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Original poster

Asked out an old friend - radio silence

26 replies

Lockheart · 14/06/2021 15:42

I have a friend who I've known for upwards of 20 years, since we were young. We're not besties or anything like that, it's the kind of friendship where we stay in touch fairly regularly and meet up twice a year ish for a catch up.

There is a little history in that we slept together once, many many years ago (ah impetuous youth!) and the idea of going on a date was hinted at near the end of last year, after both of our long term relationships had gone south a couple of months previously. Unfortunately the tier restrictions were brought in very soon after and it never happened. So I hope my asking wouldn't have come totally out of the blue, is my point.

This weekend I sent a message asking if he thought it might work if we dated.

He didn't open it for 48 hours, and now he has read it officially but hasn't replied. I feel like WhatsApp is taking me right back to my MSN Messenger days of watching someone's status obsessively to see if they're online!

It's clearly a 'no', which is a bit disappointing but that's ok, nothing ventured nothing gained and all that.

But I do feel a bit put out that he couldn't even reply! I'm not that intimidating Grin

OP posts:
MissDoomAndGloom · 14/06/2021 15:55

Hi @Lockheart, had you been speaking on the build-up of asking him out? what was the conversation like?

At least you bit the bullet and asked! No harm in trying, the decent thing he could have done is replied to you though.

Don't let this knock you, onwards and upwards. Flowers

denverRegina · 14/06/2021 15:58

Whatever you do make sure you don't go there now!

When he comes trying to get an easy shag, make it a firm no

Yellowhighheels · 14/06/2021 15:59

If he's an old.friend, I'm sure he won't leave it at nothing. He's probably mulling over how to reply, and if it's a 'thanks but no thanks', how to say so painlessly (not that it definitely is a no). Either way, you took a risk, good for you!!

seensome · 14/06/2021 16:01

So you know it's a no, you would prefer him to actually say no or met someone else? He probably thinks it's the kinder way out to stay silent.

Pewpew · 14/06/2021 16:05

Good for you, biting the bullet! Perhaps hes thinking about it. Flowers

5475878237NC · 14/06/2021 16:06

He's probably thinking about what to say...I would think he wouldn't want you to be a rebound given your friendship and he's not long single really is he?

Original poster
Lockheart · 14/06/2021 16:13

Yes we had been speaking before, we were discussing when we would both next be in our home town so we could go for a walk or a coffee (we don't live ridiculously far apart at the moment, it's just we tend to see each other when we're both visiting 'home' (parents) or if he comes into town).

I doubt he'd think it's the kind option to stay quiet, we're both intelligent adults (I think!) so I'm sure he'd know saying nothing is just as clear a no as an actual no, plus a little rude to boot.

Like I say it's a bit disappointing but no cause for any wailing or buckets of ice cream or any other amateur dramatics, I'll be fine! When we were chatting last year it turned out we had very similar goals and aims in life so I think it could possibly have worked, but nevermind. Who knows, I could be completely wrong on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lockheart · 14/06/2021 16:14

@5475878237NC

He's probably thinking about what to say...I would think he wouldn't want you to be a rebound given your friendship and he's not long single really is he?
Both of our relationships went under around the same time last year, so at this point we've both been single about 8-9 months?
OP posts:
premium77 · 14/06/2021 17:33

Are you sure he’s not dating someone new?

Original poster
Lockheart · 14/06/2021 17:37

@premium77

Are you sure he’s not dating someone new?
We've both been on Tinder etc (and complaining to each other how awful it is) and although we've both had dates with other people as far as I'm aware he's not met anyone that has stuck. But of course it is possible he's met someone very recently that he likes a lot.
OP posts:
5475878237NC · 14/06/2021 17:50

Everyone is different and when you said a LTR I assumed many many years with someone. Personally I wasn't ready to really invest for years afterwards and only casually dated.

He may be dating to boost his confidence, pass the time, want sex etc...and not actually be ready for a relationship hence not wanting to date you because you matter! Obviously yes he could just not be interested in you or have met someone else...but just wanted to point out that just because it doesn't happen now doesn't necessarily mean it won't when the time is right!

happytoday73 · 14/06/2021 17:55

I'd be tempted to reply... "well I will take that as a no then...obviously wouldn't gave worked if you don't feel can reply to me... Good luck"

Original poster
Lockheart · 14/06/2021 18:20

Yes it's entirely possible he doesn't want to date now, or he wants to play the field, or he's met someone, or a myriad of other possibilities. But I'd still appreciate a definite response being honest!

RE any follow up messages, I'd prefer to maintain a dignified silence, especially since I did say if it was a no then I would never bring it up again, so I'm going to stick to it. I'm not really one for mud slinging / getting into arguments unnecessarily or passive aggressive texts.

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/06/2021 18:32

@happytoday73

I'd be tempted to reply... "well I will take that as a no then...obviously wouldn't gave worked if you don't feel can reply to me... Good luck"
That sounds like a good way to end the friendship!

I might reply “I’ll take that as a no then Grin - let’s never speak of this again!!” just to break the ice, so that if he’s wondering how to put it politely you let him know he doesn’t need to as you’re not heartbroken about it. Dignified silence is all well and good, but how long do you leave it?!

Sn0tnose · 14/06/2021 18:41

I think MarkRuffaloCrumble has it right. The laugh emoji makes it clear that you won’t be sobbing into your cocoa but doesn’t tell him to poke his friendship.

Divebar2021 · 14/06/2021 18:46

I agree with the above… something lighthearted which clearly indicates you’re not flouncing and you’re not binning him off as a friend.

Original poster
Lockheart · 14/06/2021 18:47

Perhaps a lighthearted message might be the way to go if I haven't heard anything in a couple of days :)

OP posts:
Doitorwait · 14/06/2021 19:07

He might be deciding if to take you up on your offer, weighing up if its a good idea or if the friendship is just that. I wouldn't say this guy is interested in you enough.

Jigglywobbly · 14/06/2021 20:00

That’s why it’s better to let a guy ask you out ( shoot me down but it’s true!) it’s too much angst like this. If you guys were talking about how crap tinder was, if he really liked you he could have suggested you two date then?
It sounds like you’re not going to be too upset by this but it’s never nice to be rejected and that’s why I never asked guys out ( appreciate not nice for the man either but hey I’m a woman and look out for my side !)

tinseloatcake · 14/06/2021 20:06

Ah man, I feel for you. Putting yourself out there. Well-done for being all grown up about it if it is a no, or you never find out - it is hard as you will have invested a bit in deciding you would have liked to try dating.

crimsonlake · 14/06/2021 20:13

I would not message to follow it up, his silence is your answer.

Horizons83 · 15/06/2021 09:13

Not to give you false hope OP, but I was once brave enough to send a similar message to a friend. After about a day I received a very kind and thoughtful response along the lines of 'thanks but no thanks, but I hope this doesn't change our friendship, which I very much value.'

The 'friend' is currently sitting downstairs looking after our 18 month old daughter!

Original poster
Lockheart · 15/06/2021 11:50

That's a lovely story @Horizons83 :) I'm glad it worked out for you!

Not getting my hopes up here, story of my life to be honest! Grin

@Jigglywobbly I think if I waited for any man to ask me out I'd be waiting a very very long time. I'd rather not play any games and just ask someone out myself.

OP posts:
valadon68 · 15/06/2021 13:46

It's very unkind of him not to respond, OP! Surely that's a turn off. I'd let him make the next move, messaging wise, and take a step back.

Original poster
Lockheart · 15/06/2021 13:54

@valadon68

It's very unkind of him not to respond, OP! Surely that's a turn off. I'd let him make the next move, messaging wise, and take a step back.
Yes, to be honest I'm feeling more down about the fact he hasn't replied than the fact he's obviously not interested.

It's not obligatory to date me (goes without saying!) but surely you'd have enough respect for a friend that you could give them a straight answer.

OP posts: