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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anger issues or just life (men?)

24 replies

mermaid99 · 14/06/2021 15:11

Together 27 years with teens. Had an incident over the weekend where DS turned the hose on and accidently left it on for some time (hour or 2). DH came home from work and went mental (I wasn't here). Understandable to be upset by wasted water but his response was to stab holes in the blow up paddling pool (not involved in hose-gate but to him a representation of wasted water) and when I got home to continue to tell me what had happened, what he had done, and if I brought another pool he would leave me (out of the blue - I hadn't said I was going to buy another one). I told him is anger at the wasted water was fine but the following anger and actions were not. He calmed down a few hours later. This is just an example of his behaviour. Of course it isn't all the time - if it was I wouldn't be here, but it is more than I think is normal. Maybe something like this happens maybe 6 times a year (over time some years it would be more some less) Is this normal? I know everyone loses it sometimes. I had boyfriends before we were together but honestly this is the only real adult relationship I have had other than very short lived ones of just a couple of months. It has been interspersed throughout our relationship - sometimes throwing things across a room, storming out of the house and coming back the next day. He has had several falling outs with friends over the years, even arguments with strangers on the odd occasion. I am not a timid person but in the past have just bit my tongue and said nothing. There have been some other issues I am confronting now also and so I am much more vocal that I have been before when things happen (but very calm - as is my nature). He will say I am totally overreacting. I am exhausted by it and it is not the way I want my life to be even if it is not that often.

OP posts:
winniemum · 15/06/2021 12:54

No it isn’t normal. Just left my DH for the same sort of behaviour.
Not sure what to advise as they don’t change but having left my DH I’m more miserable than I’ve ever been.

mermaid99 · 15/06/2021 15:13

@winniemum I hope you are okay. I am sure even if you know it is for the best that it will be difficult in the start. How long were you together?

OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 15/06/2021 15:17

Omg that sounds scary. Stabbing anything is totally OTT and threatening to leave you for something that was nothing to do with you is outrageous.
Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2021 15:21

You need to plan your exit from this relationship. This is normal for what happens in an abusive relationship. The nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.

What you're describing here throughout and particularly in this part of your post is domestic violence:-
"It has been interspersed throughout our relationship - sometimes throwing things across a room, storming out of the house and coming back the next day. He has had several falling outs with friends over the years, even arguments with strangers on the odd occasion. I am not a timid person but in the past have just bit my tongue and said nothing."

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He will not change and challenging him as you are doing now will have no effect either. Men like described like supposedly strong women (but with little self worth and too low boundaries) as they see them as a further challenge to bring down to their base level.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2021 15:26

This man stabbed holes in a paddling pool!.

You should not be with him at all. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you rightfully call him out on his unreasonable behaviour.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you yourself see similar as a child?.

Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were no-one would want to be with them. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he is showing you and in turn your kids here is a continuous one.

If you are truly sincere about not wanting your life (and in turn that of your kids) to be like this firm up plans over time to leave this man. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

funnylittlefloozie · 15/06/2021 15:34

"I'M over reacting? YOU stabbed a paddling pool!"

Personally I could not live with someone like this, who over-reacts so violently. I would always be on edge, wondering if it would be me he stabbed next time.

Roblox01 · 15/06/2021 15:43

Sounds like my Dad. Would it be fair to assume he blows of steam and then can be perfectly fine, not realising how damaging it is for you and the kids?

27 years in he's not going to change. You could suggest therapy or something

fallfallfall · 15/06/2021 15:47

My dh has intermittent explosive disorder.
Thankfully never physical but it takes a toll on everyone.
Counselling and communication is all I can suggest.

Fyredraca · 15/06/2021 15:52

I would have gone straight out and bought another paddling pool.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2021 15:57

Your husband sounds terrifying and there is no way I could ever put up with this kind of behaviour. I've been married 25 years and my husband has never behaved this way, I wouldn't tolerate it. Going mental over some water left on outside is just unhinged.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2021 15:57

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

MustardRose · 15/06/2021 16:00

Keep talking OP.

You've got a whole lot more you need to get off your chest, haven't you?

dreamingbohemian · 15/06/2021 16:04

6 times a year is a lot, and also to the extent of stabbing things, throwing things, falling out with friends -- this is not a normal level of occasional anger. And it must be so upsetting for your kids. I think you should seriously think about leaving him.

Also what I have seen in my own family is men like this just get worse and worse as they get older. So not only is he not going to change, he will probably get worse.

Skyla2005 · 15/06/2021 16:54

Buy the new pool and pack his bags for him

mermaid99 · 15/06/2021 17:24

@Fyredraca @Skyla2005 - I have ordered a new pool (and a better one!)
@Roblox01n yes once he has calmed down it's like nothing has happened for him and we are left with the fall out

@AttilaTheMeerkat @Aquamarine1029 I'm am disgusted by his behaviour but do not feel threated - nobody witnessed the attack on the pool and he told me about it or I wouldn't have known. I'm in counselling (alone) to work through very complicated feelings about him/our relationship.

@MustardRose - yes there are other things not great in our relationship - I have been very clear what needs to be different and he has been doing it - but only for a few months and to be honest I don't really believe he can sustain it but I agreed to give him the chance to prove himself as an equal adult partner.

OP posts:
Colourmeclear · 15/06/2021 18:20

I held my breath when I got to 6 times a year! It's interesting that he decided to destroy something that presumably your children quite enjoy. That kind of 'punishment' mentality and use of aggression is incredibly toxic and the line in his head between acceptable level of violence and the target of my violence will likely get worse.

AmberIsACertainty · 15/06/2021 18:27

but his response was to stab holes in the blow up paddling pool

What. The. Hell. Shock

"everyone loses it sometimes"

Not like that they don't.

billy1966 · 15/06/2021 18:28

Your poor children.

He is a headcase.

6 times a year.

I suggest you speak to both your children privately, individually, and ask them how they honestly feel about their angry father.

Undoubtedly they will be damaged by growing up in such a volatile house.

He sounds dreadful OP, quite crazed.

AmberIsACertainty · 15/06/2021 18:33

@winniemum

No it isn’t normal. Just left my DH for the same sort of behaviour. Not sure what to advise as they don’t change but having left my DH I’m more miserable than I’ve ever been.
You can fix your own life though. You could never have fixed him. Wishing you luck for building a peaceful home life.
Curatingchaos · 15/06/2021 18:44

Just please leave before it’s you being stabbed.
Or your children. Wishing you so much strength.
This is no way to live.

FlamingoYellow · 15/06/2021 18:46

My husband is like this too. It is difficult when they are so normal and lovely in between because it doesn't feel abusive. My husband and I are now separated because I didn't want my sons growing up thinking that this was a normal way to behave. I'm honestly so much happier on my own. Even though it wasn't all the time, I still was on high alert all the time in case the dcs or I did something to piss him off and now I don't ever have that worry. We were together 12 years.

winniemum · 15/06/2021 20:03

We’ve been married a very long time and your partner will never change. He can’t! Does your DH blame everyone else when he loses it?
Trust me it’s not good for the kids.

SarahDarah · 16/06/2021 17:25

@fallfallfall

My dh has intermittent explosive disorder. Thankfully never physical but it takes a toll on everyone. Counselling and communication is all I can suggest.
"Intermittent explosive disorder"(!) I think the term for that is "bad temper"...
SarahDarah · 16/06/2021 17:41

OP, how would.he react if roles were reversed and it was you carrying out his actions, including stabbing in anger an item he likes? You need to send him to anger management therapy, no ifs,no buts.

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