My husband is very depressed, advice needed

[Wjdoenah]

Hi everyone, I'm looking to speak to people in a similar situation who can advise me?

My husband and I have been together for 18 years. We have 2 children under ten. For various reasons he has slowly become more and more depressed and withdrew from the family, and also from his extended family, and friends. He does still work.

This has come to a head and I don't know what to do. People comment on how detached he is and the children, particularly the eldest feels it, but doesn't understand. This has caused a growing resentment in me. So the relationship isn't in a good place.

We are thinking of separating but I'm very concerned about a few things. I still love him and care about him, and still will even if we seperate. I want him to be happy. But I don't know how to help him and he won't go and see a doctor.

My fears are that if /when we separate and he is alone, he is just going to get even worse?? That makes me very worried. I don't think I will be able to stop thinking about him.
Secondly, we would share custody of the children 50/50. I feel worried about their safety when with him as I am not there to assess his mood etc? Or that he is looking after himself or the house etc. Can anyone relate to this and advise me on how to detach myself when there are children involved. Thank you

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped and he is using his unpredictable moods to hold you all to some sort of emotional ransom here. He sounds abusive actually behaving like this towards you all. You may still love him but are you really confusing that with codependency ( with reference to your comment, "My fears are that if /when we separate and he is alone, he is just going to get even worse?? That makes me very worried. I don't think I will be able to stop thinking about him"). It is not your job to assess his mood and you're only responsible for your own actions. His needs are not more important than yours and you do not have to make this man the hill you die on.

Have you actually sought any form of legal advice, I would suggest you do this asap. Given how detached he is from his children as well do you also really think he would want them for half the time?. Likely not but he may well demand this of you as a further stick to beat you with. Abusive men often make such demands.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your eldest in particular likely knows far more than either of you care to realise. Is this really the model of a relationship they should be seeing?. No it is not and its not good enough for you either.

I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid too. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.