Unfriending someone due to new relationship

[Nonose]

I've just unfriended someone I thought I was really close with. We've been friends 17 or so years and been each others shoulder to cry on. She's a good person, she's helped me through a lot.

In January she started seeing a much older guy on tinder. We met him, when circumstances allowed and he is difficult. Very religious, homophobic, anti Muslim, anti vaxxer, only spole about himself, was kissing her inappropriately in front of us, that are late 40s, late 50s) believes in a one world government, never asked us a single question about us. So ok, not our cup of tea - or a lot of peoples cup of tea. He is treating her like a princess, buying her things, talking about getting married. Btw, his wife died last July and she isn't the first person he has dated. She then tells me that he hasn't seen one of his children, a daughter for 15 years. Social services were involved and she was removed from the home. Later she tells me the daughter accused him of rape. But he says she made it all up and social services made things worse. Am I wrong in thinking what the actual hell? This girl is now in her thirties with children of her own and is not in contact with him and did not even get in contact with him when her own mother died. He had to let her know through social media. I'm sorry, there are so many red flags. I tried to talk to her about it but she will not listen and he is definitely showing controlling behaviour. Her 2 daughters do not like him. It is just stressing me out too much and although I think a lot about her I cannot be friends with her. She is posting stuff all over social media, gushing about him to friends. I feel like I'm in a parallel universe. Surely I can't be the only one to be horrified by this??

She’ll need your support when it all goes wrong

I think that you are not at all unreasonable to take a step back, but she may well need your support at some point when this goes wrong (as it sounds like it very probably will). I would want to keep a door open if I were you, but just step back a bit so that you don't have to spend any time with him.

It does sound quite bad on a lot of levels, but she has obviously been love-bombed and won't be seeing what you see at the moment.

There isn't anything you can do while she is happy with him and being swept along. She will make her own decisions.

Are her girls still living with her and how old are they? Depending on answer you should consider involving social services.

One of my friends went through a low period where she was dating a pedophile (convicted, it was in the papers even). We were so terrified for her kids we contacted social services and they investigated and ultimately considered her kids at risk. She had no choice but to leave then because otherwise her kids would have been taken away. Could you do the same?

Definitely please report anonymously to social services to protect those poor children, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I didn’t.

Please ring social services right now, these beasts of men prey on the vulnerable. We all can guess what his intentions are.

And once you have reported to SS, please step away from the friendship for good. I couldn't be friends with someone who puts her children at risk

Her daughters are adults otherwise I might have done. I just don't know what possesses someone to ignore red flags such as these. I honestly can't get my head around it. @ozanji wow. That must have been awful. When you can't reason with your friend it's awful.

She is clearly deeply vulnerable, being abandoned may not be the best thing.

@Nonose

Her daughters are adults otherwise I might have done. I just don't know what possesses someone to ignore red flags such as these. I honestly can't get my head around it. *@ozanji* wow. That must have been awful. When you can't reason with your friend it's awful.

It was so stressful. All of us kept making excuses to have the kids round for sleepovers. What made it worse was that before she met him she was so overprotective! So she knew the risks but just couldn’t see them for her depression. She’s much better now and in a fantastic relationship.

Until you got to the part about her having two daughters I was just thinking yeah he's a dick. But whoa.... his own daughter has accused him of rape and now he has targeted a single parent with two daughters. That is proper frightening, that is what these males do.

Your friend must have some concerns about him, otherwise why on earth would she be telling you all this? If I was dating somebody who had told me a lot of shocking stuff which I believed his side of or didn’t think was relevant, I wouldn’t be telling my close friends, I’d just not say anything to them at all. Could she perhaps be breadcrumbing you and would actually like you to ask her about these things and how she really feels about this man, because she needs your support to decide what to do?

He is treating her like a princess, buying her things, talking about getting married.

Love bombing?

How old are her dds?

Are her girls still living with her and how old are they? Depending on answer you should consider involving social services.

Yep!

Ah ok dds are adults do they know his history?

Shits gonna hit fan isn't it? Up to you whether to be there for her at this time or not

I had a friend like this.

Anyone who pointed out there might be a problem or questioned his motives was instantly blocked.

Her marriage didn’t last the wedding reception.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to not socialise with them as a couple, given what you've said. I think I would be inclined to see her for coffee on her own, or not at all. Maybe keep in contact over social media, and be there for her if she needs it. If her DD's are adults, unless there are additional needs, they are presumably not vulnerable. Was friends estranged nearly SD a child or adult when the rape took place? If they are living in the same house, this might be an issue, depending on the answer.

Omg. I've just looked up love bombing. This 100%.

She's told me she's hurt by me distancing myself and said I know her. Unfortunately, I do, she went back to an ex for 5 years after he treated her horribly and it didn't end well. She overlooks things others wouldn't Can't do it all again. It's too much. Plus have my own probs with a poorly husband.

Sad though isn't it, when you care but can't make them see?

Ok, so can you say that to her, kindly, but that you'll be there if/when it all goes Pete Tong?

I think it seems quite over the top to unfriend someone because of something like this (I assume you mean on social media/blocking her on phone/email?), as I think she will need your support when it all goes wrong.

But I think you are absolutely seeing what's going on in a really rational, sensible way. This story is almost identical to what's happened in my family, except the far right leanings are not quite so extreme. My mum met someone online dating. He disclosed right away that he had also been convicted of sexually abusing his daughter. His daughter's are NC with him and have been since this happened (15+ years ago), they're also in their 30s now, same age as me. Lots of love bombing, big gestures, expensive gifts. My mum was completely swept up in it, believes his daughter's are lying (even though he plead guilty and has admitted it to her). Denial, denial, denial. We are now NC. Neither of them have any relationship with their children or grandchildren. She seems, according to friends (who know and are really freaked out by it), 'blissfully happy'. But she lives in a pretend world and won't talk about anything negative or listen to any criticism of him because he is 'perfect'. She's been very manipulated.

I have obviously cut off all contact, but most of her friends have not. The reason we are NC is primarily to protect my children, but also because she has (as a result of this) become quite an apologist for child abusers and has said some quite awful things about me and the abuse I disclosed to her. It's a much bigger situation than just her partner. This is a still very new relationship and it's quite possible it may fall apart and she may need a friend. I would, if you can, maybe keep the doors open to be a support for her if/when that happens. As my situation shows, it doesn't always (my mum has been with her partner for 15 years and I don't think they'll ever split, in their 70s now). But at the same time, I can understand how this changes your perception of someone forever. It doesn't sound like she is actually the person you thought she was and if having someone like that in your life will never be possible now that you know this, then you're completely within your right to end the friendship.

Personally, I might be inclined though to tell her the truth about why. She may shoot the messenger, but I'm not sure I could walk away without being quite upfront. I have been with my mum and it's been quite cathartic actually.

@mindutopia I'm sorry you've been through all of that. I think you've done exactly the right thing for yourself and your children but it is still hard to lose contact with a parent.

I absolutely could not be with anyone if I knew those things.

It might seem extreme to take her off social media but she is posting and going places and tagging him in everything and people are expressing their happiness for it and I just don't want to see it.

I have told her I've taken her off and exactly why. I said she should not ignore the rape allegations and that she has a moral duty to let people with children know about what she knows. She came back saying she's not ignoring but clearly she is. If it did go tits up, I'd be there for her. But who doesn't listen to a friend who loves and cares and wants the best for you. I'm quite sure her other friends and family would not be so gushing if they knew.