Should I leave DH? Advice needed

[Mumof4DC]

So this will be a long one but really need some advice. 14 years ago when I was pregnant with DD3, I found some filthy messages on DH’s phone. He had been acting shiftily for a while hence why I checked it. I called the number and went crazy at the OW. I was 8 months pregnant with 2 DC aged 4 and 2 also working. After a lot of emotional conversations and soul searching I stupidly decided to let DH stay. Baby was due any day and I couldn’t see how I’d manage without him. Investigated what had actually happened as much as I could, it seemed from his phone records it had been ongoing for a few months, they had met through work. He only admitted to sleeping with her twice but was working away a lot at that time. He had also bought a stupid ornament from eBay which had never made its way to me or DC so I can only assume it went to her and that bugs me so much for some reason. He claims amnesia on that point. Anyway I put all kinds of rules in place, we got help with the kids as I was doing everything, he was open with his phone etc, he had no further contact with her and went to therapy. He seemed very different for a few years and we even had another DC, not planned but amazing. All these years later however I feel like I was an idiot to take him back. Our marriage was obviously never the same. I focussed on myself for a while, took up running, lost loads of weight, went out socialising a lot. He made a lot of effort to be different but I feel that he has reverted to type though recently. Not in that he is having another affair, I really don’t think he is, but he has lied about something financial and when I found out tried to downplay it and make out it was irrelevant (it wasn’t). When I mention the affair he acts annoyed like I now have no right to be cross anymore and says he can barely remember it, it was a stupid mistake and we’ve been through it all a million times. We have always argued about his family (they’re awful and I have never gotten on with them). That is still happening. I took some time out of work after DC4 and went back last year. I am loving being back. I am 44 and just feel that there has to be more to life than killing time with this man who is now not that nice to be around a lot of the time, has proven himself to be untrustworthy albeit a long time ago and still lies to me when he sees fit. Am I wrong here and am I having some kind of MLC or has the veil finally fallen from my eyes as it were? Btw he is a decent father as in he works hard and provides a lot but is very emotionally unavailable - the DC all come to me for everything and don’t have much time for him.

He's cheated. He's lied to you and still does. He's a poor father. Of course you should leave. You're young, you work, you're the main parent - why would you stay with this man? Start the ball rolling, you deserve better than this.

BTW he is a decent father as in he works hard and provides a lot but is very emotionally unavailable - the DC all come to me for everything and don't have much time for him

In what way is he a decent father?

You will get two types of answer here OP. Either you should stay and work it out or LTB. I am firmly in the LTB camp.

I just couldn't respect someone who had lied and cheated to my face.

It isn't even about the sex they had with someone else (I don't care too much about that) it's totally about me respecting and knowing that I do not deserve that and nor do I deserve to be in a relationship where I will never truly trust my partner again.

I can't live like that.

You don't have to forgive him any of it. At the time you did was was best for you to get through the end of your pregnancy and self preservation is a real thing.
You're now in a place where you can reflect and start taking action. It won't get any better, you will massively resent him and find yourself wishing he would do it again so you have a valid reason to leave.
Not being happy is reason enough.

Thank you so much everyone - it’s hard as we have been together 23 years this year and everything is so intertwined. He earns 2/3 times more than me too. You’re right though - really he’s not a good father as he has jeopardised the kids’ well-being too when he did what he did. He has childhood issues with a bipolar father, divorce and a weak mother who remarried to a man I find controlling and rude. I thought he would address some of these issues in therapy and MC, he did at the time and for a few years afterwards but I feel like he’s back to square one recently. I just don’t have the energy to deal with any of it anymore. Divorce would be great just for the fact that I wouldn’t have to see his family anymore! His real dad died just before the affair and that event got a lot of the blame for his actions at the time, sorry to drip feed.

I think sometimes in relationships all these little weights (and some big ones) get put on one side of the scale and eventually the smallest thing tips the balance and we realise we just can't do it anymore and we need to clear all that weight by leaving, if it was going to get lighter it would have by now.

My emotionally unavailable father caused me a significant amount of pain as a child. He was just a man who lived in our house. He isn't a good father if he isn't involved nor willing to engage with his own children.

I agree with colourmeclear. Sometimes stuff just tips the balance.

But ultimately. You're 44. With years and years ahead of you. Do you want to spend it with someone who you don't like very much anymore. Or be free to be on your own?

I left my ExH after a number of smaller things. It just killed any love for him. I'm 4 years on. Just me and my DD and cats I keep adopting. Do you know what, it's bliss.

You don't need a reason to leave, if you are unhappy with him then that is enough.

@Colourmeclear I am probably not being fair to say that he is not involved with the DC - he takes them to activities and school, he does all the right things but I feel that he hasn’t resolved his own emotional issues and so finds it hard to open up to people, hence why he has never been able to talk openly with DC as they have gotten older. They all love him but older ones say he is quite closed. If you met him IRL you would probably like him. He’s handsome charming and successful. All our friends harp on about what a lovely man he is. Most (bar 3 of my closest friends) don’t know what happened.
@Bopahula that does sound blissful! It’s so hard though as I am so used to being with him and he’s not a bad person I don’t think. We have a lot planned over the coming year, just things rolled over from lockdown and the DC are all involved. It’s so strange to think of being alone. I have been with him since I was 21. These feelings have come almost out of nowhere, a few months ago we were plodding along relatively happily.

I do make all the decisions regarding our DC, it has just always been that way. He takes a backseat and avoids big issues but I am starting to feel I want an equal partner emotionally or I may as well be alone. His main contribution to the family unit is practical and financial.

Leave him for your kids sake.

My dad had an affair before any of us were born. My mother chose to stay with him, none of us children knew among it until years later. All of a sudden my mum would go on and on about it, bringing it up during every argument, dragging my brothers and I into arguments. It’s been hell. My dad has been a wonderful dad to us, I won’t have anyone say otherwise. But if you’re not happy then leave.

You don’t need him to be the ‘bad one’ or somehow in the wrong to leave if you are no longer happy. Mentally dragging up all of the hurt and annoyances, big and small, over the past months is probably a symptom of you falling out of love and drawing a line under your residual emotional attachment to your husband.

It sounds like you both did manage to genuinely move on from his affair, as some couples manage to do. It doesn’t mean you need to stay together for ever.

You have the rest of your life to enjoy, you just need to decide whether or not to spend it with him. Can you envisage growing old and spending your retirement together once your kids have left home? Would you want to look after him ‘in sickness’ or vice versa?

The most alarming part of your post is where you called him "this man"... sounds like you've already decided.

You can leave your marriage at any time and for any reason.

It sounds like little by little your love for him has been eroded and now you're in a place where you think you'll be better off without him.
Once resentment comes in and love goes I don't think there is any going back.

Can you start getting your ducks in a row before you make any kind of announcement to him?
Definitely get some legal advice.

Do you have your own bank account?
Do you have joint savings?

You say until recently you were plodding along happily but that he has lied to you about something finance related. Do you think he may also be reconsidering the marriage?
Many successful charming high earning men decide they'd like a second bite at the cherry at this age (and feel entitled to it).
Many women in their mid forties have a drop in hormones which does to some extent cause the scales to drop from their eyes. You have also emerged from the early child rearing years and have more time to reflect on what you want.
Would the four children all live with you post divorce or have any of them left home?
How would things be financially for you post-split?

This is really helpful thank you everyone. See today I feel differently about him as compared to when I wrote my OP which is why I wonder if it is perhaps also hormone related as @OhamIreallysays. I still have issues with some of his characteristics but surely that’s relatively normal and not enough to deprive youngest of having her dad around as the others have? I know I do the bulk of the childcare for her but I know a split would still affect her massively. DC are all still at home they would 100% stay with me. The eldest is at uni now but home every holiday and about to return for summer. Financially it would be difficult I think. We own our house jointly with large mortgage. DH earns 2/3 times what I do. We have a joint account and I also have my own account. He has a business though whereas I am employed so I wouldn’t normally see his business accounts unless I asked for them and he could siphon money off very easily as a result without me knowing. The finance related thing was about exactly that - him making payments direct from the business not our joint account for something I didn’t think was necessary (luxury hobby item for himself) but he did. Weirdly

Sorry posted too soon - meant to say @SortingItOut I feel that I love and resent him in equal measure a lot of the time

@MangosteenSoda I love your username and also your post is very thought provoking. I’m not sure I would want to be with him when the kids are all gone unless something changes dramatically. I am also not sure I would want to look after him in sickness etc. However the DC are a big factor and always were in me staying and trying to work things out. My youngest would be at home for at least 10 more years. @Lbnc2021 I would never drag my kids into arguments about the affair or anything else between us. None of them know what happened - they have heard arguments of course over the years as most kids have but nothing specific and I’d never involve them directly. They are brilliant happy well adjusted and all achieving well at school/uni. I don’t want to ruin that unless I am totally sure which I’m not at this point.

I could be way off mark here, so sorry if it is. It sounds like your OP was written from your heart and your last update was written by your head. You spoke much more about how you felt in the OP compared to the logistics in your last update. I wonder if that's how it feels to you, like a push and pull?

@Colourmeclear that’s exactly how it feels, push and pull, back and forth. I guess one day the balance will tip one way or the other for good…