I don't have anyone to talk to IRL about this and really need to get things off my chest.
Im at breaking point. I've been feeling the strain of parenting my gorgeous but active toddler. She is very attached to me and is stuck to my hip all day every day (its just a phase and no doubt I'll miss the cuddles when she realises I'm not that amazing, but it's full on for me right now) DH is a great dad but DD is all about me at the moment.
DH is also going through a tough time, has felt suicidal and gone through some very depressive periods alongside some major bereavements. However he has just entered counselling and is on medication. I hugely admire the way in which he has taken steps to help improve his mental health.
While I try not to show it, his mental health has had an impact on my own. I feel like I can't say I'm feeling down or that I'm tired etc.. as he is shouldering the bigger load at the moment.
Today I felt like I couldn't keep going. An old injury flared up, everything that could go wrong went wrong in the house and with DD. I was tired, in pain and mentally drained. DH came home and the place was a state which really doesn't help his MH. I'll admit it's something I need to work on. I'm a naturally messy person, I clean amazingly but I just don't see clutter. It's a constant source of tension between us and pretty much the only thing we argue about. DH made a joke about it when he came in and I said please don't joke as I've had such a tough day and my mental health is pretty low.
Later on I realised we were out of Fanta. He drinks litres of the stuff and nearly always need to get some whenever we go to the shop. I mentioned it to him that I never thought of it even though I popped into the supermarket and I'd go again while he put DD to bed. He said why didn't I check the fridge before I left. I explained I hadn't intended to go to the supermarket I just happened to pass it on the way back from another errand and grabbed an ingredient for dinner, told him I'd go get some more now. He got annoyed and there was some back and forth about why I didn't get it. I said I had a tough day and he replied "that doesn't excuse you from not checking the fridge before you left". I dropped the issue but I was very hurt. I wanted to scream at him. Yes he has it tough but so do I and I can't get it right all of the time. I carry the mental load of everything to do with DD - food, clothing, childcare, medical needs, everything. I wasn't born with the inate knowledge of how to give a nutritional balanced diet to a toddler, I put time and effort into finding out. I didn't arrive on this earth knowing her vaccine schedule, what are choking hazards, what foods she needs to avoid, how to baby proof a house, how to soothe teething gums, how to sterilise a dummy, what techniques to use to help her sleep better etc etc. I don't mind carrying that load but don't get the hump if God forbid I forget to get fucking fanta after a shit show of a day. To be honest, the fact me and DD were in one piece at the end of the day felt like a win to me.
Tried to bring it up with him now, explained I was hurt by his comment and I had a tough day. He said we all have tough days, but then baby woke up and he is gone to bed with her. End of discussion
I'm just so so fed up. I feel like I have a weight over me all the time. I can't bring up anything without it turning into an argument. He isn't violent or controlling, I don't believe it to be abusive but just childish. I wish I could just get angry and curse him out it when he is rude and for him to rush to apologise like every bloody comedy sketch I hear about marriage. But that will never happen
Wow what an essay. To be honest I'm not even looking for advice just to vent so thanks for getting this far!