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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sexless relationship (hopefully temporarily!) - help

39 replies

MidnightBag · 13/06/2021 07:52

I'm a bit nervous to post about this as I'm dreading getting lots of replies saying it's not worth it and to leave, or that this kind of situation is impossible to turn round (both valid viewpoints I realise!) However I'm not comfortable sharing with anyone in real life so here goes... by the way it's a slightly long story as I want to give a true picture of how things have been.

I've been with my partner for three years, during which time we've moved in together and got engaged. We bought our house in December 2019 meaning we've only been cohabiting since just before the pandemic hit. So in the last eighteen months as well as all the moving stress we haven't had a 'normal' life, in common with everyone else. On top of that, my partner's dad died last year. He'd been unwell for some time and my partner had also been dealing with that and helping out a huge amount, basically dealing with anything and everything administrative/ financial for his mum and fielding a lot of family dramas too. A lot more to add there but basically his parents had a bit of an odd marriage and his mum has never dealt with the money side of things so that's why DP stepped in.

Long story short I think the stress has affected him physically a lot. After his dad died he was mostly just so so tired and he's had some health problems too - repeated UTIs, general aches and pains/ back problems from tension, anxiety, cholesterol and blood pressure both high, weight gain from comfort eating, utter physical exhaustion really.

His GP is very supportive and has prescribed various things to help and he's now been referred to urology to investigate that side of it. The extreme tiredness has started to lift and we're both losing weight for our health. However, our sex life is non-existent. It's nearly a year since we've managed to DTD, and I'm usually someone with a high sex drive Sad. I think all the lockdowns have been a factor in that too as we've just been cooped up together feeling a bit crap about life. The last couple of times we tried it he had ED, and I haven't wanted to add any pressure which could reinforce that and felt it was wiser to wait for him to be feeling generally better. So mostly I've left it. His GP prescribed viagra and he took one the other day but they gave him awful heart palpitations. I had my copper coil out due to side effects and can't take hormonal contraception so it's condoms only, which also hasn't helped with the ED last times we've tried it.

It's just all getting me down now tbh. I'm only in my mid thirties (he's ten years older) and I feel like we should have had lots of good and healthy years together before dealing with stuff like this, although I realise there are no guarantees in life. It's harder to feel intimate and in synch with each other without a sex life. We both want to get it back but I'm so nervous about trying and failing that I've left the ball in his court until he feels ready. I love him and he's a wonderful partner otherwise but we're meant to be planning our wedding and I'm honestly wondering if we'll be able to consummate it. Please tell me there's a way forward after a whole year of no sex. I dread to think this is it for us, even if we manage it occasionally I'm wondering if we'll never be intimate regularly. When we first met it was several times a day when together, so it's not like this was an issue from the start. But of our relationship a full third has now been sexless.

I'm sorry this is so long but needed to pour it all out somewhere. Please can I have some constructive advice. Thank you!

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 13/06/2021 12:20

You just have to remember that he might never get his mojo back, and would you be happy with a sexless relationship ?
Also, how long are you prepared to give it ?
Just don’t have regrets, be sure of your limit. Don’t regret leaving or staying.

JustAnotherOldMan · 13/06/2021 13:38

@MidnightBag
Hi, I have some experience with what your husband is going through, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2017, my Mum doesn’t drive, so I took them for MRI, radiotherapy etc when they couldn’t get hospital transport arrange for home help visits, provide emotional support etc, when it became terminal in 2018 he wished was to die at home, so I moved back in with them to help in the last few weeks of his life,
My partnership ended at the same time as she claimed I was paying my family more attention then her for the last year (probably true tbh),
It took about a year to dispose of father’s various collections (he had loads of models etc),
I probably didn’t have an erection for about 2 years, fortunately mine came back naturally, but as I was single there was no pressure to perform and I found taking more exercise helped me as well

If the urologist gave your partner a clean Bill of health then the ED is almost certainly in his head with failure as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You could try another ED medication if the viagra side affects are too much, try Lloyds pharmacy, all online,
onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/ad/treat-erectile-dysfunction?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvv-uhM2U8QIVjfjVCh39tg_1EAAYASAAEgI-wfD_BwE

Getting over ED can be hard (no pun ) medication can help with the physical effects, but as others say, he might need some professional help with the mental issues.
Final thing would be if he starts to get natural erections again, don’t go for sex too quickly, let him get mentally and physically used to getting erections again a failure to perform is tough to take

Good luck

Catipepo · 13/06/2021 14:19

I agree with PP @Thinkingthinking
I would be thinking about psychological causes and treatment for that rather than 'sticking plaster' of viagra etc and going down the route of long waiting lists for other physical health investigators that may never come to fruition.
You sounds like such a kind, caring partner.

Anothernick · 13/06/2021 14:32

@JustAnotherOldMan - well that is a revelation to me. I had no idea that a man who is in normal health could go for an extended period without getting erections. I thought that - ahem - regular release was a physical necessity just like regular peeing, though obviously less frequent. You never stop learning.....

JustAnotherOldMan · 13/06/2021 16:24

@Anothernick
That’s how is was for me, my family is about 3 hrs drive away, so stress/ worry & regular 6hr round trips combined with a relationship break down too their toll physically on me, was not in a good place mentally for quite some time, but once that period passed and I got fitter again and lost some weight, normal service resumed....

MidnightBag · 13/06/2021 21:05

Thank you @JustAnotherOldMan. I think that's what's happened here, just too much going on for too long seems to have caused a bit of a malfunction! I've thought from the start that he just needs time, but I guess I'm finding it hard to keep being patient because I get scared this is it now.
This thread has been really helpful, just feeling a bit less alone with it is nice. Thank you. Smile

OP posts:
MidnightBag · 13/06/2021 21:10

@Catipepo

I agree with PP *@Thinkingthinking* I would be thinking about psychological causes and treatment for that rather than 'sticking plaster' of viagra etc and going down the route of long waiting lists for other physical health investigators that may never come to fruition. You sounds like such a kind, caring partner.
Thanks Catipepo. I think maybe we need to look into everything we can and see what comes of it. The psychological side of it is something I find harder to approach though.
OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 13/06/2021 22:19

@MidnightBag
I can only suggest you keep checking in with him to make sure he’s coping okay, he will say “ yes, fine “, but you might have press the issue a bit over a glass of wine / beer.
Also, l know it sounds obvious but don’t forget to cuddle / spoon in bed to keep the togetherness going
Good luck

Rosieposie79 · 13/06/2021 22:28

I really sympathise with the UTIs. I have chronic cystitis and it killed my sex drive as well as leading to other health issues (anxiety, weight gain, side effects from endless antibiotics etc...). GP didn't have much to offer other than 'drink water, wash more and take anti biotics. I found d-manose has been a life changer in controlling it. I have attack twice a year now lasting 2 days at most. Previously I was pretty much continuously slightly uncomfortable.
My DH and I are starting to slowly get our sex life back now, but it has been a long road.

WeDontLikeCricket · 13/06/2021 22:29

I have been going through this for getting on 10 years now, I am 41 and DH is 13 years older. Please please please keep trying to sort things as all of a sudden its years down the line and nothing has changed. I am still in the same situation and have a thread going in relationships currently. It is not a pretty situation unfortunately and I know that the reason is because we brushed it under the carpet. It is going to be a long road for us to fix now.

Please don't let this go and do everything you can (as long as he does the same) to get back on track.

mrscurrants · 13/06/2021 22:40

@JustAnotherOldMan
Thanks for sharing your experience on this post. It's clearly a massively difficult thing for men to go through, but I think sometimes it's easy for the other person to think it might be something to do with them and that's overlooked for fear of looking selfish. Everyone wants to feel wanted. Maybe they would 'want' sex if it were with someone else. Selfish I'm sure, (and that's part of the guilt/low self esteem on both parts) but I spent a while thinking that - and it's only when I realised that wasn't the case that we could move forward and it's become a non issue.

JustAnotherOldMan · 14/06/2021 07:18

100% agree with WeDontLikeCricket (used to love 10cc), don’t let the issue just drift or another year will pass before you know it
In the short term you might want to check out the alternative ED medicines, I put the link above somewhere, to see if any have less side affects, might help as a short term kick start to get things “moving “ again

JustAnotherOldMan · 14/06/2021 08:33

@MidnightBag @mrscurrants
Just to put some context on this, I’m 51, 6ft tall okay fitness, non smoker and light drinker.
Before the ED had good sex life, the person who left me liked sex so would have been 2/3 times a week, sometimes multiple in one session, I would have been able 47/48.
The ED can on over a 6 month or so period, didn’t really worry about the 1st failure, but then 2&3fd became like a dark cloud the kinda dogs you in the bedroom.
I think my partner leaving me was actually a blessing in disguise as I didn’t really have to think about that anymore and the situation resolved itself in due course (about 2 yrs for me ), hope this helps

SerPants · 14/06/2021 12:34

When DH was badly injured (just after we got married), he was able to do very little sexually for a few years, with the possibility of this being
permanent (luckily things are gradually returning). Lots of talking, and lots of naked cuddles in bed without any pressure to go further worked for us. It helped to keep the intimacy and connection between us alive. I believe the regular skin-on-skin contact really made a difference with this, plus us both being upfront and honest about our feelings and understanding of each others' feelings. I actually think it's brought us even closer than we were before, and our sex/intimate life now is even more fulfilling than before- I never imagined that would be possible, but that's how it worked out.

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