Relationship not progressing, advice pls?

[Polomintee]

I've been with my partner for three years. We live 1.5 hours drive from each other, so spend a day and night a week together, usually taking turns on who visits.

We both have kids at school (early teens).
Me moving isn't practical, but he could potentially move my way as he has his kids every weekend, there is a spare room at my house which could be their bedroom to come and stay each week and any other time they want (they currently share when they stay in his rented house). He works from home, so could easily do so at my house.

From my perspective, to make steps to live together would be what I'd love, as I want to be with him. I hoped he may feel the same, he has mentioned living together in the past. Would also be cheaper for everyone etc.

However, on recent discussion he doesnt seem very interested in changing the current set-up. So in confusion I've also asked him whether he still wants to be in a relationship with me, which got a very positive 'yes' - I put no pressure, I'd rather be single than with someone not interested!

In many ways he's very 'close' to me - daily calls, emails etc and we have fun together when we see each other. But if he doesnt want to live together by now, I think he's made the limitations on the relationship clear, he's not likely to want to live together ever having known me this long?

maybe he just see's the relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend and is happy with that.

Maybe he doesn't want to move that far away from his kids.

It would be a big chunk out of their weekends each time spent driving and would probably put them off. Plus they wouldn't be able to see their friends etc at the weekends, so they'd miss out or end up skipping seeing their dad.

Could you ask him to give you some sort of timescale? but I must say, if he seems unenthusiastic about taking about it then it means it not what he wants now, three years is enough time to know if he ever wants to, if he can't give you an answer then decide if you still want to be with him without living together.

Relationships dont have to end in you living together.

I think you're expecting him to upheave his life to suit your life.
Was there any discussion about whether you could both move 45mins closer and then live together?
Does he want to live together in the future?

Why do you want to live with him?

I have no plans to ever live with my boyfriend, we've been together nearly 2 years and are both on the same page about not living together.
Living Apart Together is becoming more and more common especially in those who have been married or in long term relationships before.

I think you need a chat with your partner to discuss the future and if you want to live together and he never does then you will have to walk away.

I can understand why he doesn’t want to move 1.5hr from his kids whilst they are young.

I mean, my ex moved about 2 hours away from me and the kids, and it hasn't exactly been great for them. It's a long old drag to his place on his weekends and sometimes they have chosen not to go because they've been at school all week and they want to have an actual weekend, not have it all chopped up with long drives.

I'm not sure you're looking at it from his kids' perspective - Dad buggers off miles & miles to live with his new family? It's not the greatest message.

Sorry I didn't mention...his kids live with his ex wife and are an hour from my house and half an hour from his house. So although the journey would be longer than currently, it's not a big difference.

@seensome I've tried discussing timescale with him (in a non pressured way) and also asked whether he would prefer to make no plans to live together. He avoids the question tbh, when I mentioned friends who still live apart after ten years, he just said 'that's a long time'.

Like I say though, he's mentioned living together at times in the past, also marriage, but nothing has changed in 3 years other than us being closer emotionally and we are happy together.

@SortingItOut I'd like to live with him as I miss him when we are apart.

At their Dads house it's their home, at your house, it's your home. As his kids get older they will possibly want their Dad to nip them round to a local friends house, and go out to the cinema or such. If he's got to travel 1.5hrs there, and 1.5hrs back that's 3 hrs out of his day travelling... It'll be the same with your kids.
Living together with teenagers can be a steep learning curve especially when they're not your kids. You'll have different parenting styles, and they may not get on all under the same roof. Just because adults choose to go into relationships, it doesn't mean the kids want to, they often have no choice. Plus if he and his ex need to do things with their kids at anytime it's not all local. If you've managed 3yrs, another 2-3 won't hurt. Plus there's all the financial side and birthdays/Christmas etc. It can be an absolute minefield.

Maybe he doesn’t want to live full time with someone else’s kids?

Or maybe he’s just not that into you.

You’re letting him get his fix of you at a distance. Stop the daily calls and texts. Let him feel the distance. Let him wonder what you’re doing sometimes when you’re not together. If he wants to live separately, actually live separately and see how he likes that.

Right now, he has you on a string. Naturally he’s not looking to close the gap because there isn’t much of a gap.

At the weekend, teens want to see their mates and are old enough to say no about a visit, so him moving that far away, means he's not going to see his kids much as they won't be keen.
Given your yearning to have a live-in relationship, how did you think at the beginning it could work with someone who has kids and lives so far away?
Your choice is between keeping it as it is, or moving on.

@GertietheGherkin that makes sense, thanks. I guess my confusion has come from him mentioning, even suggesting, living together in the past. But maybe he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. His actions since I started talking about it have not been looking like he wants to move.

Maybe when he suggested it, it was in an early high energy stage of the relationship? And as you've settled into a routine, he sees the practical difficulties more and is content as is and not rocking the boat?Blending families is hard.

Really you need to have an honest open conversation about the future. Does he see you moving in together eventually, say when the kids are adults, or is it not on the cards at all. Would you be happy continuing as you are for however long (taking the risk it's a never really) or is it a dealbreaker?

@category12 I guess I just need to have a conversation where he tells me honestly what he would like and then I can decide whether it works for me too. My guess is that he doesn't want to change anything, but he's reluctant to be too blunt about it as he thinks I may walk away without the prospect of us getting more time together.

I'd like to live with him as I miss him when we are apart

Is this your only reason?
I missmy boyfriend when we're apart but I still don't want to live with him.

I agree with category12 that he may have been caught up in the excitement of first dating when he said it before but now the reality has kicked in and he knows it wouldn't work for whatever reason.

I hope you are able to chat to him about this and get the issue resolved.