Dilemma with evil step mother and my grown up kids

[heartstickers]

Thoughts needed please.

Ex husband of 23 years had affair with OW and immediately she was pregnant. Role on 5 years and lots of trauma for myself and our grown up kids.... ex wants our twenty something children to meet his new family.

Points to note:
Ex never wanted more kids and said he is now stuck.

OW is from a very poor part of the world and wanted a visa for the UK.

OW (in the early days) sent vile messages to my children, such as telling my daughter she was "fucking lazy" and to my son "you have no life ahead of you as you are autistic".... and to me "you have a big, fat, hairy Western pussy and your husband never loved you" (she kindly stole my phone number and rang me one Xmas eve to say "I'm pregnant with your husbands baby". During arguments between the OW and the Ex, the other woman felt he need to cover social media with vulgar, degrading and illegal comments about the ex. He forgave her but our children know all about this.

Ex got married to her, but never told our children until 2.5 years later.

Ex had another baby with her but hid it from everyone until after it was born.

So... my children (who dearly love their dad) are in a predicament and I'm struggling to advise as I would ideally like this woman eradicated from the planet, but of course, do not want to my children to loose connection with their father. The ex seems to think it will be "so much easier" for him if he could play happy families and then feel less guilty. In reality, my kids are 20 plus years older than his new kids and don't fancy a weekend playing with peppa pig or diving into a ball pit !

What should I advise?

I'd simply speak to your dc and be there to support them. They are adults and capable of making up their own minds. I'd simply tell them that you'll support whichever decision they choose to take. I might even tell them to do what THEY want, and not what you, the ow or their father wants.

The ow sounds awful, but unfortunately sounds like she's here to stay. But your dc can still have a relations with their df and siblings without having to see the ow. However if the ow puts blockers in the way, it's your ex's issue to solve, not you or your dc

Your kids and the new baby are the innocent parties in all this, so you put your bitterness aside and encourage them to have a loving relationship. Or just stay out of it given that they're adults.

I'd agree ... they are adults
They surely see all of this awfulness , let them visit when they want and leave when they want
Good luck to him , she sounds like a joy

All you can do is try to help them decide how they feel about meeting the children. They are related to them whether they like it or not: they don't have to have a relationship with them if they don't want to. But they might want to, away from the horrid SM?

I’d stay out of it.

Sounds like a spectacular shit show.

Tell your DC, you’ll support whatever they choose to do. But it’s none of your business.

Your DC will be forming their own relationships and have their own lives soon enough they’ll probably barely see their father either way. He sounds like too much drama.

It's taken 4 years for the ex to want to introduce them all and as there has never been an apology from the new wife, my older children (remember, one is autistic ) feel it would be really uncomfortable to meet up, but they also don't want to disappoint their father.

You need to let your children know you support their decision, whatever that may be, but other than that, stay out of it. Your kids are adults and need to choose for themselves.

They are adults and are surely capable of making their own decision on whether to meet their siblings or not. Let them know that it doesn't affect you either way, as maybe they feel you'll be upset if they do decide to meet them. Once they know that then it's solely up to them to decide.

I'm very supportive and have in fact emailed the ex to tell him so.

As adults, they can't forget the harsh words, nor the comments that were made against their father.

They are old enough to choose and within their rights to say no to meeting up. Their father wasn’t too concerned with disappointing them so i’d advise they really need not concern themselves with his disappointment or not, just on whether they want to meet or not for themselves.

I would make sure they know they aren't obliged to meet their siblings if they don't want to. But that you will understand if they would like to meet them. So do what is right for them and don't worry about offending you or dad. It is fine either way.

They might feel pressured to do what dad wants, or to not meet them out of loyalty to you. I would want them to make the decision based on wether or not they want to meet the children, not on the other adults involved.

@silverRoe - very good thought. Thank you

You could advise the kids that they can ask to meet their dad at a neutral location without the company of OW.

And/or, to be introduced to their half siblings without the company of OW.

They don't have to meet with her if they're not ready.

Step back and stay out. Your children are grown up and can make their own decisions, just tell them you don’t care either way and will be happy to go with what they want.

Trying to mediate on this may be causing more drama than necessary as they may be thinking they need to do what they think you want it do nothing want.

What they think you want or do not want, even.

Interesting they have asked your advice. Or is it permission? Why don't your adult children feel able to make this decision? I'd advise them that you're not best placed to give advice but that you love them and are there for them whatever they decide.

They are old enough to choose and make up their own minds. I’d guess they are testing your reaction. Going on his wife’s previous behaviour, I’m sure they’ll soon find it’s more grief than it’s worth.

I don't think them meeting their new sibling means they have pay in the ball pit if they don't want to, although they may well love it.

It will be more like a young aunt/uncle kind of relationship which they could all get a lot from.

It depends entirely on they want, surely?

I had friends in a similar situation, they basically told their dad they were happy to see him and his new children on neutral ground but not the ow as she was nothing to them and they had no desire to have a relationship with her.