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Original poster

Friends after separation

18 replies

incognito00 · 13/06/2021 22:54

My husband and I are getting divorced: he has been having an affair. I thought that some long term friends had sympathy with me, despite being originally “his” friends. It now appears that they have hosted him and his mistress at their house. I know I can’t trust him: should I back away from these friends too? (I can’t decide if they invited the pair of them, or if he just showed up with her.)

OP posts:
ScissorsBike · 13/06/2021 23:09

I mean, it's just an affair, he didn't murder someone. If I had an affair, I really wouldn't expect my friends to stop being friends with me and be friends with my husband just because he's the sadsack in the situation. I would absolutely expect life to carry on as normal, and my friends to welcome my new partner. Same as any new relationship.

suggestionsplease1 · 13/06/2021 23:10

It probably makes sense to turn to and strengthen the friendships you have which are more connected to you than to him, and these do tend to be the friendships that precede your relationship or that have developed aside from him.

Regardless of rights and wrongs friends and family often do stick with 'their own' at times like these.

Original poster
incognito00 · 13/06/2021 23:18

Yes I see your point. I am just surprised as it’s only a couple of months, and they had said remarkably different things to me so I didn’t think she would be welcomed into the fold so soon and so easily. I guess the children will be next to meet her then….

OP posts:
Original poster
incognito00 · 13/06/2021 23:18

Sorry, new to this and don’t know how to reply!

OP posts:
Original poster
incognito00 · 13/06/2021 23:20

I shall try to be less of a sadsack.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 13/06/2021 23:23

Fucking hell, you’re not being a sad sack!

You’ve been betrayed, and the idea of these friends welcoming your ex’s affair partner in so quickly must feel gutting. An entirely natural reaction on your part.

If I were you I would take it as a line drawn. Focus on friends who won’t spend time wining and dining and chumming up to your ex and OW.

Original poster
incognito00 · 13/06/2021 23:26

The worst thing is that their kids were there. Mine currently know nothing of what he has been up to, at his request.

OP posts:
Original poster
incognito00 · 13/06/2021 23:26

(I mean our friends’ kids were there.)

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 13/06/2021 23:31

Horrible OP. Totally human and normal to feel the sting of that. I guess the friends are in an awkward situation but so hard for you to hear all about their little gathering.

Stay focused on people you can trust. I’m not saying you have to cut ties with these people but it’s clear where their allegiances are, for now. Stay civil and distant, time may unfold circumstances in unexpected ways.

SurelyNott · 13/06/2021 23:38

Nah fuck that and the first poster, the mistress wouldn’t be stepping over my doorstep.

They aren’t friends, dump them.

SuperSugar · 13/06/2021 23:44

If I had an affair, I really wouldn't expect my friends to stop being friends with me

Well once you've proven to be an untrustworthy person with low morals that might be why friends could keep their distance from you.

I'd not expect his friends to continue contact with me but I wouldn't be surprised if they cut contact with him to once they realised what sort of person he is. I wouldn't keep someone in my life (and haven't with at least one person I was friends with previously) if they were someone who did this and thought it was OK.

But that's me I realise many people have a flexible opinion with cheating. If it happens to them the person is the devil spawn but if someone they know does it the poor thing must have been driven to it. I just have zero tolerance for cheats be it on me or on someone else no matter who they are.

Mintlegs · 13/06/2021 23:46

It is a real eye opener how people you thought may have been close friends don’t seem to care and want to sit on the fence for a quiet life (and for social gatherings). I’m sorry your ex is a complete shit. Work on yourself, it’s a hard road but you will get there. Try not to let their behaviour reflect on yours.

Getafuckinggripman · 13/06/2021 23:53

✂️

Dullardmullard · 14/06/2021 01:32

@incognito00

The worst thing is that their kids were there. Mine currently know nothing of what he has been up to, at his request.
Why are you keeping it a secret?

Their friends are gong to tell not knowing it’s a secret.

I’d be telling the kids pronto

Skengman · 14/06/2021 04:30

@ScissorsBike you're not wrong but wow. Did you get lost on your way to AIBU?

Angrymum22 · 14/06/2021 11:29

Rather narcissistic of you @ScissorsBike. My SIL was my BIL affair partner, she was also his ex’s best friend. After 20yrs I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. They found it very difficult after it all happened and like you expected everyone to just accept the situation and carry on as before. They ended up moving away and starting afresh.

Berry456 · 14/06/2021 13:49

Really shocking seeing people you thought were friends supporting something like this but sadly so common. Especially the ones that you thought held morals in high regard but there you are. It sucks.

But I personally have put this to bed as, hurtful as it is, his lifestyle with his OW may be what still goes along with theirs. It's tough for friends but generally they stick with the original person they were friends with in the first place and what suits them to include in their social circle still. "His" friends you thought were yours too probably really were not. Focus on your friends. I totally understand your feelings though - an extra dose of betrayal.

ScissorsBike · 14/06/2021 20:20

Didn't mean to sound so harsh. It's just a reality check. I'm sure you would expect your friends to stay your friends no matter what happened within your romantic relationships?

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