Running out of time and wanting baby

[SkyK]

Hello,
Looking for advice for a good friend as I am struggling to know what to advise!
My friend is 35 and has in past struggled with relationships. She can be quite anxious and over thinks things (and comes across as needy as a result) which I don’t think has helped her in previous relationships as they always seem to end up losing interest which has really got her down in past. She’s now been seeing someone neatly 7 months and it has been going pretty well - she is smitten and he does seem to really like her (very attentive, sees her a few times a week, lovely gifts etc) but also quite chilled and not in any rush to make things serious (eg she hasn’t been introduced to many friends or family yet). I think this might be largely due to him having a lot of mutual friends with his ex (mother of his children) and so doesn’t want to upset his ex and cause drama for kids.

He has 2 children from this previous relationship. He has indicated he’s not adverse to having more in future but equally he’s got a lot on his plate with his ex and two existing children so I can’t imagine him wanting it any time soon.

My friend feels like her biological clock is running out and she needs to know if he sees a future together with her and will have a baby in future or if she’s wasting her time.

Should she have a talk with him at this stage or would she likely come across as really needy and scare him off?! This is what has happened previously so she’s really worried about doing that but at same time is getting really anxious worried that they want different things.

Any advice would be really appreciated

I think having a talk about it when she is 7 months in is fine in terms of timing, it sounds from your post that they may have had little chats about it as he has discussed that he would consider having more.
Not everyone is the same but personally at 35 I would want to know what rough timeline I'd be looking at and if he agreed then backed down later/asked for more time I would know it was time to move on if I knew I wanted children. I suppose one way to think of it is that if he is scared off then this means she is free to find someone who does want children in near future.

In her position I would definitely ask him after 6/7 months. Too many women act like nervous girls, tip toeing around the egos of men as if they're not worthy of being committed to and having their desires as women met. What he said about not being adverse.to kids in future is utterly meaningless because she has no idea whether he would want them with her and also it's suitably vague enough for him in the future to go back on what he said.

Also.he won't give a damn about her biological clock, he will only be seeing his relationship with her in his own selfish terms I.e. he's presumably getting sex and companionship out of it, so she absolutely needs to stand up for herself.

7 months is fine to have the chat. I’d even say if she leaves it any longer she’s potentially wasting her time. It’s all very well him indicating he may want more kids but she needs to see how certain he is, and if so, does that fit in with her timelines. It’s easy for him to say he might want more children but she needs to know if that means soon and with her, or at some undefined time in the future.

Asking a guy that you've been seeing for 7 months if he wants a baby with you? I think he'd be off running for the hills tbh. 😳

@GertietheGherkin

Asking a guy that you've been seeing for 7 months if he wants a baby with you? I think he'd be off running for the hills tbh. 😳

but when the woman is 35, it's actually really rather important, otherwise a lifetime of regret is what she may be faced with..

At 35 I'd be stating it on the second date tbh

@coronaway

At 35 I'd be stating it on the second date tbh

Same.

Yes, some women have babies easily much older. But you're on the clock at 35.

id be asking on date three to be honest at 35!

so yes, do it.

@coronaway

At 35 I'd be stating it on the second date tbh

Absolutely, and I'm in this boat. It doesn't have to be "I want babies with YOU" but there is nothing wrong with saying that you want to have children when you meet the right person and don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want any children in the future.

Most people I know who have been upfront early on have eventually got the whole marriage/home/babies scenario and it's weeded out the men from the boys quickly.

The ones who didn't feel comfortable bringing it up and have pussyfooted around have had years of their fertility wasted. For some it's too late, I just hope I'm not one of them. I've learned my lesson and I'm not looking for a fuck buddy, a "boyfriend" or a "situationship". I'm upfront now - "I'm looking for something serious and don't want to waste valuable years with someone who's goals aren't aligned with mine. I'd like to be married and trying for a baby within a couple of years, provided I meet the right person of course. I just feel I should make you aware in case you don't want those things in your future and are looking for something casual. I'm only looking to get to know people who are also looking for a more serious commitment eventually."

Sure, it might scare some men off. The ones who are not looking for anything serious. From all the successful marriages I know amongst peers in their 30s, the ones who had the conversation above got what they wanted.

Whereas I put it off and put it off and assumed as he knew I wanted marriage and kids (from conversations in our friendship group before he started dating me) it would just magically happen eventually and "didn't want to scare him off" and shortly before my 31st birthday when everyone else in our circle was getting married or on baby number one, he sat me down and said he didn't EVER want to be a Dad. The best he could offer me was an engagement. During our relationship, there were other men who wanted marriage and kids on my timeline who were interested in me and saw me as wife material. I really regret the time I wasted as by the time he dropped the bombshell, those men had found someone else to have the things that were important to me with.

If you don't ask, you don't get.

He's allready had children and been through that stage in life, I very much doubt he is going to change his mind later on and want to go through it all again, he might say yeah maybe in a couple of years but then will most likely change his mind and you will have of wasted time.

I think I had that conversation when dh and I were dating for about 3 months. I was looking for a serious relationship as I had turned 30 and wanted to settle, he was younger but fortunately he wanted the same. One year after he proposed.

Thanks everyone that’s really helpful! Will tell her to get a move on with it and hope for the best!

I'd think a conversation at this stage along the lines of what Gullible posted. A no to DC is never going to turn into a yes because you spent years waiting. Though before she has that conversation I'd be working out my fall back position. At 35 mine would have been going it alone and trying to find a relationship later. It was always more important to me to have DC rather than a partner. At 35 she probably doesn't have to make that decision yet, but it might help her to know which goal is more important to her. I wouldn't be setting at 35, but if she's happy to go it alone something to consider when her cut off would be. Some women still have 5+ years at 35, some women really don't. Seeing a gynaecologist for a fertility check up could be a good way of knowing more clearly what her options are and how long she can wait if not having DC is a deal breaker for her.

How old are his kids? I would be wary if I were her. You’ve said he has a lot on his plate with his ex and two children… is he really going to want to add to this? She should definitely chat to him about it.

Agree with all the posters on here. I’d be asking about it on date 2 or 3 too. You don’t have the luxury of time of waiting around to see if he wants to commit or not or if he wants kids or not. How heartbreaking to be led on for years at that age and lose your last chance to start a family.

I’m 34 and in a similar position, except I was with someone for 2.5 years (until a couple of months ago) who said the right things early on when we spoke about marriage and kids, and we moved in together but when push came to shove he said he wasn’t ready to commit! I know he’s allowed to change his mind but I do wish he had told me earlier.

I’m not currently dating as I need some time to process what happened but when I start again I will be having the conversation early on.

@Gullible2021 I completely agree with your suggestion on how to bring this up.

@jimmyjammy001

He's allready had children and been through that stage in life, I very much doubt he is going to change his mind later on and want to go through it all again, he might say yeah maybe in a couple of years but then will most likely change his mind and you will have of wasted time.

This. I have come across a couple of men when I was dating who had a trope line such as 'I'm open to the idea' to more children. It was a perfect 'keep her in line, hopeful' statement to throw at women like me (I was 36/37). This way they keep you dangling, while getting their needs net (companionship and sex). I was also sceptical how I would cope with being a blended family even if one of these men did commit and had a child with me.

Thankfully, I walked away from these dates before they went any further as I really didn't trust what they were saying and I needed guarantees (which of course they couldn't commit to). I went on to do IVF with a sperm donor and am now 13 weeks pregnant, aged 39. I feel very fortunate and am so pleased that I am no longer in that awful, anxiety ridden dating game. There's time left in life to pursue a relationship but without the time pressure to 'settle down'.

@Lostandfound86

I’m 34 and in a similar position, except I was with someone for 2.5 years (until a couple of months ago) who said the right things early on when we spoke about marriage and kids, and we moved in together but when push came to shove he said he wasn’t ready to commit! I know he’s allowed to change his mind but I do wish he had told me earlier.

I’m not currently dating as I need some time to process what happened but when I start again I will be having the conversation early on.

@Gullible2021 I completely agree with your suggestion on how to bring this up.

I'm sorry to hear that OP, it's so frustrating because men have the luxury of time and women don't. My ex husband dithered for years and I remember very well how utterly disappointed I was age having my time wasted (in retrospect) and potentially having to start again with the dating. I had the conversation early in my relationship turned divorce, he too was spouting all the right stuff but in the end he didn't want a family (either with me or at all). You can only retrospectively say someone meant what they said if it worked out in the future as you'd imagined. Nobody has a crystal ball and people are allowed to change their minds.

*at not age

I also second another poster's advice to get some preliminary fertility checks done so you know where you stand. Without it, I certainty would have wasted even more time (whether I was in a relationship or not).

When I was last dating I always made it known quite early on that I wanted to settle down and start a family. I was only 29 but I felt I was sick of wasting time and I agree at 35 it's even more important. While they might say they want the same things, watch out how they go with any hint of commitment early on. If they get skittish then get rid. They can say what ever they want but their actions usually reveal their true intentions

Oh my gosh, seven months is absolutely fine to have this talk! At 35 I wouldn't have left it as long as that to be honest. She needs to get away from the mindset where having a man, any man, is the goal and recognise that at 35 if she wants kids she shouldn't worry about scaring guys away who don't. She needs those guys to be scared off so she's free to meet someone who does want them!

I agree entirely with @romdowa, I found myself single at 28 wanting kids and recognising that with a pattern of 2-4yr relationships my whole adult life if I wasn't careful I was going to end up giving exclusivity to another guy with an expiration date if we didn't want the same things. I wanted kids and refused to commit to anyone again who wasn't completely on the same page about that. Told DH on our first date (during the 'why did your last relationship end?' chat) that I was ready for a family and planned on trying for a baby in 2-3yr if I met the right person, or potentially on my own, so that if he didn't also see kids in the relatively near future we could avoid pursuing something and wasting either of our times.

The right guy who is ready for a family and excited about kids won't be put off by a 'I'd like to have children in the nearish future', it's not 'I want your baby, stranger' just makes it very clear that any relationship with you would be heading there and if not then it's not a goer.

Your friend's fertility is a precious thing and at 35 she hasn't got time to be hanging around waiting, she needs to be very careful she doesn't get stuck dating a man who isn't going to want that with her.

The whole point of waiting is to allow time to find out whether their relationship is solid and stable enough to welcome a child. What does she expects him to say? Yes, if we keep going strong, all is well, I still feel capable of being a dad in 3 years time, I'll be happy to? How is this helping her?

What does she wants him to say? Yes, definitely, I don't want a child at this minute, but I can definitely predict that in 1 years time, I'll still be totally in love with you, I know our relationship will be perfect, all will be well with my ex and I'll feel very broody, so will definitely then want one with you?

What he is not is a man who is going to make such a decision after 7 months together. She can try to find one who will after 3 months, but frankly, that would be madness. She needs to accept that only time will tell. She still has plenty of time. If he doesn't commit in 2 years time, she can decide to leave him and consider other options.

@vivainsomnia the whole point is that it's too risky at her age to wait for 2 years if OP is serious about kids. At his age, a guy knows well before that time if he sees himself marrying and having kids with his current girlfriend in the near future

To be honest, if I was her, I wouldn't waste time with this man at all and would break up with him. It's way too risky that he won't want to have more kids since he already has 2, and it follows the horrible demise of a relationship he presumably thought would be permanent. He has had first hand experience with kids and if he really wanted a 3rd, he'd know. His response sounds half hearted / designed to wickedly string her along to keep sex, knowing full well he'd rather not have more kids (at least with her).