3 year old son hates his father

[GreenBrachiosaurus]

This situation is becoming unbearable. We all live together and myself and DH have a generally good relationship. DS is 3 and we also have a baby aged 10 months, who DS appears to have accepted and loves. Just some background I feel is relevant.

DS has always had a preference for me, which I thought was normal as I was the one on mat leave and later worked part time so spent more time with him. But gradually DS seems to be disliking DH more and more.

DS refuses to say good morning or good night to DH. Won’t say hello when DH gets home from work. He’ll just reply that he wants mummy, or just ignore him. When DH tries to play, for example with a ball, DS won’t even throw the ball to him and will throw it over his shoulder purposefully to anywhere else. I’m nervous to pop to the shop as when I’ve done this in the past ibe come back to DS screaming I want mummy, and DH frazzled and stressed. DS won’t let him help with any care.

We’ve tried them spending time alone together but as things are getting worse DH is concerned he might be accused of stealing DS while he screams I want mummy in public.

DH is a hands on father and spends his spare time with us at home. He tries hard to play and to make him laugh and is a lovely daddy who doesn’t deserve this. He works full time so does have limited time especially during the week.

I’m anxious when DH gets home now as I don’t know what DS is going to say to him, and when he inevitably says ‘I don’t like you daddy’ this understandably upsets DH so we’re all in a mood, nobody laughing or smiling. DH says he can’t live like this and wants to start working away as he feels hated in his own home. When he’s upset about this he goes off upstairs or out for a drive, leaving me with all the childcare which is stressful for me too, although I understand it’s not about me, it’s just affecting us all now.

Sorry if my thoughts are all jumbled I’ve tried to get all the information down. Just looking for any advice as to how to make things better. I’ve phoned the health visitor and expecting a call back on Monday. Thanks.

I am going through this with my 2.5 year old daughter, they can't seem to do anything together without it ending in tears 😕 it's really stressful as I don't get a break and if I do they seem to have a shouting/crying match with each other. Seriously it's like having 2 kids! So following for advice....

Your little boy is 3 years old. He is feeling what he is feeling, and right now he feels safe with his Mum. This is so, so not unusual at this age. It will pass.

DH says he can’t live like this and wants to start working away as he feels hated in his own home. When he’s upset about this he goes off upstairs or out for a drive, leaving me with all the childcare which is stressful for me too, although I understand it’s not about me, it’s just affecting us all now.

Your DH is a full grown man. He needs to act like a full-grown man. He needs to act his age and stop having this tantrum about what a tiny little upset boy is feeling. WTF does he think he is playing at, stropping off like that?

Do NOT be 'understanding' about this. Your DH needs telling that if he cannot be an adult to a small boy when things get a bit difficult then he can fuck off. Being a 'good' Dad is not just about being there for all the fun stuff and having a good time. Do NOT enable him in this because all the hard parenting will become your job and you will utterly resent and hate him for it. It needs nipping in the bud NOW for the sake of your whole family life..

I really feel for you're husband. I can remember when my young child mid tantrum said "I don't like you mummy" and i felt devastated. DD also went though a stage saying it to DH and also some similar Behaviour to your son but not as extreme.

What do you say to DS when he behaves like this? We would say - that's not nice etc or daddy is sad now. If it was when they were playing then I'd refuse to take over the game if DD was throwing a strop because she wanted me.

I wonder if you are being forceful enough?

We’ve recently been through similar. Ds just kept saying he didn’t want daddy or would try to provoke a reaction from daddy. Daddy had to go and take a few deep breaths and have 5 minutes out quite a few times.
Of course the moment daddy wasn’t there he would be asking for him.
It seemed to just be a phase.
Ds then went through a few weeks where he tried to wind me up and demanded grandma the whole time. He stayed with grandma for a couple of nights a week and I got a little peace.

@Haffiana

Your little boy is 3 years old. He is feeling what he is feeling, and right now he feels safe with his Mum. This is so, so not unusual at this age. It will pass.

DH says he can’t live like this and wants to start working away as he feels hated in his own home. When he’s upset about this he goes off upstairs or out for a drive, leaving me with all the childcare which is stressful for me too, although I understand it’s not about me, it’s just affecting us all now.

Your DH is a full grown man. He needs to act like a full-grown man. He needs to act his age and stop having this tantrum about what a tiny little upset boy is feeling. WTF does he think he is playing at, stropping off like that?

Do NOT be 'understanding' about this. Your DH needs telling that if he cannot be an adult to a small boy when things get a bit difficult then he can fuck off. Being a 'good' Dad is not just about being there for all the fun stuff and having a good time. Do NOT enable him in this because all the hard parenting will become your job and you will utterly resent and hate him for it. It needs nipping in the bud NOW for the sake of your whole family life..

What a horrible post. If this was happening to the mum (which I've seen on here many times) you wouldn't have posted that.

How long has it been like that? It will pass, it will very likely just be a short phase. I remember when my DS was 3 he had a hugely intense daddy phase. Wanted to do everything with him, copy what he wore, eat what he ate, only hold his hand, only want him to help him dress etc etc. it was perplexing (and I admit I did have the odd secret cry about it) but it didn’t last for more than a few weeks.

@Haffiana

Your little boy is 3 years old. He is feeling what he is feeling, and right now he feels safe with his Mum. This is so, so not unusual at this age. It will pass.

DH says he can’t live like this and wants to start working away as he feels hated in his own home. When he’s upset about this he goes off upstairs or out for a drive, leaving me with all the childcare which is stressful for me too, although I understand it’s not about me, it’s just affecting us all now.

Your DH is a full grown man. He needs to act like a full-grown man. He needs to act his age and stop having this tantrum about what a tiny little upset boy is feeling. WTF does he think he is playing at, stropping off like that?

Do NOT be 'understanding' about this. Your DH needs telling that if he cannot be an adult to a small boy when things get a bit difficult then he can fuck off. Being a 'good' Dad is not just about being there for all the fun stuff and having a good time. Do NOT enable him in this because all the hard parenting will become your job and you will utterly resent and hate him for it. It needs nipping in the bud NOW for the sake of your whole family life..

What a stupid and helpful post!!

We’re going through it at the moment with my nearly 3 year old. He doesn’t want his dad at all. Everything’s really hard when I’m not around and it’s heart breaking for my husband but we know it’s just a phase - the older one went through it as well. Doesn’t stop it hurting though.

Sounds pretty grim for for your husband.

This is going to sound a bit wierd but has your DH actually displayed sadness in front of your DS? In other words has he cried? Or even pretended to cry?

Someone once told me that you have to show kids that they have hurt your feelings. And at that age it comes down to facial expressions. They don't understand verbal concepts but they do understand someone crying.

Otherwise kids just see you seemingly getting pissed off and stomping out of the room and don't actually realise they have caused sadness.

My 3 year old dd is similar, will push her dad away, tells him she doesn’t want him to do things etc. He is hurt by it too, however he went through the same with our older dd and she came out the other side of it and now will chose him for activities and they have a lot of fun together. So Im not belittling it at all because it’s a horrible time for all, but we’re hoping it will be just a phase for the younger one too and we just need to ride it out, keep trying and emphasising daddy loves you too, daddy wants to help, daddy wants to take you for a treat etc.

He is being a bit of an ass to say he wants to work away due to this the child is three not 30 there is time for it to change

We went through similar. Every time DS was rude or unkind to DH we pulled him up on it; he was allowed to want me but not to be unkind or say unkind things. If he threw the ball away from DH when we were all playing, the game stopped.

It was a phase and it passed, but it was horrible while it lasted and DH found it very hard .

No advice as no experience but from an outside point of view how does toddler see you and DP together? Do you show affection to DP in front of toddler, could toddler be jealous or see you not give enough affection to DP so treats him like he does? It's probably just a real horrible phase xxx

What’s your DHs relationship like with his own father?

Does your DH bombard him as soon as he is home?
Some DCs prefer to approach, rather than be approached. Is yours one of them?
Or is DH not showing any interest at all in him?
Is there anything that they can enjoy together?
This is so hard for you, stuck in the middle.

I actually went through the same thing with my DC and read up on it a bit and spoke to a psychologist about it. It is developmental - kids at certain stage cannot handle two relationships as it is too complex for them. What I did was to say every time: "it is ok, you don't have to love me and you don't have to like me but you cannot be mean to me. I am here if you need me, I love you and I will always play with you and help you when you want me to". On an emotional level it is a bit more complex, it is in a sense pushing away your DH to see if he will stay. The best thing in my experience is just to accept the feelings but demand good behavior anyway. I agree with the pp that your DH working away is not a good solution. Your DH needs to work on his relationship with the DS too - I'd suggest the MN mantra 'this too shall pass'. Good luck! It is tough and heart breaking but worth persevering with building a bond between your DH and DS.

Not any advice, Sorry. When eldest GS was about 3 his dad had come to collect him from my house.
X sil sat down for 10 minutes while we chatted. When it was time to go he said to LO "come on then"
LO replied. "NO I DON'T LIKE YOU DADDY"
I was about to tell little one that this was not nice, when his dad said " I'm sorry about that son, because I love you very much."
I was surprised.

Dad didn't strop, sulk or make an issue of it although it must be a very upsetting thing to hear.
But he would always tell my GS that he loved him .
Three year olds go through this I'm afraid, sometimes it doesn't come into play until they are at nursery and saying they hate you.
They don't. They are pushing your buttons to see what make you cross, sad, It's hard and it bloody hurts but talk to each other, together you can do this. 🥂🍾

My daughter was exactly the same from about 2 years old for a while. She would tell him to go away as soon as he got home and all sorts of other things. Husband was hurt and thought he was doing something wrong. The only thing that helped was that I would talk about him a lot during the day, saying we should show him stuff she'd made, how much he loved her, that he would really love to go to the park at the weekend. Anything really to keep him in mind and keep it positive. We also started doing some kind of game whenever he came in, so he'd pretend to be a ghost or she'd pretend to hide. This all helped until eventually he started getting a hug when he came in.
I read it has something to do with control, he's been away all day and then just suddenly appears in your/your son's space and is expected to just slot in when the dynamic has totally changed for your son, who may not have even been expecting him home. Good luck!!