need a handhold - worst hangover anxiety ever

[mortifiedandupset]

Namechanged. Aware this is all my own fault and I should know better on so many levels...but if anyone could offer any reassurance here then I would appreciate it enormously.

We had a few friends over on Friday. A married friend of ours was also there - without his wife. He and I have always had a spark. I find him extremely attractive, and I've got the impression in the past that the feeling is mutual. However, I'd never want to risk my marriage, and I very much doubt he would either. Nothing, bar a bit of low level flirting, has ever happened between us and I've always just tried to be adult about it etc.

However, I'm currently feeling VERY anxious that I may have been quite inappropriate with him the other night. We were all drunk - though I think I more so than him - and my memory is very hazy to say the least. There's a whole hour or so that I don't remember and I feel utterly sick that I may have said things to him, or even done things, that I really shouldn't have.

I don't know if this is all some weird and horrible alcohol-related comedown and I am worrying about nothing. I have carefully asked my lovely DH if I seemed very drunk (obviously I didn't explain why I was asking) who said I seemed absolutely fine - believe me, he would say if I hadn't been! Another good friend there said I was okay too. But I cannot shake this sickening feeling that I was making my feelings abundantly clear to this friend, and I'm so ashamed and embarrassed.

I'm naturally an anxious person. I know I should get a handle on my drinking - having these memory lapses/blackouts from booze NEVER used to happen to me, even when I was younger and partying much harder.

I am PRAYING that all I did perhaps was flirt a bit, and I didn't try to kiss him or anything when no-one was looking! SURELY I would remember that?! I do remember quite a lot from later on in the evening (after this friend had left), but hopefully that's a good sign?

I know that whatever did or didn't happen is done now, and there's nothing I can do but move on and be more careful in the future. But if anyone could offer reassurance I'd really appreciate it. I've actually been in tears this morning, I feel so bad about this.

I'm sure you've been fine - if you ever see a drunk person trying to be discreet, so I'm sure if you'd actually done anything, your DH would already be well aware of it!! For all you know l, you had passed out during that hour.

The fear is a horrible feeling but it might just be a bit of a wake up call to think about your drinking and take steps to ease off on it a bit. Hope you're feeling ok!

Ah OP i get terrible anxiety with a hangover, always think the worse and its never as bad as I work myself up to believe. I think if you've done anything really bad then you would remember. Its always in the back of my mind when I'm drinking of how anxious ill be the following day so I think that stops any bad behaviour but the over thinking of it makes me think that I've done something if that make sense lol.

Ah you sound really upset , it's horrible when you can't remember everything. But I think you should be reassured that all is ok from what your husband has said you did not behave inappropriately as surely he would have said and also your friend would have said. Please try and stop thinking about it as it will drive you mad.

Thank you for the kind words. I just feel sick about it. I have felt rather thrown in the past with how attractive I find him and sensing a mutual appreciation...but I have just tried to be careful about it. I adore my DH and wouldn't ever risk our marriage over what is ultimately a stupid crush. Equally, they are good friends of ours and the thought of risking that is also disgusting.

We were definitely talking a lot to each other and I'm fretting about what I might have said. I'm also worried I may have touched his face but I am hoping that it was because I wanted to (and stopped myself) and didn't actually do that!!

@pumpkinpie01 - it does feel like it's driving me mad and I can't seem to shake the anxiety over it. Just the thought that I MAY have been slightly throwing myself at this guy... all so embarrassing. I am really worried about what he might think of me and how I might mess around behind Dh's back - he is a good friend to both of us, after all. I am so fond of his wife too and am fretting about what she might think about it.

God this feeling is horrible. Honestly, just forget it and move on. If youd done anything awful, your husband and friend would be aware of it. Just relax. Its just the fear talking :)

@Kittykat93 - god I hope you're right. There were a few group messages exchanged the next day and everything seemed 'normal' - bar the hangovers! - but I just don't know.

These 'did I, didn't I?' fragments keep popping up and I am REALLY hoping they are the results of thoughts entering my mind as we were talking, rather than things I actually did...i.e. that I may have thought about kissing him but had the sense NOT to, rather than that I actually did. Do you think that's possible?

You can't have done anything bad or surely his wife would have been in touch with you and your DH would be making it clear he wasn't happy with you. Losing a drunken hour is horrible, I did a 2 minute monologue whilst drunk a few weeks ago and had no recollection , only saw it when I looked at my photos the next day 🤷‍♀️

As others have said, I'm sure your husband and friend would have been honest with you so obviously nothing inappropriate happened.
I think as you find him attractive, coupled with anxiety then your mind is going into overdrive and that's understandable, anxiety is simply awful and can distort your feelings making them appear far worse than the reality.
Please try to forget about it (easier said than done I know) and just be mindful in future about your alcohol intake especially in social situations.

I guarantee you the feeling will pass tomorrow, they don’t call it hangover blues for nothing, it’s a form of temporary insanity, your mind still won’t be capable of firing correctly enough to make sense of things.

Eat a full healthy meal, hydrate hydrate hydrate, down some multivitamins. And tell yourself you’ll think more about this will you feel yourself again tomorrow. For now just give yourself a break and distract yourself with comforting thoughts.

Your body and mind are complaining and telling you to never drink like again, please try to listen to them.

Count yourself lucky that level of inebriation didn’t cost you more than a day’s bit of embarrassment. It will pass and you’ll forget about this, probably by the end of the week! Come back and do tell us!

Ah you are all so kind and it's making me feel a lot better. I was half expecting a massive telling off - it could be that I might indeed deserve one but really hoping not.

I obviously need to be very careful with my drinking, particularly around him.

I don’t believe for a second that you don’t know if you said/did anything inappropriate. How can you blackout for one hour but everyone else not even think you were drunk? Makes no sense.

This is why I don't drink heavily anymore OP! Even though I don't think I ever do anything awful (except maybe lose my volume control a bit) the fear the next day is a killer, worse than any physical effect of the booze.

I'm a 2 glass of wine wonder these days

I'm sure it's fine, if you'd have been all over another man your DH would know. Can you ask your friend in passing about any bad habits he has, maybe under the guise of talking about your DHs? Put yourself off of him! Hopefully he does something that gives you the ick.

@premium77

I don’t believe for a second that you don’t know if you said/did anything inappropriate. How can you blackout for one hour but everyone else not even think you were drunk? Makes no sense.

Actually makes perfect sense. You're showing your ignorance here actually.

@premium77 - we were all drunk, that's not in dispute. It was a small party and we were having a good time on a warm evening. I'm more worried that I was FAR more drunk than everyone else, because I can't seem to remember a significant chunk of the evening. This is what fills me with horror and anxiety, though according to DH and female friend my behaviour was fine. I am particularly fretting because this other bloke who I have (inappropriate) feelings for was there.

@redheadonatractor - the fear is an absolute killer, yes. I've never had it quite this badly. Of course I've had episodes in the past where I regret drinking too much, but these memory lapses that seem to happen to me these days - sometimes after a fairly modest amount of booze! - are quite disturbing.

Plus I don't really understand WHY they're happening. In my early 20s I could have huge nights out and still remember everything the next day. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it always was for me. Not sure what has changed 2 decades later. Well done on being able to moderate the booze so well. I have to learn, it's not my strength at all.

Understand that as you age, your body cannot process the alcohol as quickly as it used to, so you do get drink a lot quicker, plus the hangovers are worse. Past 30 it's a noticeable change and not unusual. But, if you are relating the amount that you think you can handle, to times gone by in your 20's, think again, not gonna happen, those days are gone.
The other factors are speed of drinking and if on an empty stomach. Unfortunately, at the point you feel pissed enough that you ought to stop ( if you have the resolve to) there is still another hour or so to go before hitting the peak, so will be worse before getting better for a time. Trick is to stop well before your body or mind says 'that's enough'.
Hopefully, you're recent experience will make you more cautious around alcohol in future, just learn from it.
Don't worry about what happened, because nothing did as far as your DH &friend are concerned, so it's all good. Let's say if something happened anyway, is you're married friend really going to be bringing it up? Whether anything did or didn't happen, you are safe on this occasion, just don't do a repeat, it's not worth the angst, as you are finding out.

@opentooffers - thank you for wise words. I really really need to learn to be more sensible. I am trying to let the worry go....I just feel so very mortified that I may have come across like I was flirting with huge intent. The thought of him mentioning to his wife (who I adore), or getting the impression I've got the capacity to cheat on lovely DH is awful. I'm an idiot

If you had done anything bad your husband/friend would definitely say something. Drink is a curse at times, I honestly have had my darkest most irrational thoughts when hungover, serious black dog that I suffer no other time. I would suggest that you try your best to get on with today, tomorrow (or sometimes it may take a couple of days) you will be able to think rationally again. However I do think for everyones sake you need to blow out the little candle you have lighting for you friend & focus 100% on your relationship, also knock booze on the head for a while.

@premium77

I don’t believe for a second that you don’t know if you said/did anything inappropriate. How can you blackout for one hour but everyone else not even think you were drunk? Makes no sense.

I thought blackouts where when the short term memory stops functioning correctly but the person can appear not overly drunk? Or something along those lines.

Yes @Iceniii you're right.

Some people, myself included, can appear completely fine. I don't slur, or stagger but I have huge memory blanks if I drink too much.

Hence I've quit altogether. Just not worth it.

@Newmum110 - hope you're right. Just so paranoid that while I appeared fine to DH and female friend, that I could have been saying all manner of stuff to married friend out of ear shot. I have no idea what I was saying. All so potentially embarrassing.

@giftidea - interesting that this made you quit entirely. I think I definitely want to take a break for a while this has made me feel so awful. Could I ask (grasping for reassuring straws here!), did you ever discover you'd done or said something shocking that you had absolutely no memory of in one of your blackouts?! Interestingly I remember a conversation I had LATER that night - but it was another friend telling me something quite monumental about something else!

@giftidea - interesting that this made you quit entirely. I think I definitely want to take a break for a while this has made me feel so awful. Could I ask (grasping for reassuring straws here!), did you ever discover you'd done or said something shocking that you had absolutely no memory of in one of your blackouts?! Interestingly I remember a conversation I had LATER that night - but it was another friend telling me something quite monumental about something else!

I honestly don't know. I suppose the crowds I would have been with when blackout wouldn't be shocked by much... I have definitely regretted a lot of stuff

I blackout also quite often 😬 I didn’t know we had been to an entire bar once. Lost two hours, remember bits after and before tho.
I think it’s when you drink too quickly but not nec too much as the next day apparently I’m just my normal drunk self?!

Pressed send too quick! As others have said and also the om may have sent you a message the next day if you had done anything as u said u feel it’s possibly mutual. If you dh and other mates were all there and say you were fine you prob were. Just maybe I guess a warning to you not to get drunk with this guy in the future ?!

Thanks @giftidea. I’m trying not to let this eat away at me. I feel full of regret for drinking so much and not sure if I have anything bigger to regret.

@headisgone - I’m not sure he’d be the type to send me a message. Hopefully I’ll see him before too long and everything will feel ‘normal’ again.