Can someone chat with me about this anxiety, it’s crippling me

[AnxiousSuep]

I get really bad relationship anxiety. It’s always been this way since I was a teen. I’ve been in therapy on and off over the years and now have it every week. I didn’t have an abusive childhood really, but I was often emotionally neglected/compared unfavourably to sibling etc. I think this is where it has come from. My main fear is abandonment, i think. The idea of someone leaving me, even when I’m not particularly invested in them (!) makes me feel sick. I panic. I feel deep feelings of rejection and unworthiness.

I met someone a year ago and I don’t know how I’ve managed it but mostly I’ve kept the panic to myself. Mostly. But it’s been getting bad again recently. I feel scared he will leave. No reason for this at all. I will say things like ‘do you want to end this?’ Often.

Can anyone chat about this who has experienced it. I’m trying so hard but it isn’t easy.

The best way to destroy it would be to keep asking 'do you want to end this?’
But I'm.not sure anyone here can tell you anything tgat your therapist won't

What has your therapist suggested that you do about this?

Sometimes keeping things like that from our partner is the best we can do. I would speak to the Samaritans when you have privacy. Talking to an anonymous stranger can sometimes help you make mental connections and aha moments you may not have had otherwise. It also gives you a place to put it without also making your partner insecure by questioning your togetherness all the time.

It’s fine to talk to your partner if you think they can handle it and may offer support, just don’t make it a constant - it may be self defeating, and bring about the exact thing of which you’re afraid.

Have you looked into yoga, mindfulness, meditation? You need ways to calm yourself and a way to cope with and accept the unpredictability and transience of life. Relationships and much loved things and lifestyles come and go, once you accept that, then you can enjoy each day and all that you have at that present moment without the fear of loss. Radically accept that loss happens, be at peace with it, and then move onto the business of actually enjoying the life you have while you have it.

Easier said than done, but if you put in the inner work, you WILL improve a LOT!

OP, one way of coping is to examine the “worst case scenario” and visualise how you would deal with it.
In other words, imagine he does leave you. So what? Your life would still go on. You’d be sad for a while, maybe even temporarily panic struck.
But you would find your pride and your anger, you’d think sod him, he wasn’t worth it, he didn’t deserve me, plenty more men out there, etc. You would gather up your self esteem and carry on, either enjoying the benefits of singledom, or dating again.
You wouldn’t spend the next fifty years sobbing over him and panicking! Nobody can sustain that emotional intensity for long.
Once you realise that you can survive alone, your partner becomes a nice plus, not an essential. You can live in the moment, enjoying each day you do have with him, rather than catastrophising and panicking that it might end one day.
Don’t spoil what you do have by endless fears over what may never happen.

I have had success with anxiety by taking certain vitamins for it. Magnesium (but not in the oxide form, unless you want loose stools!), B12, other B vitamins and Omega 3 have helped me hugely. Might not be the same for you but I have changed my life with this.

Thanks this is so helpful!

I stay with my partner three nights a week, we speak twice a week on the phone and we are in limited texts contact.

But for example today.. my last night with my partner this week is tonight. I am already feeling anxious about leaving tomorrow. I don’t want to leave I have my own lovely house and life and when I’m back there I am ok (I would still rather be with him, but I’m ok). The anxiety now though is awful..I won’t properly enjoy this evening because of it, which is so rubbish.

I will next see him on Sunday lunchtime and stay again for a few days. But it feels daunting right now. So pathetic isn’t it. Happens every week.

Have you spoken to your therapist about separation anxiety?

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes I have. She just tries to come up with strategies. They do sometimes work but it takes a lot of energy from me to do so. It’s exhausting.

Perhaps it’s time to try a new therapist if you feel you’re not making enough progress with this one... however, no therapy will work if you’re not putting the work in outside of the sessions... that is hard but if you really work it, you will establish routines and automatic responses that you do not feel like you’re having to work at and feeling drained. Get through that pain barrier so you can enjoy the rewards.

Out of curiously, have mumsnetters said anything here that your therapist hasn’t covered?

@TheSecondAct the vitamins and imagining life without him and how that would be has definitely helped.

I’m just dreading the building anxiety that will hit later today.

Brilliant! Keep going, you can do it!

Hi op

Would you find it useful to give your anxiety a name?
What I mean is pick a name of someone you dislike or a name that would be disparaging ..like fuckwit or dickhead etc

So this thing anxiety is a regular unwelcome visitor, so treat it as such, talk to it make it a separate entity to yourself who is unwelcome and a pain in the arse.

Make it list the things that could go wrong, then come back with your points where it won't, and if it does what can be done to mitigate that issue.

Also I maybe wrong but have you got set days and times you see your partner?
Has the anxiety got an appointment for these set times to come visit ?
If so can you slightly change these timings to put anxiety on the back foot?

If this all sounds strange to you, my point is to take control of anxiety as if they are a real person that's annoying you. If it was real what boundaries would you put in place to minimise contact with this person.

When you get to that day of the week when you know it's coming, talk to it
I'm hoovering right now you'll have to wait, or I'll see you at 6 tonight but you've got 5 minutes and that's it. If you can train it, the anxiety treat it like a naughty child or irritating fly, over time you can decrease the power it has over you .

It will take a bit of time, and as my Dad would say throw a few fucks at it 😳
Tell it the stress it's causing you what a waste of time it's been, and your not standing for it. Imagine a big steel box, and practice locking it in there every time it pops up.

Ask you therapist about guided imagery, they are very relaxing and allow the unconscious to come through with any issues.

Good luck lovely

OP, Can I ask what type of therapy you are doing?
It sounds like CBT which I don't think will work for deep-rooted PTSD/abandonment fears which it sounds like you are suffering from.
You probably need long-term psychotherapy.
Good luck

I also wondered about DBT. It's designed for people who have suffered neglectful or abusive histories and have issues with abandonment.