Was I abused or was it my fault?

[Wasitme83]

I’ve had some therapy post abuse and I always seem to struggle with this notion.

I did take into the marriage childhood wounds so it turns out. I had a very unloving mum which gave me anxiety and an eagerness to please, I also never felt good enough.

My ex husband all the way through court trials etc always said that I was scared because I was too sensitive and needy and he was not trying to scare me but it doesn’t change the fact I was scared and he knew it. He also used my fears against me, sometimes he understood my anxiety other times he used it against me. He would tell me he would save me and the next minute tell me I was pathetic.

That’s just one example of many and when I spoke back he became very intimidating to me, but was that just because I was a bit weak. But then I think if you love someone why would you want to hurt them with there inner wounds and hurt them really deep. Then claim that they just said it at the time in anger. In my 10 year marriage I never used his vulnerability against him even though I knew he had them, as we all do as I wouldn’t want to inflict pain. Yes I can argue about stuff like you don’t help me in the house etc but I’d never say that’s because you are pathetic and useless.

Anyway I wonder sometimes if I inflicted this on myself by not understanding my inner wounds at the time and perhaps I was too needy or intense and he couldn’t deal with that. Does that give you an excuse to scare your partner though until they collapse on the floor? But then why collapse on the floor why didn’t I just walk out.

I guess it’s like chicken or egg.

Did he purposely use my wounds against me? He certainly liked to make me feel unsafe then safe then unsafe....... but in the end I left him and he told me I would suffer and he was an idiot for not leaving me years ago as I ruined his life.

It looks like to me that he is unable to accept responsibility in how he makes you feel and would rather gaslight you by telling you you're too sensitive. What did he do to scare and intimidate you?

The feeling of safe and unsafe happens in the cycle of abuse. Using your fears and anxiety against you is also a form of abuse as he knows to be sensitive on what makes you anxious and scared.

Sometimes shout an inch in front of my face. Sometimes become completely vacant and just cold and would be doing something whilst telling me there was something wrong with me. Sometimes throw things. Sometimes threaten to tell people about what he thought was wrong with me. Mostly just tell me how pathetic I was and that without him I’d have nothing.

He blamed it on me but he wouldn’t leave me.

Definitely not your fault.
That is out and out abusive and you are not being too sensitive.

Sorry that's happened to you. Wishing you well with your recovery. Have a look into the Freedom programme where you will learn about recognising abusive behaviour.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been gaslighted for so long I don’t even know my own memories of events. Another person can not tell you whether you were right or wrong to be scared. If you were scared you were scared right, intentional or not!

He claimed it was never intentional and I wonder if he doesn’t actually know he did it intentionally so will never admit it.

He will not admit he is abusive because to him he is not I suppose, that’s just normal in his eyes. It’s been in court for years and he will not admit it even though found guilty.

You don’t need him to admit it, he never will. You want him to because it would validate how you felt, and he knows that on some level, so this is his last ounce of power over you - don’t let him have it. You do not need him to agree, you KNOW how you felt because you were there. You know shouting an inch from someone’s face is abusive, and so does he. Men like him target vulnerable women. That’s no disrespect to you, I had an abusive childhood too and was vulnerable to this kind of dickhead for a while as well. I think for me I had a realisation that I needed to understand how I should expect to be treated in a relationship, what I needed from someone and what I wouldn’t tolerate from someone. Just having those boundaries in place made the world of difference.

Write him off as an abusive prick who taught you a valuable lesson, that you deserve so much better.

So do men like this no what they are doing and that it’s wrong or to him it’s just completely normal behaviour. He will admit to shouting and getting OTT sometimes but insisted that it’s just normal relationship arguments and that I couldn’t handle his passion because apparently I was just dead inside, like a log. Which I’ve come to learn is the freeze response. When he stated I just froze in fear. Something I just did to stop being so afraid.

Now I can’t come to the conclusion if I did this too easily and actually they were just arguments and I hated arguments since I was a child so I was triggered. But then like you said shouting in your face is scary, his eyes were scary. I’m a gentle person and he knew this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have very similar thoughts about my last relationship. I'm afraid I haven't really settled my feelings about it but the freedom program did help and also knowing that I would never get the acknowledgement or understanding from him meant I was just opening myself up to more pain. I hope you can find some peace.

I don’t know, I would guess some do know what they’re doing, others less so, but they rarely behave the same way around others, so I think we can draw some conclusions from that.

My personal theory is we pick up on a lot subconsciously. Abusive men are attracted to vulnerable women because of subconscious signals they pick up on, and likewise, women with abuse in their background are attracted to abusive men because it’s familiar and on a weird subconscious level, it feels safe. That’s not meant to victim blame at all so I hope it doesn’t sound like that, but from my own personal experience, I think that’s what I did. As soon as a had a firm grip on what I wanted from a man, those were the men I attracted and was attracted to.
Once these abusive men have found a woman to target though, they often start testing your boundaries, and that’s where I think it becomes a little more conscious. That doesn’t necessarily mean they see anything wrong with their behaviour though.

Shouting in someone’s face, calling them pathetic & useless, threatening to tell others what he thought was “wrong” with you, throwing things, all of this is abusive behaviour, it’s completely irrelevant what your childhood was like - it is 100% abuse.

Abusive people latch onto people with difficulties, those who are sensitive or might struggle to stand up for themselves - it makes them feel more powerful and in control. They drill down into your insecurities and vulnerabilities and exploit them. You did not cause his behaviour, his behaviour is down to him and him only.

Please don’t blame yourself - everyone does, but you deserve so much better. Please keep telling yourself that.