Checked out, can you check back in?

[HelpWendy]

I've posted a few times about my marriage.

Deep down I know I checked out. Married to the most unengaging man it turns out. No rapport. Expected it would grow as with other relationships. He has issus opening up, extremly reserved and expressionless, I had no idea to this extent.

I feel like I am making the biggest decision of my life and I am scared that I am just being fickle. I have checked out and lost belief. But terrified and so is there any way of forcing yourself to check back in to be sure.

Family life of two very small kids at stake and for some reason, I feel like I am just being reckless.

From what you’ve said here it sounds like a no. But whatever you decide, it takes two, so you both need to be fully engaged in making things work. If he won’t talk about issues and there’s no rapport I can’t imagine how you can build up your marriage or ‘rekindle’ something which it doesn’t seem was ever there in the first place.

In my experience once you’ve checked out it’s over. I tried for a year after my marriage failed and it just led to resentment and no respect for each other.

I would recommend a trail separation with relationship counselling. This will give you an opportunity to see if you want to try or path a way for you both to separate.

My advice would be to try everything before you decide to separate, take some time apart and see if you can rekindle what was once there. I wish I did. Separation is really hard.

Definitely seek marriage counselling. I have been where you are but didn’t seek counselling. Separation and divorce, especially when money and housing come into play is really really tough. It’s far more emotional than you can ever think it will be. Being a single parent is harder than you think. Even just living with someone, even someone who you have checked out with, helps in a practical way (if they are decent despite being unengaging). Being single or in a relationship with a man who isn’t the biological father can have it’s challenges. Being on your own is exhausting. You may prefer this but it will be worth checking in with a counsellor just to have ticked the box. You’ll always be able to look back and know you had tried everything. Good luck.