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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Menopause and sex

19 replies

Yourarejokingme · 13/06/2021 20:59

He’s moaning he doesn’t get it often enough as I’ve gone through the menopause and can take it or leave it

We have sex maybe once a week sometimes 10 days but I’ve got to get in the mood with lube as I suffer from vaginal dryness

It’s like he doesn’t give a shit and I feel like giving in and doing it just to keep the peace but I don’t think I can actually go through with it because it’ll do a number on my mental health and my resentment too boot

So anyone else having this problem and how did it end.

OP posts:

TheCrystalShip · 13/06/2021 23:16

You have very different desires, that’s ok. But it’s a serious incompatibility. Unless something changes for either of you the difference is irreconcilable.

My ex lost interest during his 30s, struggling along. It only got worse for each of us. With DH it’s like a different life for me. Ex is a nice guy, we’re still on very friendly terms, I hope he can find someone that’s happy to be in a relationship with no or little sex, that would be perfect...but was a nightmare for me.

Bagelsandbrie · 13/06/2021 23:20

You shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to.

But yes it’s very difficult if your dh has a higher sex drive.

As a side note, if dryness is an issue and you want to try something for it get your Gp to prescribe Ovestin internal oestrogen cream (it’s very low dose oestrogen so isn’t absorbed into the blood) and HRT. Look at the Newson Health Clinic Website for free advice.

DramaAlpaca · 13/06/2021 23:22

Vaginal dryness is very common post menopause and you don't have to put up with it. Lube won't be enough. See your GP and ask for topical oestrogen - either Vagifem or Ovestin. It might not help the difficulties in your relationship, but you will feel much more comfortable.

whenthephonerings · 13/06/2021 23:22

That sounds awful for you OP of course don’t have sex if you don’t want to, that will have a huge negative impact.

Being realistic, your partner might not want to continue that relationship. My Dsis went through the same situation 2 years ago. DH moved on, not sure of his situation, but Dsis is doing well.

forumdonkey · 13/06/2021 23:31

My sister was the same and she is now on HRT and it's been amazing for her

MyMessageToYou · 13/06/2021 23:32

Mismatch in libido is likely the end of the relationship if it continues over the longer term. If both partners want roughly, and that may be none if it suits them. I’ve not been in that situation and it must be awful . Lots of MN threads on it though, ands it’s never pleasant reading :(

MyMessageToYou · 13/06/2021 23:33

..roughly the same amount

Original poster

Yourarejokingme · 14/06/2021 00:34

I wouldn’t mind if he showed affection but the minute you go for a hug he thinks it’s a green light and it puts me off.

I have said this and all I get is we’re married. I went what does that mean. He couldn’t answer me.

He used to huff, that didn’t last long as I told him children huff, grown adults talk.

He does get embarrassed when we do talk which can be frustrating as we’ve been together for over 20 years now.

Time to talk again and ask him if he’s happy with the status quo or to call it a day and let him go.

That’ll be hard

OP posts:

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/06/2021 00:43

Have you considered HRT?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/06/2021 01:06

If he’s in the mood and you’re not would there be a compromise to be made? I will always offer a pity handy or a quick BJ if I’m not up for sex. That way he gets some fun and a bit of affection and he owes me one so I can bargain with him for a lie in or coffee in bed the next day etc!

Sex has always been a big part of mine and DP’s relationship but now that it’s waning a bit we’ve had a chat about what that might look like and I have suggested the above, which DP was happy with.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/06/2021 01:07

Also about the start HRT so hopefully that will make a difference for me too.

Anothernick · 14/06/2021 07:49

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Good advice here. My DWs libido has declined somewhat since the menopause, she still enjoys it as much as before, just less often. If I come on to her there are three possible outcomes - sex with her, she will sort me out with a handjob or bj or she will tell me to rub one out. If it's the latter she's happy for me to go right ahead and do it in front of her, something she would not have liked when we were younger (because she would have wanted sex instead).Very rarely do I get a straight no.

This arrangement works very well for us.

IsItJustMeOrYou · 14/06/2021 10:37

@Bagelsandbrie ........and HRT. Look at the Newson Health Clinic Website for free advice

This

Angrymum22 · 14/06/2021 11:11

HRT turned things around for me. I use the patches. It took a few months to sort things out but it really solved the vaginal dryness problems.

KnotKnot · 14/06/2021 11:35

OP, based on your posts there are clearly communication issues too. What you describe as huff, not giving a care, etc., does not sound good. Is libido mismatch a result of that? Or a cause of that?

MN has regular posts from women whose DP/DH won't or does not want to have sex with them. They feel awful, undesired, unloved. That could be his situation? That would be awful for him.

Or he might be an entitled uncaring man-child that always expects to get his way? That would be awful for you.

You probably need some expert couples advice. Also, if you tried HRT it will help libido, but not if there are problems beyond that. Good luck!!

Original poster

Yourarejokingme · 26/06/2021 16:37

We’ve spoken again and he didn't want to leave but would like sex. I can’t agree to that as it’s not there and I’m not having sex when I don’t want to and did tell him this as it would do a number on my mental health and he looked and said but it’s only once a week grin and bear it
I’m like fuck off that’s not how it works.

I’d asked for space and he’s refused saying I want to split and I’ve asked again so you’ll live without sex, he said I’ll get it from some one else then and stormed off.

I sat for a few minutes and went and found him and asked outright if he was in fact seeing someone else and he spat at me I could if I wanted to and it would be my fault and I’m like just leave you know you want to just go.

He refused again and said I was to leave so I did with him stopping me. I told him to let go of me which he didn’t and began screaming in my face saying I was using menopause as an excuse to get out of shagging him. He dragged me to the bedroom and said I wasn’t to leave. I waited till he fell asleep and snuck out the window as he’d locked both doors and hide the keys

I’m at my brothers for now

OP posts:

Anothernick · 26/06/2021 17:21

He locked you in the house and hid the keys? That's kidnapping and false imprisonment. There's no going back from that - it's over. You need to see a solicitor asap.

pog100 · 26/06/2021 18:50

Well that's the end of that relationship and not before time by the sound of it. Ignore all the stuff about mismatched libido above, he is clearly an abusive entitled misogynistic wanker that no one in their right mind would want to shag, let alone 'give in to'
Make sure you get everything you are entitled to from this marriage, if it is a marriage?

honeylulu · 26/06/2021 19:42

Omg that escalated. Yes this relationship is over. "Using menopause to get out of shagging" ... surely he should twig that the key issue here is that you DO NOT WANT TO. Yet his answer is grin and bear it, be used as a wank sock because its what HE wants. He's entitled to decide the relationship isn't working for him. He's NOT entitled to access to your body! Ugh! Well rid.

I have to say I hated the earlier suggestion of a compromise blow job. Yuck! That's even worse than lying back with your eyes shut! Too much bloody effort when you're not in the mood.

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