For those in a relationship

[QuestioningEverything2]

How happy are you with the relationship on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the best?

And how low would it have to get before you left?

I'm currently ranging between 4-7, but this whole weekend has been around 4, lower at points and I'm really fed up right now.

Sorry if the scoring scale seems a bit crude, I'm just looking for views really

I'm a 9 pretty much most of the time.

How low would score need to be OP ?

Not sure to be honest. Had a really bad (abusive) relationship previously, which this one definitely isn't, but things just aren't right

Glad you're happy though @DumpyDonkey

Trust your gut. Things aren't right. Can it be fixed? Is he open to working on things? Do you even want to?

I'm in a relationship now that is a 9. It doesn't need to be abusive for you to end things. Don't settle for a non abusive relationship, if it's still not working for you.

Yes he's open to it and I do want to, but I'm feeling like...how much time and work do I give it? Partially we are constrained by circumstance, and we have a small DC to consider.

I don't know if I've set the bar too low due to previous relationship and the fear of having another child with separated parents.

What was your relationship like pre-DC? My relationship has been completely turned on his head after having our two DC. I think we are coming out the other side now but its been 6 years since having the first and 3 since the last. Could it be the stress of DC that's giving you such a low score for want of a better phrase?

Thanks @FluffyMcWuffy. It was much better pre DC. DS is 3, we've been together 6 years. Our sex life is non-existant and has been for the last 18 months or so which is making me a bit resentful if I'm honest. It's difficult as we share a room with DS and chances are limited. I also work ft, partner very pt as he is mostly sahp, which is another source of my resentment. I think my resentment is causing a lot of the bickering that goes on to be honest, and having DS has caused a lot of that. Hopefully things will improve. I also worry if we split he would get custody as he is definitely main carer due to the work situation.

Hard to quantify but a steady 9 I would think.
Think if you find yourself thinking about things like this it probably is time to end it, do you spend more time being unhappy with the relationship than happy in it?
Wouldn't have to slide far down the scale to call it quits, this is your life and the bar for your happiness amd relationship satisfaction should be set pretty high imo.

I’d say 8-9. I’d have to be a 3 or less to leave.

It boils down to would you be happier without them? I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else. DH winds me up sometimes but he’s the love of my life, we are happy, we have a beautiful family and I have a wonderful life, everything I’ve ever wanted. I can’t imagine feeling that way without him.

Has it ever been a 9/10? As in, is there something there to 'aim for' or get back to, if possible?

@Polecat03 I think currently I spend more time happy, or happy enough, but it seems to be getting more and more towards unhappy.

@Tinkling.... that's what I'm currently asking myself. I think it would be a bit of each. He makes my life better in many ways but I also sometimes really wish I was on my own. I will admit I'm not the easiest person to live with and I prefer my own company a lot of the time

10. We’ve spent the weekend painting and juggling toddler DD, the house has been a tip, it’s been boiling hot and we’ve sweared and ached and laughed a lot.

This is my second marriage and I’ve grown some decent boundaries after a shocker of a first husband. I don’t expect to be deliriously happy 24/7 but I do expect to be respected, supported, cherished and cared for and if he started being a dick we’d have serious words and if it didn’t stop I’d leave.

OP - have you and he sat down and talked about your relationship? What changes would you both like to see to make your partnership/team work better for you and your DC? If you've talked about it, did you agree changes, and did they happen?

In the absence of abuse, I think with a child in the picture that you should give the marriage all the work you (both) can before giving up.

I am happily single and intend to remain so BTW. But I have adult dc. I tried everything I could to make my marriage work. Then I realised I was the only one making changes. Marriage counselling was actually very useful as it caused the scales to fall from my eyes in that regard!

These days I wouldn't stay in a committed relationship that wasn't consistently 9/10. I am self employed, earn a bloody good living, have an unlimited supply of sexual partners and am pretty fearless and incredibly resourceful. Adding someone to my life and having to take their emotional needs into account just sounds like a huge drag.

Mine is on a scale of 4/10
Your not alone
I’m considering leaving at the moment

i think you really need to explore the resentment you feel towards him.
At times I have felt similar for my husband and I know from experience that unless it is addressed it festers until it turns into rage etc... I think you also need to look to carve out some time on your own that is not work/child related. It will refresh you and help you get perspective on stuff. re: the sex, you don't just have to have sex in a bedroom! Perhaps you would be more adventurous if you felt more attracted to him. Resentment kills positive affection in my experience. Finally don't underestimate the stress that the last 12 months has put on everyone. I personally would not be making any decision about my relationship whilst we are still coming out of this shitstorm. Instead, spend some time with your OH and be honest about how you are feeling. Hopefully he is receptive to that conversation and things can start improving for you both.

What does a 4 look and feel like for you OP? What is happening (or not) at 4?

Mine's 8-9 and I'm quite happy with that. No sex but I can deal with that. DP is an older man and seems to have run out of steam, not his fault. Do you need to talk about the work thing? IE. him to start working ft? That might help.

I couldn't say one number. But it's more happy than not, he treats me well, I enjoy his company, we have nice chats and have a good time together or with dc - but we can be very lazy with each other and that can feel a bit 'meh'. But I would call the lazy times a 5 : not happy, but neither unhappy.

At 4 we'd be bickering.

I was fluctuating between 3 and 5 at the end. Explains why the relationship is over. The resentment became overwhelming.

Now as a single person, I’m sitting between 8 and 10.

Is he worth the suffering and toll on your mental and physical health caused by unhappiness and stress?

Children involved needs to be carefully thought out.

@Farwest

I couldn't say one number. But it's more happy than not, he treats me well, I enjoy his company, we have nice chats and have a good time together or with dc - but we can be very lazy with each other and that can feel a bit 'meh'. But I would call the lazy times a 5 : not happy, but neither unhappy.

At 4 we'd be bickering.

The laziness was a big trigger for me, that’s what caused the bickering. I felt it demonstrated a lack of care and consideration and was rather selfish. Complete turn off. Intimacy suffered, too.