Introducing new bf to kids - the fear

[Annabellerina]

I'm stuck at a crossroads and could do with some advice from the wise women on here.

I've been divorced 4 years, separated slightly longer. These past few years have been all about survival and recovery and meeting my (primary aged) kids needs. We moved away from my abusive ex to the next town for a fresh start. My eldest is about to start play therapy, organised privately by me, because she has some anxiety/anger. She has made new friends in the new area, keeps in touch with old friends in the old area. She sees her cousins and her grandparents regularly. She is doing brilliantly at school. I would say she's doing as ok as I can possibly expect given what she's been through. My youngest is thriving. He also has new and old friends, and is a happy, cheerful little thing. They've just started seeing their dad consistently every other weekend as he seems to have settled down and made some changes in his life. Before that they were seeing him inconsistently. I'm very focused on them and their needs and wellbeing.

In the meantime I have dated on and off, never seriously, just adhoc company and sex when I've had some free time. Recently I started to feel like I could now focus a little more on me. I would like some support and someone that's got my back. I would like a healthy relationship that provides my kids with a good example. I've done the freedom programme and freedom plus and I've had some counselling. I feel like I personally am in a good space.

In the last few months I have been dating a guy who I really like. He says he is in love with me and would like to be a bigger part of my life. He wants to see me more, support me and see where things go. He doesn't have children but is divorced. He is very kind, communicates well, is clear about what he wants and is clear about what he has learned from his marriage. I like him a lot. Yet when I think about the possibility of introducing him to my kids, family and friends, I freak out. I can't imagine it happening, I think the worst. I imagine my kids hating him and him not coping with my kids. I imagine my friends and family judging him and giving me their negative opinions. I'm avoiding the whole topic because of these thoughts.

I would love nothing more than to have a partner who gets along with my kids and who my kids really like. I want someone by my side in life. I'm just frozen with fear for something going wrong when so much has already gone wrong in mine and my kids lives. Please can you all talk me through this?

My DD told me when I got divorced that I wasn’t allowed a boyfriend. She was only 7 and I just did a “nod and smile”. When I met OH I kept it just me and him for 9 months. Then introduced him as “mums friend” and we met him when out now and then , I let DD know I was out with him on weekends when she wasn’t home. Eventually I let her know he was my boyfriend (we’d been together about 18 months). She is pleased for me. To be fair there’s no blending families going on which makes it easy. When I have DD we still do kid stuff and OH sometimes joins for lunch or dinner but I never do adult boyfriend focussed things when I have DD. He is coming on holiday with us this summer…. I’m taking my camper and he’s taking his. DD says the more the merrier! He will probably join us for lots of activities but I expect him to take himself off now and then (possible with my dog) for some peace. It really helps that all 3 of us like time alone now and then!

That sounds ideal @peace43 were you worried about introducing them especially as she had been so clear about you not dating?

@Annabellerina

I'm leaning towards keeping them separate indefinitely but then a small part of me thinks, is this my irrational fear talking? Could I be putting up a barrier to something potentially very good? My friend says his life was enhanced massively by his stepdad and thinks I am acting out of fear.

My DC (12,16 and 23) met mine after about three months. I go with my gut because ultimately I am the one who knows the person I am dealing with.

Anyone else got any words of wisdom? Surely there's a middle ground between keeping my kids away from any potential partners indefinitely (and by default lying to my kids) and moving someone in immediately.

You don’t need to lie to them, just say you are seeing a friend and then boyfriend. They don’t need to mix.

I don't know about your kids but mine would not be satisfied with "I'm seeing my boyfriend" without wanting to know every detail and being allowed to come along!

@Annabellerina

I don't know about your kids but mine would not be satisfied with "I'm seeing my boyfriend" without wanting to know every detail and being allowed to come along!

Mine were like this. I just told them tjat mummy is allowed time off.

Believe me, mine would've come everywhere with me but we all need space.

It's happening again now because mine don't want to stay overnight with their dad any more. And I have two teen boys at home all day every day.

You do have to learn to be creative with your truth. It's not lying, it's telling them what they need to know, that is age and stage relative.

Given that you have no intention of introducing the children to him in the immediate future, why are you worrying about it now? It's early days. Maybe see how you feel if you're still with him in six months..?

I introduced my children (15 and 11) to DP at around nine months in. I had spoken about him before that although they seemed fairly disinterested.

It doesn't have to be the disaster you fear. The children will react dependant on how you approach it. Rather than making a big deal about an "introduction", I found it easier for DP to meet the children in passing. He was leaving as their dad dropped them home. A quick "This is DP who I told you about". Then we just built up the amount of time from there. Now they are comfortable when he stays over.

The mistake you have made OP is posting on Mumsnet where it is forbidden for single mothers date and you must be alone and be happy being alone until your eldest is 25.

Meanwhile in reality...of course you can consider introducing your boyfriend to your children. Most people who don't live In Mumsnet land think 6 months is reasonable.

I'm widowed so introducing my boyfriend was super sensitive. I discussed it with kids first and asked how they would like it to happen, what kind of activities they would like to do with boyfriend all together etc. They met after we'd been together about 6 months and we went to a board games cafe. After that we did an activity together most weekends until they were ready for him to stay over.

We all live together now and we're all better off for it. We're both focused on the kids. He knows they come first. He has a positive effect on their mental health.

Hi OP,

I've lived with my partner and her two kids (and eventually our own one) for six years now. Her situation wasn't drastically different - young kids (2 & 6 at the time, I'm guessing younger than yours, I'm not in the UK so ks2 doesn't mean much to me!) They see their dad every other weekend, and it had recently started to be reliable and regular at the time, having been sporadic before that. He was more useless than abusive but has made progress.

I was mum's friend at first and generally played with them and tried to make my presence a fun or at least positive experience. Once we were comfortable that they enjoyed me being there we kind of moved at the speed that seemed to work for them. I also had no children of my own (and was divorced) so there was no pressure on my side to do things a certain way or at a certain speed.

We're a close family now, and I can say without doubt or hesitation that I deeply love my stepdaughters. It's been a privilege to be a part of their lives.

Here's the thing that I think is important - think about what you want from the relationship if he eventually moves in. Think about what you expect from him if he becomes a step-parent. Do you want him to defer everything to you or to take some initiative? How would he see his role?

Think about it all, and if he seriously sees his future with you and your family, talk to him about it. Make sure there's no massive gap in your philosophies on parenting. Make sure he's not seeing a more detached (or the opposite) relationship with the kids than you're picturing.

And maybe having this conversation will make him run a mile, which would be the correct outcome if so.

Our dating phase felt like interviews at times, but I did (and still do) love her enough to appreciate why. In fact the way she was happy to risk scaring me off to make sure I was the right fit made me feel even more strongly for her.

@newlevelsoftiredness brilliant answer thank you

@NewLevelsOfTiredness was your partner sure from the start that she wanted to introduce you to her kids? Or was she hesitant?

You need to go on your instincts. There's no set right or wrong. If the kids are primary aged you can introduce the concept gradually eg explain you have met someone who makes you happy and one day it would be nice for them to meet him, if they are enthusiastic arrange a trip to the park and meet him there, see how things develop. No overnights of course and stick to things which they aren't pressured to interact so not meals sitting around a table at first.

Everyone is different as I say. I introduced my DD's (much older) straight away, was no big deal to them, and when I decided to relocate (their dad took over the family home again so they had a home until they finished university) one decided to move in with me and dp - oh well she must like him at least

I think you just need to give it time, you need to be in the best most positive place possible. I've been with my partner over 2 years, he met my children in brief neutral settings (park, 5 min meeting if I was on a walk and he was working nearby, so just a quick "hi how are you" type thing) after 18 months of being together, we've now been together nearly 2.5 years and he's not met them properly and probably won't for a little while longer. I needed that time to adjust, he did too but mainly me, my children are young and impressionable and I wanted to be in a secure certain relationship first, I am now but there's no rush.

I can't wait for him to be a part of our lives properly and have someone there as a support, but I needed that time to adjust to the huge change of someone else being in my children's lives. He will stick around if he's worth it and has true respect for the situation you're in. You just need a lot of time to adjust

[quote Annabellerina]@NewLevelsOfTiredness was your partner sure from the start that she wanted to introduce you to her kids? Or was she hesitant?[/quote]
Well not really. She told her now ex that she was kicking him out towards the end of her maternity leave. I had, in the meantime, started in the company she worked for. A short while after they were split we met at a works party and hooked up and it was strictly a bit of fun for her (and me obviously.) She was nowhere near a place to even be dating. It didn't really fit with her plans at all when we stared showing something deeper and a strong compatibility.

So she actually finished with me for a few months to sort her head out, and in that period realized that she saw a proper future, and she suggested we dated properly.

I should say that one of her hard rules if we'd go forward with the relationship was that there would be no more children. I should only enter this if I was at peace with step-parenting being enough. And it was (I think maybe this is easier for guys? It's not like I was ever going to experience growing and nurturing life inside me either way.) It was only after a careful review of the situation after a couple of years that we went for it.

Funny enough - in the days after finding out she was pregnant, two things happened:

• the younger girl was sitting with us and asked for a little sibling. We weren't ready to tell them so said we'd talk about it. She ran out the room and shut the door and shouted through that she'd open it once we'd talked about it.

• the older girl found a little stick on a walk that could be imagined as a magic wand. She ran up to her mum, shouted "Abracadabra - little brother or sister" and jabbed her in the tummy with it.

That 'magic wand' is now framed and hangs on our dining room wall.