Bad counsellors

[WondrousAcorn]

I’ve posted on here before (under other names) about my experience of couples therapy with a terrible counsellor. Always in response to other people’s threads, and I was about to do the same again before thinking it wasn’t really fair on the OP. I’d be interested to hear if anyone has had similar experiences.

This happened to me in couples counselling about ten years ago now, and I still feel angry, demeaned and powerless when I think about it. I have actually had counselling about the counselling since!

I was referred to couples counselling with an NHS therapist, which is apparently very hard to come by. The therapist came very highly recommended by the referring colleague too (she was not only a counsellor, but studying for higher qualifications and undertaking research in the subject), and I think it was these factors that meant I kept going with the sessions until the bitter end - we were so lucky to be seeing this person!

There were some warning signs from the beginning: she talked a lot about herself and casually dismissed things I said. Eg I once said my partner never paid me compliments, and she said it was tiring to be with someone always looking for them. Nothing either of us had said would have suggested I was such a person. She used examples of hardship from her own life to dismiss things I said. One one occasion she gave us an inspirational saying, which my partner liked. I said it didn’t make much sense to me, and she got quite cross, saying he got it and I didn’t.

The worst - and the thing I still can’t get over - is that in one awful session I got upset and she immediately became very upset herself, saying she felt unsafe around me and had a right to work without being bullied or endangered. This was in response to me getting angry (raised voice, upset - surely I’m not the first in this sort of setting?), NOT physically threatening, not being verbally abusive, not making aggressive gestures or leaving my chair. My partner used this as evidence of how dreadful I was after. I was just so ashamed that I gave in and went along with everything that was said after that.

I felt they were a team against me.

Interestingly, she left her job very suddenly, citing the fact she was being bullied by colleagues. She did make time to tell me in our last session that my happiness at finding a new job wouldn’t last.

I feel so disappointed with myself that I never complained (we filled out a feedback form each in the last session, but she sat watching us complete it so I gave a glowing review) - disagreeing in the session got me marked as an aggressor, but I should have complained to the NHS. I also should have realised how counterproductive it all was ( the therapy became another flashpoint in our relationship because my partner saw it as me not liking to be told some home truths) and given it up. But I’m also left with the dreadful doubt that maybe she was right. Maybe she is the one person who has really ‘seen’ me for what I am.

Not sure what I’m hoping to achieve with this thread, but I wanted to get it out there. I’ve had other counselling over the years, and it has been completely different, but I can’t quite put this experience to rest.

Sounds awful OP. I had an experience with a counsellor where they spoke about themselves a lot, drew comparisons with themselves, drank wine in one session, told me how young I looked for my age...the impact was not good as my counselor was male.

Having counselling with a more professional counsellor has helped, I am now over it. Perhaps that might be something you could consider?

Sorry for your experiences OP. She sounds incompetent, inappropriate and bullying too. Tbh, it sounds like she had issues of her own. I don't she should have been anywhere near a counselling office.

I have had therapy, and my therapist said it was okay for me to express anger and to be upset within the sessions.

It's important to remember that the way she behaved reflected on her and not on you, and to try and separate your sense of self from her and this situation. It sounds like she was unable to deal with emotions in other people, and lacked the capacity to validate or mirror your feelings. Remind yourself that she could not show you who you were, only who she was.

Counselling is a time when people open themselves up more and are naturally more vulnerable as a result. The counsellor or therapist does have a certain position of power and responsibility. So please don't be too harsh on yourself that it had an effect on you.

It sounds like she attempted to shame you for having normal feelings, when counselling should be a place where feelings are felt and accepted. She is the one that should feel ashamed here and not you. You could imagine giving that shame back to her, where it belongs.

I found this video really helpful. It's not about about counselling situations specifically, so everything might not apply. But I found it great for dealing with belittling behaviour in general:
www.thedailypositive.com/belittling-and-condescending-people/

Sounds dreadful. Im not sure how I would put it to bed either. Chalk it up to experience and move on?

People revert to quite a passive mode when with psychotherapists. That's not surprising, but it stops you seeing that you get as many bad ones as you get poor GPs and teachers and any other professionals.

I've seen 6 or 7 therapists over the years. Some for just one or two sessions while I've made up my mind. And others for a year or so.

I think Relate is probably quite dodgy. My ex and I only had one meeting with one male therapist and he wandered off point talking about patients making complaints and how it was usually the partner "who had got dumped" who made the complaint. My ex and I were gobsmacked - the word 'dumped' suggested such shame and violence. Why would a therapist use such a word in such a context?

I had a very nice older lady for a few sessions, but after one where she spent 5 - 7 minutes on an old boyfriend anecdote I thought - I've just paid for that story - that I didn't want to hear. So I packed her in.

A good therapist ALWAYS keeps themselves out of the room. They are always on your side. The only thing you did wrong was to not sending her packing.

Some of them can be quite nuts. I saw one for a couple of sessions and she wanted to introduce me to this face tapping practice. I told her later in an email, very nicely, that I did not want to use this technique. The next time I saw her and got a bit a tearful she tried to make me start the face tapping. I actually got rather annoyed and said "I told you I didn't want to do that" - she looked totally affronted - I mean really affronted.

But I felt really good that I had stood my ground. However that comes with having a lot of different experiences. Most people in their first encounter don't understand it should be all about them and they have the power. The therapist is a guide. If they make you feel crap - bin them and look for another until you find one that fits. It's always worth shopping around and why sometimes NHS is not always the best - you tend to stay with what you are given - feeling grateful. Though TBF I have had an excellent therapist on the NHS.

I have never had couples therapy apart from that one session, but she sounds awful. To burst into tears and make it all about her - so manipulative. I'm afraid you likely got a very unbalanced individual. There's probably more to this than you know re' her leaving. I would write a letter of complaint - I think you need individual therapy to get over this - I'm not kidding. I think they will jump to make it up to you.

I have a very low opinion of the therapy field having encountered so many bad therapists. I was a PhD student briefly in a counseling field and realized most of my fellow students were really only in it to solve their own problems. I quit that program.

One story: My parents went to couples counseling because my dad was cheating and they were arguing a lot. The therapist said my dad was entitled to have a mistress because he deserved it as the sole high income breadwinner of the family. Mother just needed to accept it.

To be fair, I had one really good general all purpose therapist once. She was extraordinary.
And I saw a specialist for Body Dysmorphia and that one was quite good, too.

But the list of bad ones is long.

The list of bad counsellors and therapists is long because the “profession” I believe, isn’t under a statutory regulation. Anyone can say they are a counsellor or therapist or whatever they want to call themselves - and sell you snake oil.

Many years ago I did couples counselling. I ended up attending a session on my own as my OH got held up at work. I did one of the single most stupid things of my life and tearfully disclosed a traumatic childhood incident (first time I'd ever told anyone). Despite the glaring relationship issues (later transpired that OH was cheating but was excellent at putting on a performance in the sessions and making me out to be unhinged) she convinced me to tell him and in one foul swoop cemented the huge power imbalance in our relationship. We split up eventually as he became increasingly abusive but he still delights in having this hold over me and has on many occasions threatened to use it vindictively/ publicly to manipulate/ undermine me. Huge professional misjudgement by the counsellor with long lasting consequences for me of re traumatisation. Between the two of them my trust in anyone has been hugely eroded. I will never make myself that vulnerable to anyone again. 😥

@regretsihave

That's dreadful regret. I'm so sorry. I think there are many people who have had bad experiences with counsellors.

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