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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friends v family

22 replies

Justrunitunderthetap · 13/06/2021 07:14

Briefly, then. My partner of 6 years and I are spending a week away with his friends at the end of July. I've had contact from my aunt to say she's hosting a surprise get-together for my uncle and she'd love us to be there. Fab! Except it's the day we travel down to the cottage where we're meeting the friends....half an hour's drive from where we're staying, coincidentally.
I explained to my partner. Put it to him that we could make a detour to the gathering, then head on down to the cottage later that day.
He reacted pretty badly. Said it would be incredibly rude of us to delay time with 'our friends'. Implied it's a massive cheek for me to even suggest it.
I told him the timing is unfortunate, but it's important to me to catch up with family I've not seen in years. He said as I've not seen them in so long, I should prioritise The Friends and honour the original plan.
I said fine, I'll go on my own and he can travel to cottage with The Friends. Reasoned I might as well extend time with family, have a couple of drinks and drive to cottage the next morning. He said curtly yes, that is the best plan.
I'm hurt he's basically snubbed me and my family in favour of friends he sees every week. Interestingly, I ran into one of them 2 days ago and he said 'I hear you're off to a party'. I told him I'd rather not be going alone and it would only have meant delaying our arrival by a few hours. He told me I have to respect the choice made.
I can't bring myself to speak to my partner about it as it will no doubt escalate. Thoughts, please.

OP posts:
pog100 · 13/06/2021 07:18

He seems to be emotionally immature and incapable of compromise?

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 13/06/2021 07:18

Why are you scared to speak to your partner? What do you mean by escalate?

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2021 07:23

Your partner is right, you should do the thing you first agreed to and not try to change plans once you’ve made them

Crowsandshivers · 13/06/2021 07:25

It is unfortunate but I can see it from both sides. I think the current arrangement is what I would have done in your situation.

Suzi9989 · 13/06/2021 07:27

Life is too short, stop trying to please others. Do what you want. You should be able to speak up and be honest.

rookiemere · 13/06/2021 07:29

I can see why your DP would be slightly irked, but he does seem to have made a real meal of it - particularly as you're now going to see your relatives without him. Sulking and being inflexible is not a great look.

MoreAloneTime · 13/06/2021 07:30

I wouldn't change my long standing plans to spend time with my in laws personally.

Justrunitunderthetap · 13/06/2021 07:32

Thanks all. It's a tough one and really shouldn't be. I genuinely thought a slight delay of a few hours to our ETA at the cottage wouldn't be that big a deal.
You're right, Pog100, he doesn't do compromise. Peanutbutteretc, he doesn't react well to changes in plan. He can't handle disappointment of any sort. I used to stand my ground and verbally fight my corner, but I don't have the energy any more. I prefer to avoid conflict.
I also see his side of it, but I know if the boot was on the other foot, I'd support the detour. He's always 'family first' about his own family, but has now extended that to his friends.

OP posts:
Livandme · 13/06/2021 07:35

If you are meant to be spending a week with his friends, he can give you a day of his time to spend with your family.
It's not a detour, it's close by. I think he's selfish.

rookiemere · 13/06/2021 07:37

I didn't pick up in first reading, but the worst bit is that you're frightened to discuss this with him.
If this situation arose with DH he might be a little annoyed at first, but as soon as we'd reached a compromise he'd be perfectly happy and the matter would be over. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was angry with me for having my own family and life.

NCtitleofyoursextape · 13/06/2021 07:43

I think if it was a night or a weekend with his friends this might be tricky but you are going g to be spending a week with them so it’s a no brainer, of course you go. However I’d personally prefer the compromise you’ve chosen so that I didn’t have to rush and could take time to enjoy seeing everyone, you don’t really need your partner there, abd I can sort of understand him not wanting to change his own holiday plans for your uncles party. However he should definitely not be stropping out about your perfectly reasonable compromise to go without him.

Justrunitunderthetap · 13/06/2021 07:44

Rookiemere: spot on. I have a feeling I won't be driving to the cottage at all after seeing my family, leaving him to enjoy the rest of the week with his buddies. Thanks again all, all points noted & appreciated.

OP posts:
MoreAloneTime · 13/06/2021 07:48

The being too scared to discuss is a lot more concerning

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 13/06/2021 08:11

He's always 'family first' about his own family, but has now extended that to his friends. so what he really means is him first. Hmm

His friend sounds like an arsehole too. Don’t think I’d fancy spending the week with him.

How is your OH behaving with you at the moment?

Justrunitunderthetap · 13/06/2021 08:14

MoreAloneTime: I hear you. I'm getting myself in knots about it, to the point where I'm starting to think it's just me being weak or making more of it than I should.
NCtitle: that just about sums-up my thinking.

OP posts:
Justrunitunderthetap · 13/06/2021 08:16

Peanutbutter:
'His friend sounds like an arsehole too' Grin Ha ha! Made me chuckle.

OP posts:
Justrunitunderthetap · 13/06/2021 08:20

Peanutbutter: OH being frosty, clipped tones, civil....long protracted silences. We need a storm to break the atmosphere. I'm not tip-toeing round him, but he's not making it easy for me to open up. I feel like it's an endurance test to see who cracks first. I'm going to tackle him today.

OP posts:
Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 13/06/2021 08:28

It really does seem like a small thing for him to give you this much drama about. Sounds exhausting op.

Booboobadoo · 13/06/2021 08:36

You have a whole week with his friends. If I was one of his friends I would think it totally reasonable that you arrive later that night or the following day, just you or both you and OH. However, you saying that you're afraid to talk about it with him is really worrying.

WimpoleHat · 13/06/2021 08:43

He's always 'family first' about his own family, but has now extended that to his friends.

Or put another way, it’s all about him in all circumstances. Yes, it’d be rude if you were massively truncating the holiday you’d booked with other people - but just arriving a little later, with prior notice, is fine. When you go on holiday for a week with these friends, presumably you don’t spend 24/7 in each other’s company, so what’s the problem with a detour to the cottage? They can get there when they choose and bag the best room or whatever. Doesn’t seem like a problem at all. Your partner’s reaction, however, does. Seems very controlling and inflexible.

Sakurami · 13/06/2021 09:18

If you were my friend I would totally understand especially as we would be spending the week together.

Not sure I could stay with someone so selfish. In fact I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. And his friend sounds like a jerk too.

Justrunitunderthetap · 13/06/2021 19:27

I just calmly tackled OH about it, used some of the well-made points in the answers I've had, thank you all. Went about it in a reasonable, non-confrontational way. Decided to throw in that the unpredictability of his reactions makes it hard for me to communicate. He's gone off in a huff. Well, didn't see that coming. Guffaw. Thanks again for your support, folks. Case closed.

OP posts:
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