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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How long did it take you to get over a break up when they cheated

23 replies

Dermy777 · 12/06/2021 22:12

For those of you that was together a long time and they cheated on you, how long did it take you to get over it?
I’m 5 months in and it feels like I’ll forever feel this way. We share children so I have to see him on average 2-3 times and because of the children I have kept it very amicable but it’s so hard having to see him living his best life and also know that the OW is playing mummy with my young children.

OP posts:

Sideorderofchips · 12/06/2021 22:19

Tbh I don't think I'll ever get over it

Thankfully his ow isn't allowed near my kids and he agrees with that so at least I don't have that hassle

Maze76 · 12/06/2021 23:05

I don’t have children, I have to share a home with him until we sort financials and sell up- and he’s goes to his girlfriends every Saturday. I’ll never get over it, but I know I will NEVER allow myself to be taken in again .
Also, the cheater feels great now because he/ she are on a high, but that will fade in time, and your feelings towards him will also change.

SuperSugar · 12/06/2021 23:07

Never got over it. Wouldn't trust another soul again.

Mixitupalot · 12/06/2021 23:12

Honestly I’ve never gotten over it, I am 14years on and although it no longer hurts me. I still think about it often.

Fireflygal · 12/06/2021 23:42

Like others say its something that stays with you as you lose faith in people. Perhaps that's a good thing as I know I've had to toughen up. You will be wiser after this.

I imagine ex and ow are in a honeymoon phase but a relationship started on deceit and at the expense of your unhappiness will never be healthy. Over time you will see/hear of cracks in their relationship, he may even try to moan about her to you. The bliss of looking after the dc will fade...pop over to the step parents board and see the challenges that blending causes, it will not be plain sailing.

Accept that your feelings of hurt and betrayal are valid and be kind to yourself.

Fireandflames666 · 13/06/2021 06:24

It's been four years for me and I'm still reeling, it's destroyed my faith in people and left me with terrible ptsd.

everyonebutme · 13/06/2021 06:28

It's like grief and you go through stages. For me, 10 years on, I've accepted it and have moved on in my own life. But I'm still angry that he broke up our family unit and about the deceit. And it still makes me sad that my children (who are now adults) had to go through it. And I will never trust someone 100% again.

isthismylifenow · 13/06/2021 06:35

About 4 years before that dark cloud lifted, but as others said, it's done a permanent number on me as I have zero trust.

We were together for 28 years.

Snowdrop30 · 13/06/2021 07:27

I was cheated on when I was much, much younger, without marriage, kids etc. I still have nightmares about it now and then and it was, what, 25 years ago? It certainly makes you much more guarded and reluctant to rely on anyone - I was with DH for 8 years before I trusted him enough to get married. That sort of thing does so much damage.

feeficken · 13/06/2021 10:05

@Maze76

I don’t have children, I have to share a home with him until we sort financials and sell up- and he’s goes to his girlfriends every Saturday. I’ll never get over it, but I know I will NEVER allow myself to be taken in again . Also, the cheater feels great now because he/ she are on a high, but that will fade in time, and your feelings towards him will also change.

I have adult children but feel the same that I’ll never get over it, I have no doubt it will get easier and my feeling will change. Like @Maze76 I’m sharing a house with my wife while she dating OM and it’s hell and think it’s only going to add to length of time it will take to be able to move on.

Marineboy67 · 13/06/2021 11:22

Unfortunately I don't think it ever entirely leaves you. You just become better equipped to deal with it and not let it endlessly consume your thoughts.
When you've experienced a cheating partner it certainly affects future relationships. I tend to withhold a part of myself in a relationship now even though the other person is completely different. When you've seen it happen you know it can happen.

Original poster

Dermy777 · 13/06/2021 11:38

Wow I’m really surprised by all of these replies, thought there would be more positive stories out there

OP posts:

Sideorderofchips · 13/06/2021 20:38

Sadly when your trust is so completely betrayed it isn't something you cna truly get over.

In my case it was my supposed best mate 'supporting me' whilst fucking him behind my back. Now she goes round telling everyone what a supportive partner she is to him and what a bitch I was to him.

And the kids hate her and refuse to see her.

Pewpew · 13/06/2021 20:42

@Maze76

I don’t have children, I have to share a home with him until we sort financials and sell up- and he’s goes to his girlfriends every Saturday. I’ll never get over it, but I know I will NEVER allow myself to be taken in again . Also, the cheater feels great now because he/ she are on a high, but that will fade in time, and your feelings towards him will also change.

I’m guessing you have no other choice? That must be hell.

DumpyDonkey · 13/06/2021 20:46

Probably 2 years (was together for 13).

He left in a very dramatic way.

Good thing is I haven't have to see him in about 6 years. I rarely think about him.

His loss.

Mulberry974 · 13/06/2021 21:42

I'm four years on since my husband cheated and I'm massively happier than I was. I don't think I shall ever be over it completely. I've moved on a lot but not sure when I will ever trust anyone again. I'm aware that lots of other people deal with things easier than I have though.

TheUnquestionedAnswer · 13/06/2021 21:55

Probably about 2 years. Never ever thought I would get over it though. Best thing that happened, when I look back. It's different for everyone though, as it depends on the state of the marriage/relationship. I never trusted mine and was waiting for it to happen and it did.

Dazedandconfused10 · 13/06/2021 22:14

About a year, as far as I am concerned the marriage and relationship never happened. I still whole heartedly believe people are good and will never not trust someone until they give a reason not to.

litterbird · 13/06/2021 22:15

It took about 4 years to feel anywhere near normal and now its 6 years on. I will never trust again. I am in a good relationship now but sadly I will never fully trust or give myself to someone 100% again. However, somehow that makes me feel stronger and better within my current relationship. I think that is because I take the relationship 24 hours at a time, live in the moment, as the break up due to cheating was so horrendous with hidden lies I believe if he could do it then anyone can just pull the rug from me at any given time. So now.....I just enjoy the moment...if its not there tomorrow...I will survive another day.

Apricot10 · 13/06/2021 23:29

I have just started to feel a little better nearly 2 years on. I still think about the betrayal most days, but it doesn't drag me down like it did in the beginning. The OW sees my kids every other weekend now, so she gets my family time which is a bitter pill to swallow. But like others have said I am fully prepared to never be fully over it. It happened to my mum over 30 years ago and she never really got over it either.
I think you just learn to live with it but you do move on, and you can and will be happy.

WouldBeGood · 13/06/2021 23:34

My life is really much better now, six years on, and I have a lovely new DP, but I don’t think I’ll ever truly be over it.

It’s like grief for my lost future, and that of my DCs.

JaceLancs · 13/06/2021 23:42

It took years for it to bother me less - it was so gradual I can’t say how many
Then next stage was I just didn’t even think of him bad or good
Now 25 years on I can’t even rustle up any emotion - it’s like it never happened
I really am living my best life - he doesn’t feature in it - I’m happy proud and confident in myself (apparently he envies me)

Mermaidwaves · 13/06/2021 23:43

I'm so sorry for the folk here who have experienced this. I'm still going through stages of grief and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I cried at work today and genuinely wonder if I will ever feel myself again. I'm nearly two years separated and have been like a crazy person since.

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