So tired of pretending we're a happy family

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I'm in my 60's my stepfather hated me and I was obliged to leave home very young for my own safety.
I've been having therapy for years and have a serious psychiatric condition as a result but I manage quite well, I hold down a full time job and have my own home.
The raw violence and emotional abuse was off the scale. My mother always turned a blind eye.
Now they are retired I am expected to have forgotten all this and play happy families, all of my other relatives think he is wonderful, my siblings think he is wonderful, he can do no wrong.
He has never said sorry and is prone to spiteful behaviour when nobody else is looking like offering me a nice holiday and then taking it away the week before I'm due to go, ignoring my birthday, never sending any emails or letter like he does my siblings. I don't visit, I moved hundreds of miles away so I don't have to.
My mother expects me to send a father's day card every year to "keep the peace" whatever that means, I've never disrupted the peace, it all comes from his side.
I don't want to, I could just send a bland meaningless card and carry on for another year not rocking the boat but I'm so damn sick of it all, I keep the peace normally because my siblings have no idea what went on and I don't want to ruin their happy memories. They have done nothing wrong and they don't have any idea, they were too young to remember and had a very happy childhood.
But when I think about my childhood beatings and remember being on the floor covered in my own blood and vomit I think why the fuck should I have to send him a damned card to keep the peace.
My head is totally fucked up because of this and I have unresolved anger I just cannot get rid of with medication, counselling or whatever.
Abused children are the ones who lose their families.
The family would rather sweep the whole thing under the carpet and get rid of the abused child rather than rock the boat - it's just so wrong.
I feel sick at the thought of writing another damned father's day card. he has a happy I have no family thanks to him.
A normal person would just not send the card but an abused person with mental health problems freezes when confronted with a problem like this and just goes into a tail spin.
I have no idea why I'm putting up with this any more.

I rember the first year i didn't send .y mum.a mothers say card ( both parents were abusive ) my dad wrote a abusive email.

I tnink it is fine to say to siblings - i am not asking you to take sides but it wasn't the same for me.

You will feel very empowered . Also feel free to share emails on family chat.. He is still abusive

Thanks Starlight, it's so hard still having to deal with this at my age. It just never goes away.

Could you go down the middle and say you posted one, but don't. So you know you didn't bother and they will think it got lost in the post somewhere

Honestly, I think you need to take control of your life and leave them behind. Your stepfather sounds like a piece of shit. Your mother did not protect you as a mother should have. It’s so sad that even at the age you are you are protecting him, her and your siblings to keep the peace….. that’s learned behaviour and part of the abuse…. “Accept it like a good girl, don’t rock the boat, don’t make a fuss….. you’re the problem, we’re all perfectly fine without you in the equation. Your presence makes us unhappy/abusive/uncaring. We are more important than you”

Yes your siblings are entitled to their happy memories but they are also entitled to the truth and to be given the choice to protect you now.

Having been in a toxic family relationship for 40 years I finally broke communication between myself my parents and siblings and started work on healing myself and learning how to really leave it all behind and love myself and not accept the shitty treatment I’d been accepting for years. I found an amazing counselling coach and I have spent 3 years working on ME. And I’m so glad I did. My relationship with my husband and my children is solid and loving and healthy and now I’m exploring how to reconnect with my family to see if we can build a new relationship. I’m terrified but I’m in a completely different place. One I NEVER could have ever believed I could be in 3 years ago. I know how you feel…. I also know YOU can change things.

You cannot heal in the environment in which you got sick in the first place. So get out.

IMO break away from them and then work on healing yourself. You deserve better but only you can give yourself better. You’ve waited nearly 60 years…. They aren’t going to change.

And don’t send him a Father’s Day Card.
He wasn’t your father. Step or real. He was not a father to you. So he doesn’t get one.

If your mum or he complains just ignore it. You don’t have to answer. Say ‘oh didn’t I. Must have slipped my mind’ and leave it at that.
Look up ‘grey rock’. It’s the first step.

I'm so sorry that this happend to you. He is an evil piece of shit and doesn't deserve the card or sentiment. I'd be absolutely heartbroken to think my big sister was lící g with this, in your siblings shoes... Do you think you could tell them.

Lots of love to you, what happened was not your fault and you are worthy of and deserve love. ❤️

Living with*

I wouldn’t “keep the peace” I’d rip the lie down. I wouldn’t have anything to do with him or your mother again, and I’d be very clear and factual with my siblings about why that is.

He doesn’t deserve your silence or your pretence. He abused a child. He’s a monster and everyone should know it.

I think it would help you to start telling the truth. It will be painful. It will be difficult. It will cause pain and friction in your family. But there is already pain and friction there. YOUR pain and friction. You do not need to suffer in silence anymore. You do not need to keep the peace anymore.

Tell them the truth. Tell your siblings you still want a relationship with them (of that is what you want) but you are cutting this peace of shit out of your life forever. And you will not be keeping a dignified silence anymore.

You are entitled to do whatever you want here. You have no apologies to make or obligation to hide.

I had an abusive ex. When mutual friends mentioned him I'd happily say things like 'well behind closed doors at times he scared me, called me names and even put his hands round my throat.' Nobody is all bad but he doesn't get to do things like that and then me keep it a secret with no consequences for him.

By the way I know not everyone believed me and some just thought I was being dramatic but I'm glad regardless to put it out there because it wasn't inside me eating me up then. If they didn't believe me, that's a sign that they luckily haven't experienced the devious abusiveness of someone behind closed doors.

Why are you keeping the peace for a mother who utterly, totally failed to protect you? She is not just as guilty as he was, she is worse because she is your MOTHER. There is a special hell for mothers who put their abusive partners before their children.

Are you sure that your siblings are ignorant of all this? Are you sure that it didn't also happen to them? Your stepfather is a psycho and your mother is worse - I bet they didn't stop with you. Maybe your siblings also believe they are the only ones and maybe they also have been pressured into 'keeping the peace'?

And if what you surmise is true - that your siblings had happy childhoods and don't know about this, then perhaps it is time that they did. You are their sibling and those are their parents and it is very much their business.

If they do already know yet are also happy to sweep what happened to you under the carpet, well then they are sick arseholes as well. That would be unforgivable. You would be right and justified to be very, very angry with them for that. You do not have to bend over backwards to enable their illusions of peace.

Whatever, all this is keeping you stuck in limbo because you are stuck forever putting your abusers first, and your own life and feelings second. That needs to stop.

I hear you!!

I tell people that my relationship with this person is different than their relationship. I want nothing to do with him. They can carry on with him. I don't care. The flying monkeys insist I must make Happy Families and I say, "Wanna bet?" I'll cut you out too and anyone else.

I had to find my ANGER in this. It took decades for me to get there (I am mid-50s). Finally when I didn't "send that Father's Day card" it was liberating to take back control. I wasn't questioned over it for a couple of years. He didn't even notice I had failed to send that card.

I have been NC for 25 years and the Anger shifted to Indifference almost immediately after my failure to "send that Father's Day card". He still sends cards to me - I don't open them. He wants me to take care of him in his old age (the Flying Monkeys tell me). He should have thought of that sooner. The Flying Monkeys can care for him. Our relationship ran its course a long time ago.

My hope for you is you Don't send that Father's day card and experience freedom and liberation from taking back control of your life.

Don't send that card. Is there a family WhatsApp group? If he or your mum say anything on there, be prepared to say something like, "I'm really struggling to get past how you treated me as a child and I can't see you as a father-figure. I've talked to my therapist about what happened (he will hate that) and we've agreed I shouldn't send a card."

What people like that hate is anyone shedding light on their abusive behaviour. You have your common or garden abusers, who'll hit their wives in the pub or the street, and then you have the others who do everything behind closed doors and rely on the victim to uphold the abuser's reputation. Time for that to stop.

Don't send card.
Start now and tell your mum and siblings why.
Your mum never protected you.
She should have left him not allowed you to be beaten. She is as bad as him in my eyes.
You will feel a release and empowered even if your mum and siblings Choose not to have a relationship with you. That will be their loss.
Don't live a lie anymore pretending everything ok for others peoples sake.
Life is short.
What a horrible man.
Sending you lots of hugs and support

I'm in my 60s too, but I don't have the serious issues you are having to deal with, just some minor 'crap' and some people who cause it.

What I DO have, however, is the real sense that at our age we don't have enough years left on this good Earth to live in unhappiness. In our 60s and beyond (God willing) we deserve to kick the shit off our shoes and do and have in our lives only that which lifts us up and adds to our happiness and wellbeing. And that includes family members who have treated us badly or abused us. It also includes enablers (like your mum) and deniers (like your family members).

So, you have to ask yourself if it's worth the feelings of anger, pain, and despair simply to be part of a dysfunctional 'family circle'. And how many of those feelings would disappear if you spoke your truth, cut out the poison which is your stepdad, and let the family decide which side of the fence they're going to fall on. It's a question only you can answer, possibly with the help of a good counselor.

Thanks everyone, this has been really helpful, there will be no card this year as a start.

Well done Diamond. I’m sorry for what you went through. You don’t owe them anything, and you shouldn’t have to swallow the truth of what happened and sacrifice your own peace for the sake of theirs. They don’t deserve to feel peaceful, but you do.

Look after yourself OP. I think you are doing the right thing for yourself.

I think you need to take care of your MH and find your peace. The way forward would be to cut them both out of your life. Your mother allowing the abuse and then blackmailing you in keeping up this farce, I think she is the worse out of the two. She was responsible for bringing him into your life and she was your mother. Her priority was to protect you. You probably need counselling to help you get to the stage where you can cut them off. Your peace is worth more than these abusers.

Wishing you peace OP.

Definitely don't send a card. Have as little to do with them both as possible.

Have you tried EMDR therapy by the way? It's the most evidence-based for trauma.

Go no contact, that’s what I did. And you can explain why to everyone. I did.

God op you poor thing. Child abusers deserve a special place in hell, they are monsters. Would I fuck be sending a card. Just be totally factual and honest if asked why you havent sent one. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed or guilty of.