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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can anyone relate or offer me advice other than leave!!!

25 replies

Grace8785564 · 10/06/2021 20:37

My partner I find can be very angry with me when I go anywhere with me friends, he always persumes I am going to the pub. Last night I went to the cinema with my friends and we had a drink or two before the cinema and he said I stunk of booze when I came in and that I’m lying about even watching a movie. I find I’m always having to explain myself to him. He’s fine with me having a drink in the house with the friends but hates when I go out in public. Please help

OP posts:
fantasmasgoria1 · 10/06/2021 20:41

It's controlling behaviour. My first husband was very controlling to the point I was scared to speak to people because he assured me he knew so many people who were spying for him. It doesn't get any better I'm sorry to say.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/06/2021 20:41

The only advice appropriate for someone in abusive and / or controlling relationship is to leave or to plan to leave.

This isn't normal and isn't what love looks like.

Do you have kids?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2021 20:41

You don't need help, you need to leave and as quickly as possible. He's a controlling, jealous prick and it's only going to get worse. Do not tolerate this bullshit.

MissMaple82 · 10/06/2021 20:42

Theres no other advice to give other than leave. It won't get better!

TheWaif · 10/06/2021 20:43

What kind of advice do you think there could be other than leave? Some kind of magical way of making him change? Be realistic...

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2021 20:43

My advice would be to think very, very hard about why you want to be with someone who treats you like that.

Sensateria · 10/06/2021 20:44

Yes I can offer some advice other than leave.

Put up and shut up and carry on having to explain yourself to him every time you go out.

Or stop going out with your friends.

category12 · 10/06/2021 20:44

Do you have a massive drink problem that makes you a danger to yourself and others?

Otherwise, all I've got is leave, I'm afraid, because he's controlling and trying to isolate you from your social network.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 20:45

Sorry but this is how it starts. It will only get worse from here.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2021 20:46

This isn’t the first time you’ve posted about him treating you badly is it?

TheDevils · 10/06/2021 20:46

I'm sorry but leave really is the only sensible advice.

frazzledasarock · 10/06/2021 20:47

What are you looking for?

A magic spell to make him stop being scary and controlling?

chipsandgin · 10/06/2021 20:48

Accept you are in a relationship with a controlling & paranoid man then cut contact with all your friends, stop going out & spend the rest of your life locked away with him watching and monitoring your every move?

Or leave, because it isn’t ever going to get any better and you are worth more than that (& his behaviour isn’t normal or ok)...

Gmmllw · 10/06/2021 20:48

My advice is to please watch this

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 10/06/2021 20:48

Yes I can relate as my ex was very controlling and didn't like me going out without him. I left him. There's no realistic way you can stay with someone like that.

LadyLolaRuben · 10/06/2021 20:49

Its a slippery slope. You'll start keeping receipts to prove to him your not lying. Get out OP

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/06/2021 20:49

Ah it's you. I posted this on your other thread and stand by it... your poor daughter.

Put your child first by leaving this man and not taking him back.

It's unthinkable to stay with him and show your daughter that this is how women deserve to be treated.

You have a choice, she doesn't.

Stop trying to figure out why he is this way or how to fix him and start trying to figure out how to leave him and then once you're out invest in some therapy to stop you going back to him or having another abusive relationship.

For your daughter.

5128gap · 10/06/2021 21:34

I haven't seen your other posts, so not sure if he's like this because he's insecure or because he wants to control you for the power trip. Either way, if you don't want to leave him, you will need to develop a resilience to his behaviour. Stand firm and do the things you want to do. Ignore his sulks and don't respond to his comments. Whatever you do, don't teach him that this behaviour gets him the results he wants. Eventually he may give up. Or he won't, and you may reach your limit and leave him.

MingeofDeath · 10/06/2021 21:38

If someone else told you what to do in your free time, what would you say to them? Exactly.

Underthebrush · 10/06/2021 21:43

Its called being in a controlling relationship which is abusive and will only escalate.

Stay and continue being emotionally abused?
Leave and don't be?

Grace8785564 · 10/06/2021 22:06

Hi guys
I’m overwhelmed with all the comments on this post. It means so much to that you are all giving me this advice.
I have watched a video that someone left here and I am dealing with a narcissist he has all the traits.
I have just showed him the video and he has said he has most of the traits and that “I will change please give me another chance”
He won’t change, he never will I’ve had to deal with this for the past 10 years.
I thought him going to rehab for his addiction would stop this behaviour but it’s a personality trait.
I rely on him financially. I have no money of my own, he owns the car, he makes the money.
I feel like I’ve put up a front for everyone and had to try and prove that we are happy and I just feel like a clown but I need out.
The last time we broke up he was a nightmare to deal with.
I think I’m going to plan to leave. Get myself a good job and leave.
Any advice on how to make yourself strong to leave?
It’s the scariest thing ever but I need to do this for my daughter.
And no I am not a big drinker, have one or two every now and again but that’s it, I get headaches the next day so it’s not worth it.

OP posts:
Peach01 · 11/06/2021 00:07

Can you start saving any money just now?

In what way was he a nighmare before when you broke up?

I don't have much advice to make yourself strong, but once you're out the other side of this you will be. You can't live like this. It's going to break to down to the point you'll never be able to get out. The fact that you're making a plan to get out shows you have strength. You recognise this isn't going to change and you're doing something about it. That's strength.

Gmmllw · 11/06/2021 10:30

To start, let go of self-blame and regret. These are natural feelings once you come to understand the true nature of a narcissit.

Chances are when you got involved with your partner you had no idea what you were getting into. Narcissists are skilled at drawing people in and hiding their true nature, for a while.

Sometimes just reading about narcissim can feel like a blanket of darkness has been lifted and you can start to see him for what he really is.

Before you can walk out the door you need to be sure you can safely remove yourself. Narcissists can become angry or impatient when things do not go their way.

Organisation such as women's aid are great and can offer emotional support and guidance (including financial but also speak to universal credit agencies) to prepare you.

(The below link has some email addresses if you feel more comfortable using those)

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help?gclsrc=aw.ds&gclid=Cj0KCQjw8IaGBhCHARIsAGIRRYrQkz5TvCR6d6gCTE8lHmx1PYYRlqqPqyKWSBZ0MovX9JqoE9hVAZ4aAmqREALw_wcB

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Do you have a support network around you that could help when you are ready to leave?

Familiarise your self with the tactics he will try to use to stop you from leaving. Be prepared for begging/ promises of change/ putting the blame on you for 'breaking up the family'. These tactics can confuse you, make you question your sense of reality, and damage your self-esteem.

link:Preparing to Leave A Narcissist

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, they reel you in and hooked you. Each time you try to escape the hook; you will be ‘love bombed’ back into the abusive cycle.

Going no contact is the goal, but with your daughter I understand may not be possible.
Be prepared for him to use his own child as a weapon against you. He will try to influence, undermine and alienate her from you. "Don't listen to your mother she's a mad bitch" etc.

Emotional abuse leaves scars you don't see
It doesn't leave a visible bruise. There is no physical scar.

But the pain and long-term effects of emotional abuse on children are real and it is most felt as the child grows older and is at risk of repeating the same abuse that was learned (common in boys as they become men) or becoming a victim of further abuse (common in girls who become women).

Ripping yourself away from a relationship is incredibly brave. Don't be hard on yourself if it takes time. You are doing the best thing to protect your daughter.

(Sorry the wall of text and links, I just want to be sure to cover the right things)

RandomMess · 11/06/2021 10:32

You can ways leave via a refuge.

Please be very careful he will sense you pulling away and may make it much more difficult or actually hurt you. Leaving can be very dangerous.

LadyLolaRuben · 13/06/2021 17:20

Im no expert and others will correct me if I'm wrong but, I wouldn't be showing an abuser material that explains their behaviour. Apparently you're arming them with all the information you have to protect yourself so they can use it against you. Keep your cards close to your chest. Stay strong and put your energy into getting out. Debating with him what his issues are is pointless, he'll never change

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