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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever had somebody determined that you're their enemy?!? How did you handle it?

26 replies

StayCalm99 · 12/06/2021 12:57

In a group I have every right to be in, one woman is so lovely to everybody else but as cold as ice to me and often doles out a passive aggressive dig. I will admit that this nonsense is in a whatsapp group and I don't contribute too much, but I don't want to leave it either as the other people in the group are important to me and I am not going to just give up on a group of people I like because one woman has decided she hates me Confused
I haven't done anything to upset her and certainly nothing that would be proportionate to the level of iciness she has blasted at me for the last year and a half.

She told me once that she didn't go to her school reunion because she went to an all girls school, but i am no threat to her because I'm literally the opposite. I'm not trying to win the approval of any of the men, I want the group to be a cohesive group where everybody is comfortable. But this woman acts like I'm something she has to endure. She needs an enemy I think.

I'm her enemy apparently. Is there a way to step out of that role? I've not once reacted to her treating me like a ghost. Never challenged her on it. It does bother me less than it used to and every time she's a bitch to me, I feel, omg, you're a mess (on the inside) so I'm coping ok, Just really curious to know how others dealt with being cast in the role of somebody's enemy.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 12/06/2021 13:14

I think you need to strike the right balance between seeming bored by her behaviour but also not tolerating it. So for example practice saying 'do not speak to me like that, I don't appreciate it' as and when required.

Also if she says something passive aggressive infront of ppl then reply 'Well that was passive aggressive' (in a calm but 'wtf' kind of tone). Let other people see that someone is speaking out about her bs. Because the chances are they are feeling 'that's not ok' about things she says but just don't want to rock the boat by calling her on it. Even just rolling your eyes or an eye roll emoji reply online.

Otherwise just try to avoid her as much as possible.

Ceriane · 12/06/2021 13:22

I had a woman at work who was like this towards me for no reason that I’m aware of. It really used to get to me. I just acted like I didn’t notice or care, and just spoke to her like I would anyone else regardless of how nasty she was. I basically took no notice, and thought she’ll either start to realise I’m nice and she’s got me all wrong, or if not, I don’t really care what she thinks. Her problem, not mine. I think in the end she just felt guilty.

VettiyaIruken · 12/06/2021 13:26

I've had a couple of people over the years.

I ignore. It winds someone up a LOT if you care so little that you don't even notice they're in the room, much less listen to whatever they're saying.

thelegohooverer · 12/06/2021 13:27

Can you ask her about it face to face? I did this once with a work colleague who kept making PA digs. I asked her if I’d done something to offend her, and told her never to worry about misunderstandings because I would tell her straight to her face if I have a problem with something.
I was being very genuine, because I was concerned that I had upset her. I later discovered that she had form for picking on new staff like that. She never tried it with me again.
The best way to deal with passive aggression is to call it out, but it’s much more effective to do these things privately if the person thrives on having an audience.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/06/2021 13:28

That was my SIL, which is why she is referred to here as PoisonousSIL.

You can only choose to ignore it, I think.

GloriousMystery · 12/06/2021 13:29

Can you give an example of what exactly it is she is saying on the WhatsApp group to make you feel her behaviour towards you is so specific and negative? I just find it difficult to see how someone could convey this level of 'icy' negativity and that they consider you an enemy in a WhatsApp group without looking positively psychotic.

Daisylg · 12/06/2021 13:32

I feel like it’s a typical bullying type of person who does this expecting to get away with it. They genuinely think they have the right to make people feel uncomfortable etc. Then when you come out and say ‘ excuse me is there a problem here because being on the receiving end of your frosty attitude is wearing thin’ and watch the panic in her, back peddling telling you how amazing she actually thinks you are Envy zzzzz!

Oblomov21 · 12/06/2021 13:33

You either ignore it, or call her on it.
I'd prefer the later. Say it to her openly on the WhatsApp group, in front of everyone:
"Is there a reason unbeknown to me why you always ....."

Iknowtheanswer · 12/06/2021 13:35

One of the mums in DS1's year group at school. She spoke to me a few times in Reception, then by Year1 had decided that I was an enemy.

I first realised when she blanked me at the local swimming pool - we were the only two people in the changing room and she actually turned her back on me when I said hello.

She spent the rest of primary school pretending I didn't exist, to the point where she'd actually walk into me, rather than around me. I had to be careful walking past her house, because she'd drive out as if she couldn't see me.

I went up to her a few times asking her what was wrong, as we were still at parties together etc. She just looked through me.

Was very weird, no one else at school could work it out either.

As I say, I tried to talk to her (rather get things out in the open, not worried about confrontation), and then just decided to carry on and ignore her. If suggest you do the same.

IsolaPribby · 12/06/2021 13:35

I don't understand the context of the school she went to? How is it relevant that she went to an all girls school?

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/06/2021 13:38

@IsolaPribby

I don't understand the context of the school she went to? How is it relevant that she went to an all girls school?
I wondered this too. How are you the "literally the opposite"?
RealMermaid · 12/06/2021 13:38

Can you act like you think she's joking when she makes these comments? Lol, laughing emojis etc? I suspect she won't know how to handle that and it might encourage her to stop as ultimately she'll just look daft.

Bryonyshcmyony · 12/06/2021 13:39

Ignore. Anything else will make you look like a dick tbh.

HollowTalk · 12/06/2021 13:41

I wondered about the school reunion whether she felt she got on better with men and disliked women?

sherrystrull · 12/06/2021 13:44

I understand.

Ignore, be overly friendly back when forced to interact and don't show her she's bothering you. Pretend she barely registers on your radar.

Thatswatshesaid · 12/06/2021 13:50

This has happened to me twice. One was a young attractive girl at work (so definitely not jealously) and one is a close friend who I think is annoyed that I have been very lucky financially in life and she hasn’t.
With the young girl at work I killed it with kindness, I thought it was hilarious to be a nice as I could to her. Everyone knew the dynamic and TBH it was a bit of a joke at her expense. The thing was it worked and she actually started being much nicer.
With my close friend she still does it, I ignore it because I feel sorry for her. She has a complicated life and has suffered lots of set backs.

Original poster
StayCalm99 · 12/06/2021 15:14

Thanks for the replies. I have mulled over so many responses in the past but unfortunately yes I always come back to realising that I can do nothing. When I said I'm the opposite I meant that I value women's friendship more highly (than men's). All of the people close to me in my life are women. I'm not the type of woman who doesn't get on with women, so, this is annoying. It feels like a failure on an emotional level, even though rationally I know that whatever I did to trigger this would have been overlooked or long forgotten from the rest of the group.

I did once upon a time think this woman and I could be friends. There are things I admire about her, she's very outgoing, outspoken, opinionated. She seemed so brave and fearless to me (once upon a time) but now that i've seen how to behaves to me, I can no longer see her as brave. Because if my existence threatens her in a group Confused well........... I have faced bigger lions and tigers than one person in a group who doesn't like me.

The last time we were all together, I was happy, maybe noticeably more confident or less anxious than she remembered me being? I was chatting to everybody and I was nice to her. Not in a fake way because that was before she really ramped up the ice cold you're a ghost to me routine.

I think, I made a supportive comment about a short speech she made and I think, as bonkers as this sounds, she was insulted that I saw fit to approve of what she'd said. I know that that sounds crazy. But I think I pissed her off by approving of her, when it is her role to disapprove of me. Oh God, I know that that sounds insane written down.

@Thatswatshesaid I wish others saw the dynamic

OP posts:
Original poster
StayCalm99 · 12/06/2021 15:17

@sherrystrull

I understand.

Ignore, be overly friendly back when forced to interact and don't show her she's bothering you. Pretend she barely registers on your radar.

After thinking about it and around it and under it and over it for a year and a half, this is the only solution I can come up with.
OP posts:
Original poster
StayCalm99 · 12/06/2021 15:18

@IsolaPribby

I don't understand the context of the school she went to? How is it relevant that she went to an all girls school?
What's relevant is that she had no interest in going to their reunion because it wasn't a mixed school. She said that. I was kinda surprised at the time.
OP posts:
GloriousMystery · 12/06/2021 15:38

She seemed so brave and fearless to me (once upon a time) but now that i've seen how to behaves to me, I can no longer see her as brave. Because if my existence threatens her in a group confused well........... I have faced bigger lions and tigers than one person in a group who doesn't like me.

That's why I was asking for examples of things she's actually said in the group chat. It just seems weirdly arbitrary to decide she's threatened by you. From what you say she's a straightforward, vocal, opinionated type -- maybe she simply doesn't like you and doesn't feel the need to hide it, as some more socially-timid types do?

That obviously doesn't make it any more pleasant for you, of course, but in practice, we all come into contact regularly with people we dislike -- but many or most women tend to conceal the dislike if the person is a member of a group they socialise in unless it's a collective dislike. I mean, you don't like her either, but you are going to a lot of trouble to hide it, and are being advised to keep doing so, or to go all out and be effusively nice to her. She's just not doing that bit.

What outcome do you want? Do you want to have it out, or just for her to maintain a surface friendliness in the group chat?

Umberellatheweatha · 12/06/2021 16:30

She isn't brave she is just entitled. Entitled people believe they can have everything they want so have no fear.

She is your standard narcissist and it's nothing to do with women not liking other women. She us disordered in her way of thinking and views you as the competition. Her reaction of being insulted by your kindness is to make you feel like she is queen and you are just so beneath her. I'd be careful, she means you harm. Her sort do all they can to destroy their competition. And she most definately sees you as that.

Original poster
StayCalm99 · 12/06/2021 16:44

A person knows if they're being ignored. Im not left in any doubt.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayCalm99 · 12/06/2021 16:47

@Umberellatheweatharella yes, you've obviously experienced this. Im not competitive but she does view me as competition. Any moment that people are talking to me, they arent talking to her. Others in the group may validate her or look up to her but I serve no purpose and she cant just "let me be"

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 12/06/2021 17:19

Ignore or repeat her outbursts e.g if she says I don’t like A, respond with ‘its a shame you don’t like A’. Essentially, you’re forcing her to defend her outbursts and the dialogue will be harder for others to ignore.

Ceriane · 12/06/2021 18:57

Honestly OP, take no notice! The problem is with her. I’m sure you have enough friends! I had a young, full of herself girl who was a good 10 years younger than me be exactly the same (after the original bitchy woman poisoned her mind) I used to take glee in being overly nice to her and telling her to have a lovely lovely weekend! I’m sure she thought I was too thick to realise she didn’t like me, but I didn’t care, as plenty of people do and I know I’m alright!

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