When would be reasonable to bring this up?

[Betty5q]

Been dating DP since October last year. Things really ramped up between us in January and we started meeting regularly, every weekend and some week nights. We’ve said we love each other. It’s all really nice.

Here’s the but (there’s always a but!). He’s due to move either 250 miles south of where we are or an hour in the opposite direction, in August. He doesn’t know which yet, he’s waiting on work to confirm. He has not choice with this, he will have to go with what he is offered. If he moves an hour away it will have zero impact on us as my work is flexible, an hour isn’t far etc etc. If he moves 250 miles... well... my suggestion would be I move with him and come back to my own place for 3 nights each week so I can maintain an office presence (not obligatory but I would want to do this). I am still effectively suggesting moving in with him though aren’t it? I don’t know what else to suggest to ensure the relationship works. He absolutely will not bring this up, he’s a quiet man and inexperienced and won’t have a clue how to address something like this.

I’m just not sure what to do/when to bring it up. Especially if he doesn’t end up moving 250 miles and it ends up just being an hour away which won’t change anything. Would appreciate ideas on what to do...

I think he wouldn't move 250 miles away if he wanted to maintain a relationship with you. What line of work is he in? It's unusual for companies to relocate staff now that more people can work from hone. What do you mean he doesn't have a choice in the matter?

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe I don’t want to be outing but basically no he has no option if he wants to stay. He signed up to this months before we met and has been progressing towards it since.

I'd wait to see where he's sent to, before saying anything. But would you really want a 500 mile round trip every week, on top of work? It would always be you travelling, wouldn't it?

Yes that is you suggesting you move in together, but I don’t see what is wrong with you making the suggestion. It is a conversation that needs to happen, his response should tell you what you need to know.

To be honest, I would be wondering how much of a priority I am in this situation.

Yes just have a chat about if he moved further away would he still want to be together. If he says yes then say what will out options be for contact and then suggest that.

If he's not got the foresight or courage to bring it up he's no good to you.

I agree with PP.

You dont have to suggest moving in (whilst that might be the only/most obvious option).

I'd start with a very open dialogue of, can we talk about how we will manage our relationship moving forwards if it is option b? What would you like to happen DP? What are our options?

See where he takes it and you add in your thoughts too.

If you want a long term long distance relationship excellent communication is key. So this is a good test.

Yeah it would always be me travelling but I would do it. After years of dating I am pretty sure about him and would like to make it work.

I guess I am wondering whether it’s worth mentioning until it happens. If he only moved an hour away it’s not going to make any difference to us.

It's not great that he could potentially be moving all that way away, and he hasn't yet discussed with you what it means for the relationship. If he was keen, he'd be taking steps to ensure the relationship continues, surely?

Presumably he is hoping it will turn out to be the hour? But you'd think he would want a plan in place for if it was the very long-distance move? Sujrely he doesn't want to risk you ending things? Unless that ios what he is intending to do anyway?

I'm afraid I don't have any clear advice other than to say this does need to be discussed but am watching with interest for suggestions as I am in a really similar position except our relationship is newer. I understand it's hard suggesting big logistical changes when a relationship is quite new but think your suggestion is sensible at least for the meantime if you can comfortably afford to travel and maintain your own flat. It would be a lot of travelling though.

I know he's moving in August but when will he find out where?

Would you be expected to contribute to bills in the new house as well, even though you will have your existing place to pay for, not to mention travel costs. It sounds exhausting and punishing. It may get old fast, especially when you settle in and minor irritations come up, whilst you’re going to all this trouble. Quite an expensive prospect in all for you by the sounds of it. And I can imagine he would only gain from this situation.

Have you thought about the practical details of the above?

You will get fed up with it, the travelling and the expense and the fact that it is you who is pulling the cart all the time. But perhaps I am projecting.

If he's open to it, or can do so through work, could he WFH at yours part of the week, say, every other week so it isn't always you travelling?

Looking back on previous long distance relationships, even if you don't intend to keep score, you do start noticing if one is doing more of the travelling than the other and if it is all the time, especially if you are contributing to the bills etc at his, then you might start to wonder whether he would do the same for you.

You don't mention ages, whether you want a family etc but when you discuss this, and he wants to continue, I would look to establish an approximate point for moving in together if all goes well, rather than the 2 flats arrangement being a long term solution (unless you can afford it and are happy 'working away' a couple of nights a week).

I would definitely instigate a conversation as soon as possible. It could just be done very casually like @ cauliflowerkorma says.
Surely he has to have thought about this as well?