Hi everyone
I'm in a really difficult situation and I just can't make head nor tail of it.
I've been living with someone - a friend - since lockdown. We've always been close...often, err, very close. It's never really been defined - except we're best friends - and we've both had periods dating others. We get on like a house on fire and on paper everything makes sense. Same interests, same values and, to be honest, we do love each other. We also do fancy each other - although we know from years of being friends, we're not really each other's type 'on paper'- which is weird. Reality is though, if we got married, it probably would work very well.
We've sort of had a conversation about finding a place of our own together and formalising things - but we know each other so well, it feels quite 'final'. This has led to discussions about kids. She's mad for them and wants the big family etc - I just don't know. I don't really see it, but I do like the idea of a family. This is a deal breaker for her and understandably, she can't wait around for a dithering idiot to make up their mind. I might know in 1 month - but I also might not in a year.
We're now in this quandary of what to do. Part of me wonders if kids is a red herring - and we're almost looking for an excuse. We've had periods 'together' but never committed to anything - there always felt a reason/excuse not to. Why? I'm also ashamed to say my eyes have been wandering to people more my traditional type. The thought of her thinking she's not good enough or attractive enough really distresses me. I don't want to admit it at all, but part of me thinks I'm so attune to a particular type of body, I can't shake that attraction. She is utterly incredible (waaaay out of my league) - and genuinely and objectively beautiful, with an incredible body - but part of me feels like I may want to start dating others.
I honestly don't know....
Sorry for the ramble and 'woe is me' tone - but I am so confused.
Thanks!