What to do for the best....could you leave?

[MuthaHubbard]

Have been with h for nearly 15 years and unhappily married for the last 2. We have two dc.

Have tried to discuss with him the fact that I am very unhappy, we don't talk, communicate, have any intimacy and I have tried to rectify this for quite some time but after constant jokes and knockbacks I admit I gave up trying. I enter a room, he leaves and vice versa. I am so unhappy that I even told him that I was prepared to leave, even if that meant the kids staying with him. He stated that no-one had to leave and I should be happy that I wake up with the kids and they are happy and has since put his head back in the sand. This may be true, and it would break my heart to leave them, but I am just so very lonely and unhappy.

Wrongly I started getting close to a male friend. Obviously he provided everything I wasn't getting at home and we have, again wrongly, fallen in love with each other. We've talked and we are going to decide what to do for the best after xmas, if there is a 'best' in this situation. All I know is that I've never been in love like this before.

I know I've been incredibily selfish. But on the other hand the thought of hurting my kids breaks my heart. But yet again, a small part of me thinks that I should be allowed a little bit of happiness and I don't want them to think that the relationship I have with their dad, cold, unloving and unfeeling, is how an adult relationship should be. The last thing in the word I want is to hurt anyone, but I know that isn't realistic anymore.

Not sure what I'm asking really. I know that your responses may be harsh, fair play.

Ah yes, he could well be a long lost relative Annie! Is your STBXH also quite old fashioned in his way of thinking?

And it seems you are right on the other front as well. Majority of what he said he admitted it was in anger. In fact, he shocked me at lunchtime today in that he was extremely reasonable. We both accepted that we were both at fault and we'd let things get out of hand. We talked for over an hour (the longest chat we'd had in a very long time). He said he would like to sort things out as amicably as possible and behave as civil as we can. In fact, he is going to court tomorrow to get papers to see if we can sort the majority of the divorce out ourselves.

Only thing we really need to sort is living arrangements and access to the children. We both agreed that we both want to see them as much as possible and to start with we are going to remain together in the house, albeit sleeping in separate rooms.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and think we might actually get on better now we've both admitted that things are over between us.

Maybe this status quo won't last for long, but who knows.

Now what I am not looking forward to is telling the kids

Old fashioned? Sometimes I say to him, if he can't get with the 21st century can he at least try to live in the second half of the 20th? (The answer would appear to be no.)

Glad you've got things on a reasonable footing at the moment. I doubt there's such a thing as a pain-free divorce, but if you both keep sensible and put the children first it could be, shall we say, civilised. I wish you the best of luck, anyway.

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I know exactly what you mean Annie!! I wonder sometimes if he actually realises what centuary we are in!

Dior - I think that once he realised I wasn't heaping the blame onto him and that the more civil things were between us the better for the children sake, then things seemed to go ok. He'd also sought a little advice so realised what the realistic options are.

Fingers crossed and thanks for your support.

Well, I don't think the status quo is going to last for long.

He went to the courts today to pick up papers re doing our own divorce. We discussed yesterday that if we can remain civil then we may as well go down this route rather than solicitors charging us the earth for something we may well be able to sort ourselves.

Anyhooo....he asks me again today if I have someone waiting in the wings, to which I again reply no. He says 'well so and so at work has shagged 3 different women and he and his wife are still together so I can't see why if there's no-one else we can't try again for the sake of the kids'. He also says that he would feel pressured to be the one to leave, even though I'd said we would try our best to come to the best arrangement, maybe even him seeing them every evening at home and then us having alternate weekends. And we would certainly still be living together for sometime yet.

I said to him that even though I mentioned what was wrong several times in the past few years, nothing had changed.

I was so positive today as I thought we might have been able to sort this out fairly, but now I feel under pressure to leave. Maybe I should be the one that sees them everyday when I pick them up from school, and then when he comes in from work I leave? And we have alternate weekends? Does anyone do shared custody like this? Does it work?

What do you think of a mother who leaves her dc with their father, but sees them everyday? But having search MN, I see a few articles on how it affects dc more if the mother leaves than the father, plus all the attached stigma.

I don't want to hurt h and tell him that actually I do not love him anymore, but am thinking that maybe I am going to have to tell him. Maybe because I've been thinking about this for such a long time, I've sort of already moved on in my head.

He told me that if we split, he would never remarry or have another girlfriend. This made me feel bad.

But because I am the one instigating the split I feel guilty and want to do whatever is best and probably easiest for him and dc.

Do I need to give him more time to get his head around this?

To me, there is no going back and our relationship is over, but obviously our relationship with the children goes on for life.

Could you live long-term with an ex?

Sorry, so many questions and thoughts going round my head at the moment.

i left my ds with his father, for various reasons. i have my son from friday lunchtime until monday lunchtime, with the option of seeing him whenever i want during the week. i've done it this way because it really is the only way my ds can see his daddy, but it is nearly killing me.........

as for living long term with an ex......i lived under the same roof as exdp for two months and it was awful, but not helped by the fact that he started seeing someone else three weeks after i ended things (a mutual best friend of ours)

you know you have done the right thing in ending this relationship........i'd stick with the momentum you have now and work at making a 'clean' break if you can......i don't know you personally so it's hard to judge the situation, i am simply talking from personal experience

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Perfectionist OCD partner - I've been with my partner 4yrs we have a 3yr old. First year of parenting involved him nit picking my parenting (which has been hard to forgive) then We went into lockdown which was really hard as we lived in a flat and were on top of each other. We've moved now and are in a house and things are better, he has relaxed a bit but still has phases of obsessively cleaning and doing diy jobs perfectly with small jobs taking a very long time because he fusses so much. We dont interact much as soon as my daughters in bed so am I. Things are just ticking along. He only leaves the house 2 days a week to go to work and drop my daughter off at my mums otherwise he's always at home which I find stifling. I try and keep our contact to a minimum. I pay 50% of everything and have done throughout, even on Mat leave. Feel like I'm just staying for my daughter and also financially as not sure I could buy someone on my own. I'm holding out for family inheritance or winning the lottery. It's hard to keep going sometimes with things as they are but can't see a way out... is anyone else staying in their relationship for similar reasons?

You shouldn't settle in an unhappy relationship. You deserve better than that.
Moving on with someone new does not mean you have to lose your kids.
Do what feels right for you, be happy!

Zombie thread. @nextweekfriday i suggest you start a new one. This one is from 2008