I don't know how to resolve this

[mylittlepudding]

I'd love to hear any suggestions on how to sort out probably an age old problem of trying to get my DP to give me some sort of a hand at night/in the morning with our 11 month old dd.

When she was smaller, she used to wake often for feeds but be relatively easy to settle afterwards, and he would sometimes get up with her to give me a night off. He has never got up in the mornings with her at all, saying it makes him just too tired.

Recently, her sleep is terrible, and he has started working permanent nights by choice, and says he is too tired when he is here to get up with the baby. To his credit, he will take her for a few hours in the day so I can have a rest. Actually, he is a good daytime-daddy.

I have stayed as a SAHM (wasn't really the plan) and accept that I need to do the bulk of the nighttime stuff, it is only fair. I am up from 3am for the day. Whenever he gives in and helps me out, either having a turn at settling her in the night, or getting up with her in the morning, he complains endlessly about how tired he is, how unwell it makes him feel. I am tired, frustrated, and angry, and I just can't see how to sort this out. I don't want to give in and just be a doormat, but it is ruining the little family time we have.

To complicate things, I have bipolar disorder, which my psychiatrist has explained to him is hugely dependent on sleep to stay in 'remission' as it were, and I am struggling, and also having funny absence episodes from sleep deprivation. I don't know how to save my relationship, and preserve my health.

Sorry for wittering. End of my tether I think. Thank you if you got this far.

aw, mylittlepudding, my sympathies

I think if it's going to impact that severely on your health than he simply must help. Yes, it's hard. It's hard for everyone - women aren't somehow magically immune to feeling like shit when very tired. He needs to Deal.

Am sure many other mners will be along shortly to point out that your dd is his child too, and lots of other helpful suggestions. I shall be watching and taking notes so I can get my own nest in order...

good luck

Is is possible to put DD to bed later so that she gets up a bit later than 3am? I do sympathise, DH has never got up to DS in the night and 20 months on, I have accepted that he just won't and tried to tackle the problem in other ways.

Can he not do a Friday or Saturday night and following morning for you, make a commitment to once a week? That's what my DH used to do, as he was working outside the home and I wasn't. That way he was free to have an afternoon nap and catch his sleep back up.

same as anorak - my DH always did Friday nights, I slept in the spare room from 7-7, and he did the whole night, but had 2 nights to catch up before back to work on Monday. THis worked wel for us

yup, we take turns on the weekend to get a lie in. and i'd definitely think about moving her sleep time later. so she gets up later. do everything you can to sort out her sleep. all of you getting enough is crucial.

Thank you for your replies. She goes to bed at 7ish - which seems late enough for this age to me? I have tried putting her to bed later, but she still wakes at a similar time.

He works nights at the weekend. And is out most evenings in the week, plus most days. Politics is his first love, really, not us - and the nights are nursing to earn us money.

He has kind of said he will help, but will not be happy or pleasant about it. I don't know which is worse?!

He needs to help 2 nights a week. Up to him to decide what nights they will be to fit in with his other stuff. I would point out to him that he will be a lot more tired if you end up having a breakdown from the bipolar. He sounds selfish tbh.

My DS is now 6 but when he was a baby sometimes DH just wouldn't hear him. But if he did he would help out too but it was mostly down to me. We would take turns at weekends to get up.

Why do you think her sleep has suddenly changed so much? You need to try and get that sorted for all of you and he needs to help you. Then in the long term that will benefit all of you and he can carry on with his life.

Sorry for you and really hope he can start to help. I just don't get it - when my dd was little and sleep deprivation was the norm I was working 3 days a week. It was a piece of piss being knackered at work compared to being knackered when I had to look after her. (And yes it was a demanding job). Why do blokes think they have the right to sleep just because they leave the house to go to work....

mylittlepudding - my sympathies - my dh was kind of the "i need my sleep more than you" statement, luckily we had pretty good sleepers (that wasn't a dig btw), so our arguments didn;t stem from the lack of sleep issue - more his lack of respect for me as a woman not just a mother and wife. After months of arguing, bickering and him disappearing down the pub cos he 'needed the space', i walked out for a few days and gave him a wake up call. If he wouldn't help me and therefore us then i would go it alone. He soon realised it was a partnership and that by helping he made both of our lives better, it was just making that first step he needed a shove up the arse to do.

dh was KING of!

A few suggestions;

Is there anyone who could help you out to give you a break during the day (good friends / relations)?

Given the circumstances you describe, permanent night shifts does not sound like a sensible choice for your DP.

No-one likes sleep deprivation and in my view you have to find a fair way of sharing it. As a SAHM I suppose its natural that you take a good proportion of the shifts, but given your health concerns it seems more logical to share the burden more evenly so that you get at least a few good nights sleep (this would be possible if DP did not work nights).

Maybe there is something you can do to improve DDs sleeping (no miracle answers I know, but there may be some ways to make things a little better).

My DS went through a very poor sleeping phase. We both work and both have to get up quite early so we dealt with the early wakings by bringing him into bed with us where he slept until a more reasonable hour. We then 'weaned' him back to his bed. It worked for us but I know some frown upon co-sleeping.

Good luck

My dd1 was very similar - so i sympathise a lot. The only way we solved it - until she was about 18 months when her sleep patterns altered naturally - was to not let her go to sleep until about 10ish then she slept until later. Otherwise i think we would have both gone insane.