional and unsuited to a role where clients depend on him.

Protect your career first, it sounds like you may need it more than him.

Flowers
LuvMyBubbles · 17/06/2021 11:26

I think you need to really think about any future you may have. He is lazy and selfish.

QueenBee52 · 18/06/2021 04:25

No OP you were not being Controlling.

Frannibananni · 18/06/2021 05:14

Offering what you think is a compromise isn’t controlling but enforcing your idea is controlling

Polkadots2021 · 18/06/2021 06:24

[quote AmIControlling]@Brabrabra11 so what should I have said to his manager who offered to cover my work this afternoon so he could fulfill his clinical appointments? And what should I say at the next performance meeting when I am asked why timescales were not met for the people he is due to see today? If we didn't work together I'd think he was lazy but wouldn't really care, but him pulling unnecessary sickies does impact on me professionally[/quote]
OP I think this makes for a miserable relationship. Are you two actually happy together? It seems to have moved from a loving partnership to a depressing Office style 'who moved my stapler' dynamic. It's no-ones fault & noone is in the wrong as such in your current scenario, it just doesn't seem to have the makings of a happy romantic relationship anymore.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/06/2021 06:31

@AmIControlling

It's challenging because I am responsible for the overall performance of the team he is part of, so when his clients haven't been seen it's me who has to justify it. Also I'm not lying so he can pull another sickie
This would never happen here, we have ethics about conflicts of interest. Never have a wife or husband managing their wife or husband.

I think it’s sexist that his manager is asking you to take the time off for your sick DS....tbh

I don’t think you’re controlling though, just caving in to societal and work pressures to be the little wifey at home with the sick kid.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/06/2021 06:33

@Frannibananni

Offering what you think is a compromise isn’t controlling but enforcing your idea is controlling
Exactly this^. And to add, sulking or silent treatment if you don’t get your way also isn’t controlling but is coercive. You don’t want to be either.
PlanDeRaccordement · 18/06/2021 06:36

@AmIControlling

He doesn't consider the impact of his choices on me, expects me to lie to protect him risking my own professional reputation, he came into my organisation moans about it and won't leave, he is using our son as an excuse not to work and then when challenged leaves everything to me. I am professionally accountable for his performance. I agree someone needs to look for other work but given her claims to hate it so much and I don't, why should it be me?

I also don't find someone who is avoidant and lazy very appealing as a partner wherever they work. But acknowledge I must be completely unreasonable for wanting my husband to go to work and not let down the very vulnerable people he works with, not put me in a professionally difficult situation, and not lie about my capacity for childcare to my colleague. I've actually managed to have a fairly productive day today and there's nothing i can't finish tonight. So what I'm actually realising is what is he adding to my life?

Didn’t you say that this would only be his 2nd day off work this year? And that 3 days off in a 12 month period is your business’ limit?

In which case I think your company/business is too harsh because taking your 2nd day off work halfway through the year for a sick child is hardly “lazy” and “using our son as an excuse not to work”.

Melitza · 18/06/2021 06:37

Unfortunately your dp has a different work ethic to you.
He's also willing to put you in a difficult situation at work.
I couldn't live with someone who detrimentally affected my work environment.
I assume he worked in your team before ds was born.
He's accusing you of being controlling because the truth is that he is not a team player at your work or in the relationship.
Is he jealous that you are senior?

I'd honestly have the ick with him.

Melitza · 18/06/2021 06:41

*@PlanDeRaccordement
Didn’t you say that this would only be his 2nd day off work this year? And that 3 days off in a 12 month period is your business’ limit?

In which case I think your company/business is too harsh because taking your 2nd day off work halfway through the year for a sick child is hardly “lazy” and “using our son as an excuse not to work”.*

But he didn't need to take the time off.
And the dc could easily get sick again in the next 6 months which would mean a day off.

Immunetypegoblin · 18/06/2021 06:47

He stropped off to work because he knows you think he's lazy and he's probably cross because he knows you're at least partly right. This doesn't sound like a good situation for your family.

Is he lazy in other areas of life too?

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/06/2021 06:47

@Melitza

Some one has to take time off. Why it should be OP and not the DH? Oh, because he’s the man with the “critical job”.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/06/2021 06:49

I’m so glad I’m not in U.K. where having 2nd day off work halfway through year is considered “lazy”! That is workaholism in my opinion.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/06/2021 06:52

I work in the NHS no way could I just cancel an afternoon clinic if offered a solution.
It sounds like he wants to skip off work.
Id be pissed off with that as I have work ethic.
Makes for an awkward marriage by the sounds of it.