Is this normal in counselling?

[AnnickP]

Hi. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and, for the last 18 months, I thought our relationship was better than it ever had been before. He was talking with me about our future every day, telling me he appreciated and loved me and we were planning a wonderful next stage. Just over 2 weeks ago, he told me he isn't in love with me, is in love with someone else (though he doesn't see this as a betrayal as they haven't acted on it physically) and doesn't want to be married anymore.
My question is about what happened tonight... we went for a first session of marriage counselling (the counsellor did have background from each of us beforehand). During the session, my husband said that he was not looking for this to help the marriage and was resolute in wanting a divorce and would not change that. He saw marriage counselling as a way to make me accept his decision and for me to communicate with him more nicely as we move to the next stage. -I am still reeling from the bombshells that he had an emotional affair and wants a divorce and haven't even worked through my feelings given the short amount of time. He also talked about how deeply in love he is with this other woman. I lost it... I was quite angry and definitely not my best self. The counsellor responded to my reaction by saying that how I am in a relationship, based on my anger in the session, was probably part of why my husband reached out to connect with this other woman.
I feel deeply misunderstood. I have loved and supported my husband through many tough times, most often putting his feelings and needs first (he has rapid cycling bipolar disorder). I have been the calm, stable and consistent one.
But now I am incredibly cross. My husband betrayed me and told me we will divorce and that I have no say in anything. I had hoped to have a safe place where I could express how I feel in counselling. Where it would be ok for someone to sit with that anger and sadness.
I know that calm cool communication is best but I just couldn't do that tonight. I feel so devastated and felt completely judged. As a result of that session, my husband feels fine to have lied to me about how he really felt about our marriage and our future and now feels justified in having an emotional affair.
Help?

Shocking behaviour from counsellor.

Re husband and He saw marriage counselling as a way to make me accept his decision
Yes my exH did this too (and also excused the relationship with OW 'did not get physical until after he decided he was defintely leaving....).

Counsellor clearly disliked me - even exH agreed she wasn't being very nice to me (exH was good looking and charming, I was angry & hurt and not looking my best). She was quite confrontational with me and I felt she'd bought in to exH's narrative that the marriage was over and I just needed to accept that. I refused to go back after 3rd session and just wish I'd complained about her at the time.

I had a counsellor session and got the same vibe - not as explicit as yours though.
Your dh is so far ahead of you in his thinking and it's obvious neither he or counsellor have factored it in.
You could try with a different counsellor - our 2nd was excellent, fair, level headed, tough, compassionate. She has really helped us break up and figure out our new relationship as Co parents.
I wouldn't waste precious energy complaining etc. I would say to your dh that you agree counselling a good idea but can you find a new one.
Happy marriages don't break up though. There will be things you both need to take responsibility for and learn from. It's as much a work out mentally as doing a session with a PT is physically.

he has rapid cycling bipolar disorder

As devastating as his behaviour has been it probably isn’t very shocking. It sounds like you’ve spent a long time accommodating him in the hope/ expectation that it would count for something but it hasn’t. Prioritising someone who sees themselves as the most important person in the room never ends well.

I don’t see the point in counselling in this instance, you clearly aren’t on the same page and he’s using it to hurry you in to accepting his selfishness. Your marriage is over, it isn’t up for debate because he doesn’t want to debate it. A counsellor just for you is better use of your time and money.

You can’t stop him ending your marriage but you don’t have to let him dictate how you should react. Don’t waste anymore of your energy in hoping he won’t be a selfish arse.

I have talking therapy as an individual and can say I have never once felt judged or blamed for anything. If I did, I would walk away. If your counsellor is too much of a fuckwit to realise that your anger may be a result, rather than a cause, and keep an open mind then I don't think they'll be much help. You sound like you have done your best for years to keep this marriage on an even keel and are well within your rights to be angry at these revelations (of course that doesn't mean abusive/ violent etc. Not suggesting you have been). I think seek the individual support you need to accept the marriage is over and move on, and to be quite honest I hope you will see in time that you might be better off without your cheating and insensitive husband. I feel angry just reading your OP so can understand why you would be

He wants to control your behaviour and response to his infidelity and is tacitly using the counsellor as his wing person.

It’s going to get dirty if he doesn’t get what he wants. Lawyer up now and be prepared.

I’m so very sorry this is happening.

Agree the counsellor is wrong. You are suffering a massive loss and going through a grief cycle (well just starting to) - anger is a well recognised stage of that cycle and any decent counsellor would be well aware of that.

You need to feel safe with a counsellor - you can't feel ike that if the man who is hurting you is there! I can't believe a good counsellor would even allow it to take place.

The only situations where you would both be together is if you were trying to work on your differences or sorting out the split.

You might not be able to control him divorcing you, but you a absolutely do have control over other things.

Seek the advice of a solicitor and get yourself another councillor for you, not joint.

Sounds totally unprofessional! Ditch all concerned.

So sorry you're in this situation.

Relationship counselling means that the client is the relationship, ie no taking sides or blaming, simply looking at the dynamics going on between two people. For a first session, the remarks about your anger seem pretty bold to say the least! I am wondering if the counsellor was aware beforehand that you were absolutely not on board with your husband’s version of events and stated objective? Even so, your anger is completely legitimate and even if it were extreme and unwarranted anger, it does not ‘explain’ your husband wanting to leave. Did you choose this counsellor or did your husband?

There is no point pursuing relationship counselling if what you and your husband want from it are entirely different things. Find your own therapist to work through your feelings. It will be damaging if you feel de-legitimised by the couples counsellor.

As to your husband, his treatment of you is grim. Infatuation is a form of madness at times. He may cycle through this and then decide he wants to return to you: will you want to accept that?

I'm so sorry to hear this.

When my marriage was in crisis, my ex wouldn't agree to relationship counselling until he wanted to end the marriage. For context, he said he was bi, then six months later that he was probably just gay, then in counselling that I was the problem. In the bi phase, he said we didn't need counselling. After saying he was 'one wife short of gay, or probably just gay' he agreed to counselling to save our relationship. When we got in with the counsellor, it quickly became clear that there was no hope. I think he didn't have the guts to tell me he wanted a divorce by himself, and thought that the counsellor would help him do it. He then proceeded to tell me all the reasons why he couldn't be married to me, which were all to do with me as a person and apparently his sexuality had 'nothing to do with it'.

We continued to have counselling together for a year 'to help us communicate through the change'. Whatever you do, don't make the mistake I did of sticking with it. It was 50 minutes of pain, stress and anxiety every week.

I also had individual counselling and that was what I really needed.

In fairness, the sessions together showed me what kind of a person he really was and did sort of help me to see that I shouldn't want to be married to him anymore anyway. Unfortunately, it sounds like your H, like mine, sees it as an opportunity to tell you what he thinks is wrong with you. Please don't let him do that.

You can self-refer for NHS counselling and there may be low-cost services in your area, but there will be a waiting list. Find someone who is on the BACP register for yourself. That is where you will find your safe space to sit with and process what is happening. Try a few different counsellors if you need to, until you find one who works for you.

Good luck. It's absolutely horrendous when you're in that state of early shock but I promise you won't feel like this forever.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Shit counsellor. Really shit.

Shit husband. Really shit.

Sack them both. At once.

So sorry. You must be so shocked.

The counsellor is a disgrace.

Report if you can.

Individual counselling will be better.

I feel so sorry for you having wasted 20 years supporting that twat.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel much better to understand that wasn't normal or acceptable. I've booked myself in for counselling to get me through this shock. I'm very grateful for this lovely community ❤️

I'm devastated and so frustrated for you. How cruel and unfair of them both. They are both bastards.

I just wanted to chip in on the mental health bit and say that he sounds like he is very much in a cycle and I honestly don't think that this will last. Not that this should change the decision to part. He has to understand that he is ill and with counselling like that I doubt he has any awareness whatsoever. Rejection is protection snd I would see it as such despite the shock. Look after yourself right now. I would pull back from him and really focus on your needs right now. If you've been caring for someone with mh issues you may well be struggling with codependency which is hard to break free from. You don't need this man in your life. You are enough. Repeat every time you look in the mirror.

Never mind the shit counsellor - your H told you you have no say in anything?
I think you need to disabuse him of that ASAP. Time for legal advice as well as your own counselling OP.
No wonder you're reeling.

Just to say OP that in the UK anyone can call themselves a counsellor as it's not a protected title. Make sure any therapy you have is from a counsellor who is BACP accredited (you can look them up on the BACP website) they will have done the accredited training. Will still be some crap ones though, so make sure to try a few until you click with one. Most offer a free introductory call. Take care

I agree that you have basically been dragged along to a therapy session to be 'made to' understand and comply with your husband's decision. I just read what the Counsellor said differently to your responses here. You are (justifiably) angry at your husband. He is leaving you. You are having a legitimate emotional response. She was mirroring you, not blaming you. Perhaps I have misunderstood but it seems to be that she was listening to you and reflecting how you are feeling. Overall though in situations like this it is fairly impossible to judge the situation for any of us that weren't there. You were in a closed, safe environment where unfortunately you didn't feel like you could directly respond to the therapist with your feelings of being blamed. That's ok, that's a pretty tricky thing to do I find but we can develop that skill and hopefully through your own therapy you will be able to. I wish you the best through your separation, divorce and new life. If you want to complain, then absolutely do it, but I would also use this opportunity to look at your own reaction and perhaps why you have been so stoic up until now and finally when you unleash your feelings you feel attacked.

Report the counsellor. An absolute embarrassment to the profession.

I'm sorry about your marriage. Of course you are angry.

I don't think she was saying you shouldn't be angry, she was stating that you were angry and that you have been angry. Surely that is ok? Because that is how you have felt.

He's wrong, his behaviour is unacceptable and he will regret this.

The counsellor is shit and I hope you've binned them already!

STBX is hoping you'll continue to blow your top and get emotional etc. It gives him validation that he's in the right here - I'd call his bluff OP, act cool and calm, stop fighting for the marriage, just calmly detach and only talk to him about the practicalities.

Tell him it's very sad he's leaving you, as your love was unconditional and the real deal, you believe you're the best thing that ever happened to him but..hey ho he's made up his mind, you hope he finds happiness as you now intend to move on and do the same with the support of your own counsellor. (Basically fuck with his mind by acting in a really calm and detached way that he least expects)

Come on here to vent!

You will never save a marriage with someone who's already decided to leave (with OW in his ear) you need to look after YOU now!

Read 'The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat' it'll make you feel so much better.

To infer that Annick had lost the love of her husband and he had looked elsewhere for comfort because of her anger was wrong of the therapist.

This woman was still in trauma and shock, far behind her husband's itinerary and the councellor should have picked up on this.
To victim blame in a session is hugely damaging and she may well need further councelling to undo the damage caused by this useless woman who seemed much more interested in appeasing the bloke who set up the councelling and was paying the bill to assuage his guilt.

Of course the woman's angry, she's been discarded in a most cruel way, why would anyone try to convince her that her anger is not justified, being gaslighted by a 'councillor' is trauma in itself.

Sorry you had the misfortune to come across an individual who has absolutlety no self awareness and zero understanding skills.
The woman needs another profession.

And no Annick was not in a safe envoiroment, she was in a closed space with her enemy and his flying monkey.

That's the thing Op when going through break up trauma you are so vunerable and fragile, you automatically do not trust anyone and you don't even trust your own judgement. But I am saying to you, trust your own judgement, others arround you do not know the full story, you do, do not let others tell you how to feel.
Stand up for yourself, you have done nothing wrong, don't be bullied by people who do not have your best interests at heart.

Take care.

The counsellor sounds sexist to me. It's ok and normal to experience anger after what you've been through. What, are wives supposed to just be placid pieces of meat? Sorry you've had the double whammy of hurt here OP